A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving
each
other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next
day,
he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning
business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on
a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM " He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and
see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by
the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.





WIFE VS. HUSBAND


A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and

neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,

the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied , "in-laws





WOMEN'S REVENGE



"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished
to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a
television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me,

and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."





UNDERSTANDING WOMEN



(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.

I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,

pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,

and still be afraid of a spider.



W O R D S



A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a
day...

30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat
everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"



CREATION



A man said t o his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be

so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!



WHO DOES WHAT



A man and his wife were having an argument about who

should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first,

and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and

you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my
coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible

that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament

and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed
says.........."HEBREWS"



God may have created man before woman,

but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

The parish priest went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip
he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.
The guide, holding a net, yelled, "Look at the size of that Son of a
Bitch!"

"Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!"

"No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a Bitch fish!"

"Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!"

Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.

"Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen."

"Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?"

"Why, eat it of course. You've never tasted anything as good as Son
of a Bitch!"

Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory. While unloading his
gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip

"Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!"

Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!"

"It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a Bitch
fish!"

"Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a
Bitch?"

Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to
visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for
his dinner.

"I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch", she said.

As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.

"What are you doing Sister?"


"Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new
Bishop's dinner."

"Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your
language!"

"No, no, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch fish."

"Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it,
and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course! Let me know when
you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch."

On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The
Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the fish
was excellent. The new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did
you get it?"

"I caught that Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest.

"And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the Sister.

The Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special
recipe!"

The new Bishop looked around at each of them. A big smile crept
across his face as he said, "You ****ers are my kind of people!"

lmao,,well I hope yall like all the jokes I post,,and hope yall Like the
ones to come,,love to all here,,,,,,

On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my
Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to
me:

TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,

ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of
members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in
their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note),

TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal
ruling class system leaping,

NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,

EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products
from enslaved Bovine-Americans,

SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,

SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,

FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic
incarceration,

(NOTE after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw
red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge
have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further
Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been
revised.)

FOUR hours of recorded whale songs

THREE deconstructionist poets

TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses
and...

ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.

I see Now My Jokes Become A chat area
lol,,Well keep up on the laughing and Merry X-Mas To All

lol

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America,
Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred
to as "HILLBILLIES."

You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS

And furthermore..

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY
APPRECIATIVE."

3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE
INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

6. She is not an "AIRHEAD"- She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."

7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY
INCONVENIENCED."

8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."

9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."

11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORIALLY
SUPERIOR."

12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a " LOW COST PROVIDER."


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN
STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE
DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION. "


5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL
RELATIONSHIPS."

6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY
HORIZONTAL."

7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of
"RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."

9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."

10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."

11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR
CLEAVAGE".

well im glad yall having fun,,and keeping it real with the laughes,,Love
to all here,,and ill be back again soon..Thomas

lmao

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic
name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of
Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call
Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful
consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced
that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also
considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of
course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in
liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage
suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to
literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this
a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails",
"highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will
market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants
and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040,
there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge
erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

hmmmm

lol

well im glad yall here reading up on me,,lol,,Lov To All Thomas

Well im glad they help out at the times there needed,,Love To All
Here,,,Thomas

A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated.
Please read the following carefully.

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be
able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the
overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was
renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve
only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan.
As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk
and cookies.

However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your
local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His
side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of
delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however,
there are a few differences between us...

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba
Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and bumper sticker that reads:
"These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave
an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba
doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an
empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs
instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my
reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..." when
Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on
Martin and Labonte On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."

5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!"
And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a
Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off!" The
last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well.
One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and
the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee on the Tooth
Fairy.

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street"
and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing
area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and
the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of
state patrol cars crashing into each other.

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you,
the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put
presents under the tree.

9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like
"Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus is
Coming to Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played
on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be:
Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox," Cledus T. Judd's "All I
Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack," and Hank Williams Jr.'s
"If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, You Can Shove It."

Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus North American Fairies and Elves Local 209

Running aluminum foil through a paper shredder at Kinko's to make tinsel
is discouraged.

Playing Jingle Bells on a neighbor's push-button phone during a party is
forbidden.
(It runs up an incredible long distance bill.)

Rental cars are not to be used to go "over the river and through the
woods to Grandma's house."
Endlessly singing "Frosty, the Snowman" under your breath at the mall
will result in "no presents" this year.

All fruitcake is to be eaten before July 25, 2001.

Laced Eggnog will not be secreted in Pepsi cans.

Letting Grampa play "Santa" in long underwear dyed red is discouraged.
Several children are still in therapy as a result of last year's
"incident" when Flopsy, Mopsy and Peter Cottontail made an unexpected
"appearance."

Thank yall for reading them,,and enjoying the jokes,,and for the ones
here posting as well hell yaaaaa,,,good stuff as well,,love to all here
Thomas,,,,

hmmmm Twisted a lil ,,but funny as hell

lol good shizzy

Thank u