Love that!!

Yes, I think I had a couple of visits from Dad after he died. I still feel him watching over me and mom.

I am taking Mom to physical Therapy twice a week to keep her walking strength up.

After she is gone (shes 88) I won't know what to do with myself.

Here's a rose for you Jeanniebean,
us Mingle Friends will be here for you.

Thanks

Again Thank you all,

I feel better.

Sorry to read about your dad glg hugs

I have had this same experience so I understand the helplessness that one feels in only being able to say and do so much. You say everything and do everything you can, but it still doesn't seem like it's enough. In the end, loving and surrendering and expressing is all we can due.
@Unsure, I had a similar dream 3 days before my father died. In the dream, he said "Look baby, I can run and I can jump, and feel my arms, I have skin like a baby's skin!" This brought me an enormous, enormous comfort three days later, as I did not arrive in time to witness his actual passing since he lived a distance from me.
@GLG, just do the best you can with a patient loving heart and your dad will know how you feel about him! Love and prayers for you and your father!

GLG2009...i was there for my mom and dad during there last years and the end also. i just want say it warms my heart to hear all the loving and caring people here for you in your time of need.,,…

Such great sharing and right on advise.

When my Dad was dying, it is still hard for me to say it because it is way more personal even for a season Hospice caregiver like myself, we had some conversations and he admitted he had concerns. I would suppose they are some similar and some different in every family.

When they are weak and tired it is not like you can talk about them all in one conversation. If Alzhiemer's or medication makes memory hazy it can be even more difficult. I told my Dad we could think and pray on things and talk them over like when we planned for any other trip. I gave him a little spiral of index cards with a pen so he could keep a list. Sometimes his scrawled ideas were only one word but we worked through it. Some days I would see him reading through our little journal of conversations and thinking so hard you could almost see the wheels going around in his head; other's just letting go of emotions the tears would slip down his cheeks. Some things take time to sink in. Sometimes it meant giving him time to process in private others just being near by for comfort.

Death is something most are uncomfortable to talk about and years ago it was very taboo so many seniors have only bits and pieces about the subject. Often fear is a big issue. Also as children age and grow more independent parents may not know what or how you are going to handle things and handing over complete control is difficult. I found the more I let Dad make choices the more he seems to relax and get comfortable with the idea of his own death.

A lot is said about saying what you need to say to the person who is dying so you don't have any regrets. I would say to some degree that is true. Telling a parent you love them, appreciate their sacrifices, feel they did a good job preparing you for life, that you get that their intentions were good even if you didn't exactly get it at the time or agree. and your feelings about death can go a long way at putting them at peace they still have to find it on their own terms. If conversations are to rehash old beefs. make them believe as you do, or to hurry things up you may find it blows up in your face because death is still all about the person who is dying and not those who are watching. If you are watching a parent die you will have regrets; that is just part of the deal. Hopefully they are not huge but sometimes they are.

Some of the things we discussed are personal but the biggies follow.

Yea dying and watching someone die kind of sucks at times. People above mention Dad's being grouchy but I would add it is ok to acknowledge to the person who is dying that sometimes you are going to be grouchy about it too; doesn't mean anyone is bad it is just a feeling.

That yes we can feared death to some degree but it is another part of life and we get through the rest we would get through this.

We talked about what we really thought was going to happen to his body. People dying do have certain vanities and concerns about their corpse just as they do their bodies in life. Some of the graphic TV programs and burying his spouse gave my Dad some information and some miss information. The Hospice nurse was able to answer some questions and a few he was actually more comfortable asking the nurse. At one point we had a discussion about how sometimes as family caregiver we step out of the "parent/child" shoes and put on the "patient/caregiver" shoes and what is right and wrong shift in some instances.

We talked about his soul and what heaven and hell might be like. And how he was going to face the people who might be there. This concept gets decidedly more complicated when there are more than one spouse to think about. Or parents that they might have to account to. Or a higher power. My Dad was very comfortable with the idea of returning to his beloved second wife but had a hard time with the fact that he had dated a few times or telling me that he wanted to be with her rather than my Mother would hurt my feelings. He was also uncomfortable with how people in the after life would see him; especially since he had aged. Then we had a nice talk about forgiveness and acceptance. And how we see through the heart that gives us rose colored glasses.

We talked about how comfortable we both were with how he lived his life given what he knew as he lived it. We talked about hindsight being 20/20 and all the changes in the world that makes understanding things kind of different between generations being just how it is. Gave my Dad some opportunities to talk about his parents and how that all factored in. And how at end of life the current generations present are not the only ones in the room so to speak.

My Dad wasn't very concerned about money until the end of his life. He saw me manage his money and clean up his messes but he was concerned that without his it might be more difficult. All the talk about ending social security really frightened him having lived before it existed. It seem to comfort him greatly that I could explain a plan. LOL he still bought grocery like I was going to feed an army but having the surplus visible really calmed him.

We also talked about him being gone and me being alone as an empty nester. Dying has a way of motivating parents to want to see their kids "ducky's are in a row" relationship wise. I knew my Dad, who was separated from the time I was a young child until after I was widowed, grieved not giving me away but it was a poignant conversation indeed that he wanted to be with me not only at his funeral but my wedding if that happy opportunity ever occurred.

He was also concerned about my safety. And comfort. While he had been too ill for several years to wash dishes because he had talked me out of buying a dishwasher as his "job" when I remodeled my kitchen he seemed pleased as punch telling the Hospice nurses I bought a dishwasher and security alarm. I am pretty sure he shut off the lift the robbers fell off of trying to escape my home when my "caregiver ear" alerted me awake to see them and call the police to come catch them. So yea that and several other things have made me fell telling Dad he would be around when I needed him even after death has proved to be true.

Many dying fear pain at death but my Dad did not have a lot of pain because he accepted and was relieved by a closely balanced combination of medications that allowed him peaceful waking time and restful sleep most times. Partially because we had a conversation and I explained that him refusing pain medication was as much torture for us as it would be for him regardless if he thought he deserved some pain. Surprisingly some Seniors seem to expect it and see it as fair since others suffered they should. That may be faith based as earning your way into heaven where the older generation have been taught to expect discipline or just guilt but my Dad just thought it might be inescapable. But we had one day he hallucinated and it really scared him so we talked about him not thinking straight more than pain and how it was ok to tell me if he had scary thoughts so we could balance his medication.
Those who find they have an overly anxious patient, especially one who is getting up and pacing or falling because they panic and go alone before you can get up and help probably wants to talk to their medical team because it may be a need for anti-anxiety medication along with pain medication to be adjusted.

Probably the hardest conversation about dying in his sleep was that My Dad's fear was he would not remember to say Thank You for something or I love you; good bye to loved ones including me. It was a trauma in our lives when I was a small child he did not want to repeat in the end of his life. Since I told him that none of us can predict the moment our life ends no matter how many signs we get that death is near, he could say it whenever he felt like it and that I and others he loved would not forget it. He got a Thank You card and posted it over his bed. We had several conversations about his memorial, he dictated fair well letters to a few and this was another time having a Hospice worker help he wrote his fair well to me and put it in his stuff to handle later. Not all good byes are done, or need to be done, in person. My Dad was satisfied with me telling him see you later.

So if say Goodbye or see you later it is a personal decision that can be handled many ways.

Born to die
I feel your pain
Into each life
Must come some rain

Just lend in comfort
To love be true
Say how much
He has meant to you

It's in Gods hands
So let it be
As he moves on
Into destiny...

(((Hugs)))

We mourn not for those first to go
But for those of us who must remain...
Bless you and may God comfort you through this
Time of heart break...

KiK
..#
"/"

It is never easy to let go...

Best wishes GLG sending hugs and prayers your way...Be strong, God bles you!

Nice Kik Wish I could have your talent. This an other posts show that this is a true caring community.

Beautiful!

Lots of prayers for you and your father, GLG! What a great group of people here at Mingle. Lots of big hearts! Very inspiring.

just affirm him that the lord did not give us a spirit of fear but of hope and a sound mind...and that to trust in the lord for whatever he has for his life...and that to be joyful because to absent from the body is to be present with the lord where there is no pain no worries and constant joy...death and natural birth are something we see once and they both are something to be joyful for...continue to encourage him but mostly pray that the lord does a work in his heart to know that its a time for everything according to thhe word read him the beattitudes...and whatever he needs get it for him assure him he not alone even when u not there to assist let him know god there...he says if u suffer with me u shall also reign with me but prayer is the best thing u can do get on ur knees and pray with him and tell him daily u love him and its ok....may the lord bless u both..

Wow guys

wow

your in my thoughts GLG

My grandma was put on hospice and she wasnt able to wake from her coma due to a stroke so I remember my sister leaning over my grandma and saying its okay grandma everyone is here we all love you its okay to go dont be afraid and within a min my grandma let out herlast breath I think it does help Iif u cant say it sing it sing songs to him we sang amazing grace to her

Sorry to hear about your dad GL.. It is so hard to let go of a parent or child.. My mother passed in 2007 after having a heart valve replaced but died from congested heart failure.. We (children and gkids)were there with her and she struggled to breathe..The room was silent and nobody wanted to tell her it was ok to let go. I was holding her hand and finally told her that we were all there and that we loved her and when I finished I could feel her leaving peacefully.. It was hard but glad she was at peace..
PS..I know she went happy as she was watching a Cleveland Indians baseball game...her favorite thing to do...lol
I'll be keeping you and your dad in my prayers..