this is more than a scathing plea
than a message

so i showed her all the things i can cook
because you taught me
to read and drink and die
and, you know, cook

despite what they say about you
it's fine

i don't believe in heaven
but today is an arbitrary attribution
upon our boring past

you told me to follow what i cared about

so i found a girl
and we fell in love
and you met her... while i stood in
that goddamn hospital line that night
and i tried not to weep

yes, i was so cold
she kept me warm
you didn't know her much
she let me be afraid

that's what i needed

so as days passed by
and days passed you by
and i moved in to a nice apartment
(across the street)
that i couldn't afford
and tried to reconcile my poor spirit
and empty pockets
with her tortured bank account

i kneel on the snow outside your
third story apartment
and get drunk

because this is where my father died
i haven't written one damn thing
worth a letter of denial
but they say they like my work

keep working, they say

i never loved you for your wallet
and i stole that wallet once
and i did a bunch of acid
and tried to die

i don't know
i returned the money i had when the pills didn't kill me

but you didn't care
it was fine
i was alive

in our house, our tiny little apartment
where the walls dragged in so hideously
that it felt like some
desperate dream

and it's too late now
and nothing that i write comes out right

they don't know the months of motels
or the crack
or the sad, irish boy
sitting in the back of the car
working at the homeless shelter
as a child
because what happened to you would never
happen to anybody else, right?

Right?

I never went back there after you died.
And though I know it's going
to hell, I also found your letters.

I don't care.

So it's an arbitrary holiday
sprinkled with loss for me
and I revel in it,
and my pointless poetry
that can never bring you back.

But you listened to it,
in some drunken stupor,
as I cleaned blood off the floor
and prayed it wouldn't be
one more night in the hospital waiting room,
or patrolling the exterior,
hoping, dying for some
girl to save me.

Happy fathers' day.
I love you and I don't hate you.
I smile at the fact
we will never, ever talk again,
my eldest of friends.

..loved..