They say that a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. A lot of people won't date you though if they think that you're looking for a soulmate. It would be playing somebody to pretend that you want a serious relationship if you don't but what if they're just looking for no strings and you keep quiet about wanting more than that? They say that they don't want a commitment and aren't going to give you one, so where's the problem in dating them until something better comes along? You aren't going to get all clingy on them, which is what they say that they don't want but you'll drop them for somebody that's offering more than friendship with benefits.

Is this really being deceitful? It's hard to see how if you're giving them what they want and you want it too, for now.

Are you saying you're looking for a soulmate or a casual relationship? You lost me along the way there.....I need to know so I can formulate my reply....

I didn't ask you out on a date. It was a hypothetical question.

They aren't mutually exclusive. I thought that was pretty clear from my post.

What's shocking or scarey about that?

It's a hypothetical question, like I said. Don't assume anything about me from it. What's wrong with it? someone tells you that they just want somebody to have a bit of fun with and hang out with sometimes and they don't want to get "involved". You agree to it if it seems like a mutually acceptable arangement. It's not for life and there's no commitment.

Do people that say that they're just looking for no strings want to have their cake and eat it?

Casual dating to me means, dating people without the expectation of exclusivity.

sorry OP had to stop reading at " two in the bush"

I thought the same thing!!!

it looks good on paper. but they tend to not work out all that well. for the sake of discussion, you are the one that is marking time till more comes along. but low and behold your feelings for the casual one keep growing, until something breaks. tread lightly if you pursue this path

Exactly what Eric said.

I have been looking for monogamous/soulmate from the beginning of my single-ness. However, I tried dating a guy that said upfront that he didn't want a committed relationship because he was sweet, a gentleman, funny and we had fun talking and going out. It lasted for 2 months...I started falling hard for him and had to tell him. It was me, of course that was hurt in this process, not him. I don't blame him at all...I gave it a shot and got myself hurt, it was all on me.

With that said, I do not think it's a good idea for someone who wants commitment to date someone who does NOT want commitment. That is unless you WANT to put your heart out there to be trampled on.

I get your point but I think that you really only get your heart trampled on if you put all your eggs in one basket. There's a difference between just settling for what you can get and keeping your options open. It's your own fault if you start getting ideas that something could be more than it is and the same goes for playing along with their romantic BS when they're quite clearly saying that they will never love you.

The problem is that developing emotional attachments and rational thought are mutually exclusive. The heart wants what it wants. Someone can enter into a friendship with a strictly pragmatic purpose, but those irritating emotions get in the way.

The best relationships I've ever had were those with no expectations on either side. This way you can figure out what you'd like it to be...

as i said ts tread lightly. personally i have had it go both ways from both directions. if it works for the two of you great.

Yeah. I know what you mean. If it's someone that's saying that they don't want to get involved then you have to take the same atitude with them. Don't get into a one sided relationship where the other person's getting it all their own way. You can't expect to be both treated like a whore and a princess.

yep and sometimes even with the best intentions it happens anyway

There was a time in my life I was very upfront and honest,that I was dating casually. I had the whole speech that I would give, still remember it today. And I meant it for that time.

I knew I wasn't in a good place in my life. So I felt this was as honest as I could be. Not saying it is right..

because most of the time what I knew would be more of casual dating most hung around hoping for more, that is when it isn't okay..When we hurt someone else.


"Casual dating means I am not sleeping with you and there are no strings attached if you find someone that trips your trigger go for it no hard feelings we are just hanging anyway."


Now saying all that I have never went on a date wondering is this the one.. I figure that will show itself along the line.

I've had those in the past but i referred to them as casual shagging

Yes, it can get complicated and people can get hurt but on the other hand you could date people that you don't really see as relationship material and you wouldn't be messing them about. Well, you could maybe tell yourself that anyway. You're certainly entering into a situation with someone that would want rid of you as soon as you said that this isn't what you want anymore.

Have you ever met anybody that did keep quiet about wanting more than fun?

In my experience people that want "more than that" tend to shout it from the rooftops, view their desire for "more" as some sort of holy scripture that makes them better than those dirty filthy people that just slut around playing others.

It's all over their dating profiles "looking for: relationship, not into ONS, not looking for FWB, no players, looking for something serious, want something lasting, looking for my soulmate, if you're just looking for fun/hang out/sex move on."

I don't think I've ever met someone that ever said "I first contact people looking for FWB just in case they are lying about it and really want something serious," or read in a profile, "if you're married, contact me, because I know you can commit to marriage and I'm looking for long term, but am happy to have an affair until you commit to me."


IME the people that want "more than that" and do end up dating for "fun" are really people that only want fun, but they don't want the labels accorded to people that only want fun, they want the image that they're "good" and "normal" and looking for a "normal" and secure relationship.


Same reason once you graduate high school or college you don't take kindergarten refresher courses.
You end up retarding your abilities, especially in terms of communication, learning bad habits, and eventually the only type of people you can communicate with are the type you thought you wanted to avoid.

A better analogy would be to borrow from the technology thread.
Some people have wonderful interpersonal communication skills.
But if you then get them to do nothing but interact via text, IM, email, forums, impersonal methods of communication, that eventually becomes what they are most familiar with, overwriting their ability to effectively communicate on an interpersonal level.

No different with relationships. If you want more, then you should keep striving for more in your relationships. If you settle for what's good for the short term, right now, eventually that's what you'll always end up with.

Especially since everyone has a shelf life of mating desirability, and the longer you put it off, the more your dating pool shrinks, the more it exacerbates your routine of settling for right now.

No different than being married for 40 years and then trying to date again.
No different than focusing solely on your career, never dating, and then trying to date at 60.
No different than eating nothing but McDonald's for days, weeks, months, years, waiting for nutrition to come find you.

If you want more, go for more. Anything less you are hurting yourself.

That's the "problem" in short term dating until something better comes along. It becomes your norm.


Maybe.
Usually it's self deception on what someone "really" wants.
Lots of people think they want their soul mate, something long term, but they don't, they just want a secure means of selfish social relationship gratification. They want the freedom to do whomever, whenever, that gives them the biggest high...they just don't want to be judged the same as the type of people that just kinda hang out and fool around promiscuously.

I don't know about that. Like I said, they could just not be someone that you would want to settle down with because they're not really what you're looking for in a partner but you get on as friends and like the benefits. Of course there are people that want more than casual sex but do it because they're sexually frustrated or a bit lonely. You could spend years looking for a serious relationship and maybe never get it. Do you have to put that search off while you've got a **** buddy?