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| Topic: Caring for elderly parents/parent | |
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This situation has really bothered you , ever since I have known you , from these forums....
I went thru this a few years ago . It had reached the stage, that the caring ,the love ,the loyalty , was just not enough for the parents , on top of that was the criticism from them, plus from the extended family . All this took a toll on life itself ... and that was a very depressing feeling ... Long story short . Got them to apply for a retirement home , and they were gladly accepted . ..It was tough seeing them move into that Home for the Aged... but you know what .... everyone is really happy and moving on with a normal life ... visits are great , video calls even better and they get to mingle with their peers... win win ! Stay positive ... Yeah I know it's easy to say that .... but , I think you did the right thing by opening up to these forums, where you have many fans, oops ! ... friends .... even though they have given free advice , you can't go wrong , heeding some of it !!! |
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Edited by
Slim gym
on
Mon 04/04/22 05:50 PM
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double .... trouble....post... sorry !!!
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But I'm so conflicted Apparently it's never enough....... So do I keep on giving till it kills me? Is then it enough? The short answer is no but the long answer is maybe. It all depends on what the other family members say about it. If they say they have no time when you ask (and you have to ask) then I know you well enough to know you will keep on giving because that is the kind of caring person you are. You would have to because if you would say no more after the other family members would say no then you would always wonder if you did the right thing and that could hurt you more in the long run. But you have to at least find out what the other family members feel about giving more. You will do the right thing Kit! 
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I just wanted to thank everyone for the love and support!
 I'm hoping I can get back on here soon, and really read and process your ideas. I'm just to raw right now, and y'all's kindness and caring makes me  And if anyone's been there, you'll know routine is important and any change causes major problems. We've been up all night, using flashlights because the power is out( it's not), packed a bag because the storm gets too bad we'll have to leave( never rained a drop) , and I helped her shower at 1:30 am because she itches and says she hasn't had a shower for a month...( I helped her shower twice yesterday and three times the day before) And now I'm off to do more laundry, because according to her everything is filthy, even though I spent all day yesterday doing all the laundry, and the day before that, and the day before that  I really just stopped in to tell you thanks Stay blessed and have a beautiful day PS TF  I'll work on my rant That comment made me laugh, thanks  |
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Did You Know To Smile
I thought you must have got forgetten...   Tc.  
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Above all else, take KitKat power naps when you can.
Sending love and light to you and your mom. |
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Hey kitkat .. only just saw your post . Sounds like you are doing it tough . I saw on another post that your mum has dementia . Not sure what stage she has and I am sure you are already well aware that it is progressive . Carer burnout is very real and you need to take it seriously and put in place safeguards for both you and your mum . You don’t need to answer to the following .. just some thoughts .
Have you spoken to your family doctor ? They can put in place referrals to help with respite care to give you a much needed break . Have you had any counselling or caregiver training ? There are free courses for the latter which can be so helpful and teach you techniques to help both you and mum . Perhaps a family member can step in and care for mum while you take timeout to do a dementia carer workshop . Getting family onboard is very Important . Covid has made family connections difficult but not impossible . Not sure what your family dynamics are like but you need to know where you stand on what they can do to contribute . Find a way to round them up and do not feel guilty or shame about sending out an SOS for help . You have taken on an incredible responsibility and I would hope they understand the consequences for you . Ask each member to consider what support they feel they can provide . They may be out of touch with your mum’s dementia and be unaware of the burden you are under . Try and encourage them to visit and spend time .. reality can bring about much needed change . It is a mistake to hide behind smiles .. they will see what you show them . If family remain unsupportive ..reach out to friends or your church members . You may feel you can do this alone .. but what I know about dementia that will become increasingly difficult . When you spend time with mum . Amongst all the chaos celebrate and appreciate the moments of joy . When “mum” is present . You still get to share those precious moments with her . I am sure everything I have posted you already know ...perhaps it is time to act . Kia kaha (stay strong ) and find a way to take some time to rest and regenerate . |
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Call Hospice. See if your mom qualifies. Ask if you can get a reprieve or at least volunteers to stay with her a couple of hours. (Hospice is not only for end of life care.)
If she doesnt qualify, ask them for referrals. Ask her Dr for insight. Is your mom's Dr a GP or Geriatric? (Hospice has a plethora of information. They will guide you to the right agencies that could help.) We finally saw a social worker via mom's hospital network. She is now under Hospice care at home. Does your mom have a social worker via her hospital? You need a reprieve. You and I both know burnout is real. Sending love, light, and strength. |
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=88lEWTEk3jg
Thought you might like this KK 
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This might be more rant, than open topic, and I hope I choose the right forum. But anyone want to talk about the challenges in caring for elderly parents? I took it on.... I'm broke, exhausted and wondering what next? I've got family members thinking I should do more, while they continue to work, live their lives and contribute a weekly or monthly call. I'm so so tired! I've gotten two days off, in the past 4 years. God, it hurts! how are you and your parents doing ms. kitkat? hope your doin okay...keep on praying ms. kitkat... ive cried a lot reading this topic... im afraid when times comes ill be doing this for my parents as well... but praying to Him that that when time comes, God will give me the strength that i need.. praying for you and your family... 
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Kit,
I know how you feel, and it's ok to have those feelings, just be careful they don't become resentment. In 2016, my father came home after months in rehab. He wanted to come home to finish out his day's. I moved home at that time to be his caregiver. I changed him, cleaned him, fed him and was with him the morning he left this world. I stayed on after he passed to help my mom. I have a brother and sister, but they have families and jobs, so there was very little help. Fast forward to May of this year. Mom had been in pain for several months. One morning she finally decided she couldn't deal with it and needed to have it seen to. It required an ambulance ride to the ER it had gotten that bad. Once there, and after CAT scans, x-rays and finally an MRI, they found it was spinal stenosis and would require a steroid injection. She is on blood thinners and was kept in the hospital so it could get out of her system before the procedure. During that time her BP and heart rate went wonky and she wound up in ICU. Eventually she was able to get the injection and come home. The very night she came home, she fell and broke her leg in the middle of the night. 911 called, fire dept came and got her off the floor ( shes is a big woman and I couldn't do it). She had surgery, went through a month or so in rehab and is now home with a brace on her leg. She WAS getting around with a walker until last Monday when she did something to her groin area trying to get back in bed and is now in a wheelchair and sleeping in a recliner. I'm curious how long before shes back in the hospital now as her groin is all bruised and I've never seen a pulled muscle do that, plus the injection for her back has worn off. So, I am the cook, janitor (emptying her potty chair 🤮), butler, laundry mat, and so on.. again, with no help.. I'm just lucky that no one is saying I'm not doing enough, but I feel exactly as you describe. Tired, broke, worn out.. with no help. I've started to have feelings of resentment towards my siblings as I've put off everything else I enjoy. I told myself after dad passec that one of them would have to do it next time, but here I am. Now as I read back on this, I question if I should post it, some may think I'm being selfish.. I kinda do sound that way after reading it.. The whole point is this, Kit. I know how you feel. |
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Kit, I know how you feel, and it's ok to have those feelings, just be careful they don't become resentment. In 2016, my father came home after months in rehab. He wanted to come home to finish out his day's. I moved home at that time to be his caregiver. I changed him, cleaned him, fed him and was with him the morning he left this world. I stayed on after he passed to help my mom. I have a brother and sister, but they have families and jobs, so there was very little help. Fast forward to May of this year. Mom had been in pain for several months. One morning she finally decided she couldn't deal with it and needed to have it seen to. It required an ambulance ride to the ER it had gotten that bad. Once there, and after CAT scans, x-rays and finally an MRI, they found it was spinal stenosis and would require a steroid injection. She is on blood thinners and was kept in the hospital so it could get out of her system before the procedure. During that time her BP and heart rate went wonky and she wound up in ICU. Eventually she was able to get the injection and come home. The very night she came home, she fell and broke her leg in the middle of the night. 911 called, fire dept came and got her off the floor ( shes is a big woman and I couldn't do it). She had surgery, went through a month or so in rehab and is now home with a brace on her leg. She WAS getting around with a walker until last Monday when she did something to her groin area trying to get back in bed and is now in a wheelchair and sleeping in a recliner. I'm curious how long before shes back in the hospital now as her groin is all bruised and I've never seen a pulled muscle do that, plus the injection for her back has worn off. So, I am the cook, janitor (emptying her potty chair 🤮), butler, laundry mat, and so on.. again, with no help.. I'm just lucky that no one is saying I'm not doing enough, but I feel exactly as you describe. Tired, broke, worn out.. with no help. I've started to have feelings of resentment towards my siblings as I've put off everything else I enjoy. I told myself after dad passec that one of them would have to do it next time, but here I am. Now as I read back on this, I question if I should post it, some may think I'm being selfish.. I kinda do sound that way after reading it.. The whole point is this, Kit. I know how you feel. |
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To the OP, wait until unfortunately your parents pass then your assh.le relatives will come out of the woodwork for their "SHARE" of the estate. Sorry but hitting a nerve with me since I was the primary care giver to my mother, who died of Pancreatic cancer exactly 2 years ago. My family just wanted to put her into a home, but she had no money or insurance to cover it. Medicare in USA sucks and county agencies wanted to her to sign everything over to them just to send a foreigner over once a day to check on her. Assh.ole county couldn't tell me the cost, again just wanted direct access to the little assets she had left.
She was in a lot of pain, built up a tolerance to the weak pain meds the doctor's could prescribe, since so many others in the States has to abuse opiods and now doctor's hands are tied on what they can prescribe. Of course this caused her to become mean to me, since I was the only one around her. So I mastered the system, drop her off at the ER when her electrolites dropped, after a week at the hospital, then to rehab facility until her Medicare time was up, then home for a week or two until we repeated it again. Unfortunately, during this process, I dropped her off at the ER, only to get a call the next day that there was nothing they could do but make her comfortable until she took her last breath. So **** armchair relatives, Medicare and Franklin County. I know what I did was the right thing to do. |
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Stu
I understand Please feel free to message me anytime if you want. I'm equal parts embarrassed for starting this thread and not articulating well enough how hard this situation is, and blessed that so many of you responded and offered help |
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Eddie.... Sounds like you did all you could
my younger brother comes down for two or three days every two years and has searched their bedroom, how much cash he's walked off with I'll never know, and prices everything in the house He came down in April, and proceeded to tell me how I should be doing more...I said fine you take her and do more.... He won't be back. My family won't help.... As far as I'm concerned they are no longer welcomed here , I've got enough to do without cleaning up, feeding, and caring for them. |
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Kit, I know how you feel, and it's ok to have those feelings, just be careful they don't become resentment. In 2016, my father came home after months in rehab. He wanted to come home to finish out his day's. I moved home at that time to be his caregiver. I changed him, cleaned him, fed him and was with him the morning he left this world. I stayed on after he passed to help my mom. I have a brother and sister, but they have families and jobs, so there was very little help. Fast forward to May of this year. Mom had been in pain for several months. One morning she finally decided she couldn't deal with it and needed to have it seen to. It required an ambulance ride to the ER it had gotten that bad. Once there, and after CAT scans, x-rays and finally an MRI, they found it was spinal stenosis and would require a steroid injection. She is on blood thinners and was kept in the hospital so it could get out of her system before the procedure. During that time her BP and heart rate went wonky and she wound up in ICU. Eventually she was able to get the injection and come home. The very night she came home, she fell and broke her leg in the middle of the night. 911 called, fire dept came and got her off the floor ( shes is a big woman and I couldn't do it). She had surgery, went through a month or so in rehab and is now home with a brace on her leg. She WAS getting around with a walker until last Monday when she did something to her groin area trying to get back in bed and is now in a wheelchair and sleeping in a recliner. I'm curious how long before shes back in the hospital now as her groin is all bruised and I've never seen a pulled muscle do that, plus the injection for her back has worn off. So, I am the cook, janitor (emptying her potty chair 冷), butler, laundry mat, and so on.. again, with no help.. I'm just lucky that no one is saying I'm not doing enough, but I feel exactly as you describe. Tired, broke, worn out.. with no help. I've started to have feelings of resentment towards my siblings as I've put off everything else I enjoy. I told myself after dad passec that one of them would have to do it next time, but here I am. Now as I read back on this, I question if I should post it, some may think I'm being selfish.. I kinda do sound that way after reading it.. The whole point is this, Kit. I know how you feel. Stu don’t ever think you are being selfish , you are doing Everything that you can and have every right to have different feelings . This doesn’t make you selfish . Love she hugs ((((( ))))))
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Eddie.... Sounds like you did all you could  my younger brother comes down for two or three days every two years and has searched their bedroom, how much cash he's walked off with I'll never know, and prices everything in the house He came down in April, and proceeded to tell me how I should be doing more...I said fine you take her and do more.... He won't be back. My family won't help.... As far as I'm concerned they are no longer welcomed here , I've got enough to do without cleaning up, feeding, and caring for them. My darling Kitkat, Yes fair play to be standing up to the others of them not being welcome there .you certainly have enough on your plate . You are a very strong amazing woman , always remember that . Love and hugs (((((( ))))))
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