Unless you gave up your rights or had them taken away as a non-custodial parent you still have the right/responsibility to participate in your child's life. He needs it and you need it.

The sooner the better you should contact your son. Don't make this more complicated than it is. I really don't think you need to have his Mother's permission but it is a courtesy that should be respected. Keep it breif, during business hours, and as distant as possible with her and her curent family. Keep the contact directly with your son. Sending him signature letters until you are sure he is getting them. When you you plan visits text his mother the times and dates and any last minute tardieness. The reality is you have to work so visits may be short. Twelve year olds are going to want to do things with their friends so you may have to share your time not only with the Mother's family but them.

I think Bulldog is right in being careful what you put in writing. Keep it light and upbeat. He is your kid not a pal or a confidant. It is fine to send him cards, age appropriate magazines, posters, or books. The phone company has a card that allows your child to call your number. Personally I think that is better than giving a young teen boy a calling card that could be used inapproriately. If you want him to have a phone ask to have a phone installed in his room with a long distance restrictor. I know younger kids have cell phones but it also creates a host of problems that I would wait to take on.

Since you obviously have a computer I would would set up a seperate screen name that is just for you to communicate to him from and for him to contact you. Emailing daily or at least weekly will allow you to rebuild the bonds you shared earlier and I would bet he will want again.

I wouldn't make a big deal about apology's. Kids are smart and know parents make mistakes. Talk about it when he brings it up other wise spend your energy reconnecting and moving forward.

Offer to ride bikes together or do charity walks/runs, go to the local YMCA (which you can belong to on sliding scale if you are still getting on your feet financialy), the community recreation commission, scouting, or school sports or band. If he has ADHD you know he has and IEP that is written every year. Show up for these meetings and be as knowledgeable as possible so you can participate. Take turns taking him to the dentist and pediatrician or other specialists. Ask these people to forward a written report to the Mother if you can not converse easily but keep copies so you know what is going on in your childs life. Be a parenting team.

If you are estabished in a house or apartment set up a bed and a desk for your son to study and sleep with you even if you have to put it behind the sofa and a privacy screen. A local thrift store can make the cost more managable. Even if he is not immediately ready to stay with you the effort will show him your home is also his.

I think you have to expect that it may not be an easy situation but if you put it in your mind that parenting is a life long job and you may be closer with your son when he is a young man it will help you both keep perspective. Developeing a hobby or interest you can share over the years will help. My ADHD child liked collecting baseball cards and they make good incentives for short term goals.

You won't know until you call, and I only speak from experience. My father was absent most of my life, not by choice. I only recently found that out. The longer you let it go on the harder it will be for you and for him to understand why you were not there. You do what you have to in order to be there for your son. If you have to go to court and do it legally, than do it. Pray about it and you will get all the help you need. You seem like a caring man and it will all work out in the end. Good luck to you and God bless.

Do not sit and write for opinions on this. You are his father call him, I am sure he misses you too. So pick up the phone an call.