(The Director saunters onto the set, lights a cigarette...looks around)

" O.K...places everybody!" (claps his hands). He then sits in the Directors chair and picks up his bullhorn. " I said PLACES EVERYBODY! O.K...I know we're running a little over budget so it is imperative that we NAIL EVERY SCENE. You're all actors so I expect you to ACT!" He takes a sip from his Starbucks cappucino. "Alright then. Where's my talent!?" He turns to address his assistant. Screams at him " Talent...NOW!!! Go find em'!" Waves the assistant towards the dressing rooms.
"O.K... Silence on the set people..."

(The Director looks around...)
"Jesus people. We don't have all day here. The studio is on my *** to get this film made." Turns and asks assistant " What...is everybody holed up in their trailers doin' coke or what? Go find my talent NOW!" Shakes his head and mutters under his breath "Damn spoiled *** movie stars..."

Where is my close-up????????????????????????

Holds out his arms and beams with delight. "Oh yes...my golden goose. If only the rest of the talent were as prompt as you. You are a true professional." The Director throws his cigarette to the ground, steps on it. "O.K. Where the hell is everybody else!?" Taps his foot in expectancy. "C'mon people, I got a MOVIE to make here!!!"

I'll be in my trailer.....send me a diet pepsi and a valium ......PRONTO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Where are my make up and wardrobe people? I can't come out of my trailer LOOKING LIKE THIS...I'll have my people call your people...

"Listen...I know your contract stipulates that the studio provide you with a make-up artist but it's simply not in the budget." The Director cracks his knuckles. "You're an artist right? Well...consider this an art film. Suffer for yr art!" The Director then lights up another cigarette...contemplating something. "Yea...critics just LOVE art films..."

G'morn.Scorp p.s.From the movie Dead Pool
Harry Callahan: So Hicks there is my new pen pal. I'm going to be sending him a letter once a week, and I'm going to be telling him how I'm gonna be looking in on his sick mother, and how I'm trying to get him special privileges here at the prison. And you know what's the interesting part? The interesting part is if anything happens to me, and Hicks doesn't get his letter, he's going to be really pissed off, and he's going to come down here and see you because you're the mail man. In fact he'll probably come down here to this post office and cancel your a$$ like a stamp. So you'd better ensure prompt, courteous delivery, and pray that nothing happens to me.

{{{Holly}}}
{{{L~l}}}

I am a superstar...I make 10 million dollars a film..I am the one, the only Matilda Alexandria Von Heibersteinbacher...( she flips her lovely blond locks) I'll not be spoken to like this...I will walk off your film and you'll be destroyed, your low budget piece of chit will fail without me, ( she sticks her tongue out like a spoiled brat) you'll never work in this town again..Mr. Dic!

(The Director takes another sip of capaccino...scratches his head...)
" Just what are you implying Cy, huh? What are ya' tryin' to SAY here? Are you implying than Eastwood is a better Director than I AM!!!" Takes a deep breath. "Is that what yr tring to imply here buddy? That EASTWOOD is a BETTER DIRECTOR than I AM!!!? Let me tell YOU something. Eastwood can't even direct TRAFFIC! You got me?"

"...and as for YOU, young lady...I can have yr job (snaps fingers)just like that! I can personally guarantee that you NEVER eat lunch in THIS tow again. Do you HEAR ME!!??"

(hand on hips and head bobbing).".Well I NEVER...you Mr. Dic are a Dick...
I will have my lawyer call your cheap lawyer and I will sue you for what very few pennies you have left." (Ms. Von Heibersteinbacher shakes her fists at the Dick with tears running down her lovely fair freckled, and extremely high cheekbones.)."I am the queen of the screen, I can not work under these conditions" (she storms off the set, as one of her spike heels gets caught in a a small crack on the street, and falls down) "AWWWWW, my leg, me leg, I think my beautiful, slender, and terribly sexy leg is broke..I will own you Mr. Dic..I will own you"

Well! I never!!I simply can not believe that I even considered signing on to this 2 bit,low-budget B movie.In all of my highly successful acting years I have never witnessed such total incompetence.I've been told that part of your cast are held up in trailers & there smoking,snorting.shooting & Gawd knows what else.Your filming crew have their equipment set-up outside of a rusted trailer w/a cheap beer logo on it.Geez! I'm contacting my lawyer & agent as we speak.

(The Director sits in deep contemplation...)
" I do believe that instead of making a movie we are actually BECOMING the movie. Maybe we need to re-think think our entire mission here."

"How dare you Mr. Poet" says the lovely b!tchy actress....
"Just because I was in my trailer waiting for my make up and wardrobe people and I got terribly bored because I am a starlet and must be constantly entertained and pampered and had to shoot up my heroin and snort my cocaine and slam my shots of whiskey...well, are you trying to say that is why I fell and broke my incredibly muscular leg", she quickly vomits out a mouthful..
" I will sue you for slander, I am a lady" ( she lets out a really loud whiskey fart) and I will not be spoken to like this by you..you, you, you..
(she pukes and farts again)are no gentleman, no your not sir"..(burp)

"I'm thinkin' Oscar here."

I's say so, I'm strutting around the house like a movie star...

(The Director paces back and forth and seems concerned...)
" I believe we've deviated from the script. Wait. Do we even HAVE a script!?"