My mother is likely entering the final stage of her cancer and has already been thru the hysterics phase.

What she seems to be struggling with is telling people she is dying. She was on the phone with me last nite and seemed to be trying to tell me that. I could tell she was holding back crying and so was I. I could also tell she was trying to say more but I dont know what.

All I could think of to respond with was, "Yes, and I love you. You are always in my thoughts". I asked her if she had considered making any plans to do something fun. She said she's really too tired. She'll go out to lunch, now and then, with people.

I think she needs more tho. If anyone has experience in this area, or even if not, what do you think can be said, or done to give her peace or closure with people in her life?

After Rick's passing I have though a lot about what would I do if I knew I was dying. The only conclusion I came to was that if money was no option (and it always is) I would throw a 3 day party, have all my favorite foods, lots of cake and pie and give every one a big hug. So that is sort of a wish list thing. As for your mom, ask her. I know it is hard to do so without tears, but those tears are cleansing.

Maybe she could write a letter that expresses all her thoughts. How about if you could get a video camera and ask her about what she remembers most about her life, what she learned as a mom or what were some of her greatest joys.

I wish I had videotaped Rick when he was telling me all his life stories. Its one of those...if I had only known moments.

There's really no right answer for this. I just had a loved one pass away a week ago today from cancer. It was an awful fight. So many times we would talk and there was always something unspoken kind of lingering in the air but refusing to come out and be heard.
He was scared. And so was I. Once he finally came to actual terms that it simply was not in his control, not his fault, nothing to be done about it but love everyone you can for as long as you have left, he seemed to be much more at peace.
My heart goes out to you and your mom.

to you both

I'm so sorry for your pain, klc. I think justme's idea about a letter or videotape is excellent. The stories from her past -- so many times parents never get around to sharing these with their children. Or she might just want to talk about something else that's important to her.

"it simply was not in his control, not his fault, nothing to be done about it but love everyone you can for as long as you have left" This sentence by Jill is just beautiful and I'm sure is the heart of the matter. Do you think your mother has reached this point?

Both my parents died quickly and in circumstances where I was not able to be with them. If you haven't already done so, you might talk with your mother about how lucky the two of you are that you can share her last days. If she is past "hysterics" as you said, then the thing left unsaid may possibly be a wish on her part to speak openly about the inevitable, at least with you. It would take a lot of courage on both your parts. I'm not positive I could do it myself, but I think I would appreciate the attempt. You could even just ask her what you've asked us here in your last sentence. You worded it very well.

(((hug)))

Thanks Bravalady. I think youre right about the conversational needs, and I hadnt even thought about that hard question, which she may be longing for.

It will probably mean 'in person' time, which I dont have much of (she lives in Boston). I may have to make a trip, and my kid has spring break coming up.

The only suggestion I could really give is to tell her it's ok to be scared, and she's not responsible for comforting you and making you try to feel better about it. Spend time with her, try to enjoy each other's company rather than being sad all the time. Make some more good memories. Show her there is more to her than cancer.

This is a tough place.
It can be different for everyone.
I gave up a career.....and moved 800 miles to return to the home of my youth after 27 yrs away.
I was able to enjoy a year and a half with Mom before she passed.
I wouldn't trade that for anything.
Having me close was The best gift I could have given her.
Now I am caregiver to my 83 yr old Dad.
I have made some bad choices in my life.....
But all I had at the time was my career, and giving it up to come here for Mom and Dad was the best choice I ever made.
Again, it is different for everyone, and its not all about quantity of time......but the Quality!!!
God Bless you both!!

I totally agree Jill. I was hoping she had something really fun she wanted to do, now that she's 'taking care of bizness'. You know, bucket list kinda thing. She's always wanted to go to Paris but that would be too strenuous.

Maybe just surround her with things and people she likes ...like flowers, family, friends, fav dishes.

I think I'll make her a pitcher of white sangria with all kindsa fruit. Maybe get my sister to connect in some way...she's been avoiding her...ignoring really. Alcohol may help.

She's already given me family heirlooms that when I was younger, I told her I wanted someday. She's totally trina say 'laterz'.

That is Wonderful! And youre so lucky to have had that to give. Hard work too.

The quality of life is what we are told at the home. Comfort care is the term given for those that have do not resuscitate on their charts. But dealing with death is not so clinical when you have to deal with it day in and day out. I have seen the hysterics and sometimes just helping them by holding their hand. I have been at the place with the hysterics where I really felt so inadequate. We try to comfort each other after a passing. Being there with the family members to help them cope is important, too. I really didn't even know what hospice meant when my Dottie passed away. I have learned that being there for others is the best help that I can give for myself.

My heart goes out to you and your Mother, truly.

I recently lost my father and was his main caregiver for over a year. Even though we had a year together ~ knowing what was inevitable at any moment really ~ I still have regrets of not talking about certain things with him. At the time it seemed right to let him drive the conversations and talk about what he was comfortable with and wanted to discuss. Even though it was the worst and the best year of my life all in one, there are things I would do differently if given the chance.

There are some great online resources for this type of thing and if there is a cancer center your Mother is involved in, or even in your own area, they have unlimited resources and information. Not only in dealing with the disease but dealing with this type of issue ~ how to handle it emotionally for everyone involved.

It's hard to face the reality, that's a major first step ~ but then dealing with the myriad of emotions and realities that come after that is a daily rollercoaster ride in itself.

I wish I had specific answers for you. Everyone and every relationship is different and I hope you'll find your way for both your Mother's and your own benefit.

Keeping you and yours in my thoughts and prayers

Thank you. Such fine people here, just available when you need them.

My heart goes out to you K. Unfortunately, have no experience in this area but my thoughts are with you

thanks bambean.

Be there for her as much as you can, there's not really much you can say or do. Sorry.

Thanks Sir Totage. Im gonna do the best I can.

I think dignity and comfort are important. If i was a nurse, i'd know i'd be constantly giving patients those two things. I've experienced how bad symptoms can get (not necessarily with cancer), and i feel happy when people are recovered, due to seeing what they went through. I'm talking kidney stones, amputation, etc. Just her knowing you care and are there for her will be enough. I can understand how you want to do more for her. Sorry if i'm typing some long paragraph here. lol. And when she's gone, we will still be here for you. Just make the most of the time you have left with her. She'll appreciate it :) *hug*

Im so far away and not really able to be there so I try to keep in touch by way of cards and notes and letters. She told me she's too tired sometimes to answer the phone and tho I hate phones, Im still not always available either if she calls.

I try to send good cheer regularly. She's also managing the death of her youngest brother, so her siblings are also deciding how to distribute family heirlooms n such. Fun.

When we were losing my mother,
We were told the best way to deal with it,was to tell her it was okay!Was the hardest thing I ever had to do.But was also the best thing we could of done for her.Dieing is the hardest thing! But for some.They need to know you will be okay.
They feel guilty for having to leave you.And will hang on and suffer for much longer then they deserve!They are fine! tHEY HURT FOR THE ONES THEY LEAVE BEHIND! If that makes any sence.
My heart goes out to you!