November 18, 2009 -- In response to thousands of requests (OK, two requests, -- I was never any good at math), two of my books are now on Amazon Kindle. They're low-sodium, fat-free, and make great gifts! But then again, you could say the same thing for Pop-Tarts.

November 3, 2009 -- My third book has been published and now I'm checking Amazon every 14 minutes to see when it actually gets listed. I like seeing something I did show up on the internet. It proves that I really exist! Doesn't it?

October 31, 2009 -- Letting go of someone you've loved for a very long time is hard. I'm really not sure if those ties are ever really broken completely -- once you've truly loved someone, I think there's still going to be a remnant of feeling for that person, regardless of how badly they've treated you, how badly they've used you and taken advantage of your feelings for them.

Having said that, I feel as if I've finally recovered, recuperated from the damage caused by my last serious relationship. I had to build a wall, after dealing with all the lies and empty promises, the constant "I love you" proclamations that came out every time she NEEDED me for something; the same proclamations that mysteriously vanished, along with her, every time I helped her fix her problems.

I just don't want to play that silly little game anymore.

I'm open to trying again, but I'm NOT going to rush into anything. And I will NOT be domesticated....!

October 29, 2009 -- Finally got the "Perfectly Frank" files to the publisher, just waiting on the proof copy. 442 pages. Jeez, will I never learn to shut up?

October 16. 2009 -- I like to put it out there right up front that I'm a published author, with two books that came out last year, and a third one that's almost ready (I finished the back cover today! Now I just have to do the front cover!) --

The reason I like to get this out there right away is because it's about the only thing I'm any good at. (I know, I know, a preposition is a bad thing to end a sentence with.)

The way I see it, there MUST be a few people left in the world who can still read. Granted, I rarely (if ever) see any evidence of that, but then maybe the readers are hiding this ability to avoid being ostracized, which I think means you get turned into an ostrich. That can't be much fun.

So, I'm hoping that maybe some literary types will see this and somehow decide that maybe an author wouldn't be so bad after all.

August 29, 2009 -- If you're looking for a friend, a creative type, a published author of two books (with a third on the way), someone with a background in psychology, someone who has spent his whole life being active (baseball and hockey), someone who knows how to listen, someone who doesn't have any interest whatsoever in politics or religion or marriage or kids, then you've come to the right place.

If you want a drinker, a domestic farm animal, someone who lives his life according to the traditions and expectations of strangers and countless past generations of inertia-driven existence, there's the door.

August 17, 2009 -- Hi. In case you haven't stopped by before, I should warn you that this is probably the longest profile in the world.

Some of what you'll read here won't make much sense unless you've read a bunch of my forum posts -- there's a lot of cross-continuity and, as a writer, that's important to me for some reason or other.

Anyway, I want to preface this whole thing by saying I am NOT in the market for a girlfriend anymore -- not that I've found one or anything, I've just given up on the whole idea. Why? Because there just doesn't seem to be anybody out there worth getting mixed up with.

As much as I love women -- most of my friends have been of the female persuasion since I was about 15 -- let's face it, women are smarter than men, better problem-solvers, more open-minded, better communicators, and, in my opinion, just more fun to spend time with -- the typical "guy stuff," i.e., going to bars and working on cars, fishing, etc., makes absolutely no sense to me -- as much as I love women, I've accepted the fact that I can never be romantically attached to any of them on anything more than a very short-term basis.

I wish it wasn't true, but it is.

I can't find anybody who doesn't drink and who doesn't have kids. They just don't exist.

Wait, let me amend that. I have found a few on this site. I've written to them. They never write back. I mean, not even once.

OK, so I'm supposed to believe that a published author of two books (with another on the way) can't write a response-worthy e-mail? Please.

So that's that. I will spend the rest of my life alone and writing. I can live with that. And when I get lonely, I'll just think back to what it was like being married, or what it was like living with the endless parade of drug users and alcoholics and so on and so forth.

Girls, as much as I adore you, as close as we've been as friends, you've never done a damn thing for me romantically but screw up my life. And I've had enough.

July 17, 2009 -- Finished yet another short story today, called "The Gift," which puts an ironic twist on the whole ORB storyline. Looks more and more like the next book will be short stories -- I think I'm flip-flopping books 4 and 5 now, since I have so much more material ready for the short story one than I have for "Moving Targets."

July 12, 2009 -- Finished a short story today, called "Post-Op" -- it stems from "The Operation" in "Moving Parts" and shows Jimmy running into Hal many years after the brain surgery. It's really intended to set up some of the stuff that happens in "White Rainbow," although that's still in the really early stages.

July 4, 2009 -- I have a confession to make: I'm not really an arrogant, narcissistic, conceited jerk. Well, maybe a little.

Mostly, I'm just a very shy, reclusive writer who avoids the spotlight as much as possible, although it does seem to have a rather unfortunate knack for finding me and glaring in my all-too-sensitive eyes and giving me a headache.
This is why Al Gore invented Ibuprofen.

Why am I here? Well, eHarmony told me I was unmatchable (not religious enough, not homophobic enough, plus I assume I'm just not scary enough to be in their TV commercials), and the people here are better, anyway.

Here's what I'm looking for -- communication is important to me, so I would like to find someone who feels the same way -- I once knew someone who, no matter where we were, what we were doing, how long we were there, whatever, we NEVER ran out of things to talk about. That was nice.

And then there are times you really don't need to say anything; but the communication is still in place. It just arrives from a different direction.

I've been in a lot of relationships -- I used to be a musician (not an excuse, just an explanation) -- and I found out that, without communication, I'm going to get bored really quickly. So that's a huge consideration.

But there's more. I'm looking for someone who would understand my creative side -- the writing -- this is crucial; I had 2 books published last year, and the third one is almost ready to go to the publisher (just waiting for the cover) -- planning seven books in the series, and after that....? Who knows?

And I've found, as a general rule, I tend to get along better with people who share that creative drive -- artists, musicians, writers, whatever -- although it's not etched in stone -- but I'd like to find someone who at least understood it.

I am not looking for marriage -- been there, done that, got the fifth degree burns -- but I wouldn't necessarily rule it out, under the right circumstances. I would like something long-term, maybe even permanent -- with the right person, but I'm not looking to be domesticated....I want to share my life with one person, and only one....

What do I bring to the table? Well, there's intellect, there's creativity, there's the fact that I'm a great listener -- I studied psychology for seven years, it helps you learn HOW to listen, and how to help people with their problems -- I have a lot to give and some of it, granted, falls under the heading of "intangibles," but it's always there when it's needed....

I like the idea of two people, together, working together toward a goal, a purpose, a shared, mutual endeavor. I have an irrational attachment to the "You and me against the world" scenario, even though, in all likelihood, the world would probably win. They have all kinds of weapons.

I'm the type of guy that would hold my girlfriend's hand when we're walking around at the mall and not even be consciously aware I'm doing it. It's practically a reflex for me to do that sort of thing; an almost instinctive acknowledgment.

It's hard to describe the kind of person I'm looking for without falling into the prototypical string of adjectives that everybody in the world uses: caring, devoted, smart, funny, interesting, honest, dedicated; you know the drill -- although I see these qualities as desirable factors in a partner, not just boilerplate terminology stolen from 22 billion other people's profiles.

People who know me have a hard time believing I'm still single. But I'm not particularly outgoing (you've got a better chance of seeing a Yeti on any given day than you have of seeing me!) and I really don't have access to new people, the way I did back in my musical days.

Seems like it's hard to meet anyone unless you go to a bar. I don't drink, and I don't go to bars, and I really don't want alcohol in my life in any way, shape, or form whatsoever. So that option is out.

June 28, 2009 -- Thank you, Jemare, for pointing out my typo!

Wow, look at all the celebrities dying....it's weird. I feel guilty, because when I heard Michael died, my first thought was "Why couldn't it have been that annoying Billy Mays instead?" True story. Sorry, Billy. If they have commercials in Heaven, you'll be all right. Although I'm not sure they'll need Oxi-Clean. And those Hercules Hangers are just downright blasphemous.

June 3, 2009 --

ReBoot

The virus which is you;
The anti-virus
Remember, forget,
I used to know this --
You shut it all down
You start over
(Can't find the button)
Pull the plug if you have to
The screen fades away

Can you defrag a heart?
Can you rebuild the world?
Corrupt sector
Corrupt sector
Corrupt sector
Reformat the doormat
("Now it's on YouTube!")
Not enough memory
Ctrl + Alt + Delete

May 28, 2009 -- "Perfectly Frank" is done -- just doing some cleanup-type editing, waiting for Gem to get some cover sketches over. I decided not to go with my original cover idea -- it just didn't convey the "sense" of the book -- I'm thinking it should be along the lines of something more sci-fi -- have an idea but not sure how it will play out....

April 27, 2009 -- I got just about the nicest compliment a writer could get last week -- from DragonFlyTat, one of my favorite people here -- asking if she could use my first book in a Kurzweil Lab she runs for special needs students. They have a machine that reads the book to the kids -- she bought both of my books not long ago, finished the first one, and decided she'd like to use it for her class.

Talk about an honor -- !!

I never thought about stuff like that while I was writing it....I was just trying to create a decent story that didn't go running off into too many tangents....but when something I wrote can be used for such a great purpose -- makes it all seem worthwhile....

March 29, 2009 -- Did three chapters of "Perfectly Frank" yesterday. As usual, I kept on adding more stuff in that I didn't originally anticipate. Complicated is better, right? At least this way, maybe it will be harder to spot the plot holes! (Hopefully there won't be any glaring ones by the time I'm finished!)

Royalty checks are fun. Now, if they would only add a few more zeros on the end of the amount....

February 25, 2009 -- I love it when people get SO bent out of shape when they see someone posting here who has a different or original style -- it's like "OMG, there's a person who isn't doing the exact same thing 90 billion other people do! How can we possibly survive?"

Personally, I appreciate the originality. As a forum moderator, I am called upon to make sure that the posts in the forums are all within the rules, etc., but as long as you don't break any of the rules, I totally support originality -- bless you, everyone who eschews the "Hi" and "I'm bored" and "Why are all men pigs?" threads....

As for me, I'm looking for a girl who is non-mainstream -- a creative type, an intellectual, someone for whom "tradition" is a dirty word. Someone who is so herself that other people can't even assimilate it. Because that's the only kind of person who is going to be able to keep me interested.

A couple of my friends have recently pointed out that I seem to have an attraction to girls wearing vast quantities of eye makeup. I had never really noticed this before, but it turns out to be true, and I have no idea how or when this started. But if you are from ancient Egypt, drop me a line.

February 7, 2009 -- Did two chapters of "White Rainbow" today -- it's working pretty well so far. Trying to align all the characters just right, positionally speaking, so that when the whole thing blows apart, they'll all be in the right place.

Finally figured how to work in the stegosaurus. It was so OBVIOUS!

Being without a car totally sucks....

But after the accident on Monday, I'm not sure I really need to rush out and get into another one....

February 3, 2009 -- Yesterday was not one of my better days -- had a head-on collision with a bus, and my car is totaled. Spent half the day in the hospital being X-rayed and poked and prodded and all kinds of other things. My back hurts like hell, and so does my right wrist, and my vision is blurry but everything else is OK.

I have a big sheet full of prescriptions to take, and I have to go see some specialist doctor. Not my idea of a good time.

Actually, everybody is saying -- based on the condition of what's left of the car -- that I should have been killed, no way should I ever have walked away from that one. I don't know. Air bag, seat belt, dumb luck -- I'm still here.

I guess my next assignment is to try and figure out why.

January 29, 2009 -- Found this review of my first book, "Moving Day," on Amazon today:

"Five Stars --Funny Fantasy, December 31, 2008
Lex keeps you laughing from the moment the house disappears until you reach the final resolution. A zany cast of characters, along with crackling dialogue, make for a solid adventure in silliness."

I know who this person is, too....bless you, Nora!

January 19, 2009 -- Been doing some work on "White Rainbow," slated to be the 6th book in the series. It's taken me awhile to work out the storyline -- but I think I've got it about 80% figured out now. Larry and Teresa from "Moving Day" are in it -- nice to bring them back.....still NOT quite sure about the lead-in to the seventh (and final) book in the series....

December 25, 2008 -- I've noticed my profile has gotten a little tangential over the past few months. (I'm not even going to address the "length" issue -- we already know about that one!)

So, in the interests of clarity, I'm going to put some things right here on top that will relate to me and my purpose for being here (although that sounds a bit grandiose, I suppose).

OK -- I'm a writer with two books published in 2008. I play hockey. Writing and hockey are about the only things I actually do well, although I did study psychology for 7 years, so I have ended up being the counselor/adviser/helper to everyone I know. Which is almost always a good thing.

I'm divorced. Marriage was not a good experience for me. I don't plan on doing it again. I won't completely rule it out, but I think the odds of my ever getting married again are roughly equivalent to the odds that the laundromat down the street will suddenly turn into a giant banana. The laws of physics don't entirely rule it out, but almost.

I am an atheist, but not inextricably cemented to it. God, if you're reading this and you'd like to enlighten me, I'm OK with that. Come on over. Bring some ID. We'll have Pepsi and donuts.

I have no interest in politics whatsoever. I am an anarchist (which is not about bombs and chaos, as most people have been led to believe), so I cannot and will not support any system under which flawed and fallible human beings are given sanctioned authority over other flawed and fallible human beings.

I do not drink or use drugs. I went through my little "experimental stage" from 19-22, and I got it all out of my system. More to the point, I did some reading about the effects of drugs and alcohol on the human brain and body. What I read was, to put it mildly, unnerving. I stopped using that stuff.

In the intervening years, I have lost many people I loved -- lost them to their use of drugs and alcohol. I feel I made the right choice by removing those substances from my life -- and I will not get involved with anyone who uses them. That's a non-negotiable, that's a deal-breaker.

I never had kids -- a deliberate decision on my part, after having dated older women with children when I was much younger. I found I simply had no interest in, nor aptitude for, being a parent. This may relate to my own upbringing -- I suppose it has to, on some level. But I will never be a parent, and I have no interest in dating one.

I have been in many relationships in my life -- almost all of them short-term (3 months or less) because a.) I have a very short attention span, and b.) I have historically gotten involved with women who, while initially attractive, had very little substance. This is my own fault -- when I was younger, and heavily involved in music, I tended to pick women who were "around" -- the ones I had regular access to, the ones who were more interested in "what I did" than in "who I was."

There came a time when I got tired of that, and I decided to look for someone better. That led me to an evaluation of what it is I truly want and need in a partner.

And, as it turned out, there has only been one person in my entire life who met that standard.

Mathematically, I have to believe there must be at least one other one out there! (Although this isn't really based on anything other than wishful thinking, to be honest.)

And, as a practical point, I don't think I will find "the one" on a dating site. As I noted in an earlier entry (you'll see it below), dating sites are full of people whose primary concerns in life are alcohol and babies -- two things I have rigorously excluded from my life. For whatever reasons, women who don't drink and who don't have kids are simply non-existent on dating sites.

But I have made some great friends here (better friends than I have made in real life -- sad but true), and I like the fact that I can interact with them here, in the forums and through e-mail, on a regular basis.

I am also a forum moderator here, which gives me the opportunity to work with a great bunch of people, both admin and fellow mods, as well as to get some first-hand, inside knowledge about the way these things work "behind the scenes." The past year of moderating here has been a great experience, and I learn something new every day.

My policy on e-mail is simple -- I will write everybody back, provided they're not a spammer or a scammer. I will not write anyone first (unless it's a moderation issue) -- my experiences sending out first e-mails here were pretty bleak (no one EVER answered; of course, I was "new" and didn't have the "reputation" here then that I have now, but I'm still not writing anybody first), so if you want to talk to me, you have to initiate it.

I'm looking for someone who would be interested in the sort of relationship where we get to know each other, over time, and see how things progress. I'm not looking to jump into anything.

But it's very important that it be someone with intelligence (I have dated way too many cute fluffball airheads in my life -- and they get boring VERY quickly) -- and it helps if she has some creative impulses. That could be drawing, painting, photography, writing, music, whatever.

A sense of humor is important, too, as is the ability to communicate. An ability to appreciate (and to see through) cynicism and sarcasm would also go a long way.

And, of course, the whole "no drugs, no alcohol, no kids" thing.

I really don't want to waste my time (and anyone else's) on someone's attempts to "domesticate" me. I am not a goat. I will never want to "settle down," in the way it's usually understood. Be with one person, yes. "Settle down," no.

I do not expect to find anyone like that here. However, I accept the possibility that I could be wrong -- there might be someone here who could be totally compatible. If there is, she is probably a lurker, maybe someone new -- but I have yet to see anyone in the forums who is even remotely compatible.

At this point, I am trying to establish new connections in real life, and trying to research other dating sites to see if there are any which are less alcocentric and less babycentric. I have not had much success with this yet.

If you are the type of person who appreciates intelligence and creativity, who knows how to communicate, who understands the difference between "your" and "you're," who knows that apostrophes are for contractions and possessives, who isn't appalled by the idea of a life "outside-the-box" -- well, then, you probably shouldn't be on a dating site.

But since you are, maybe you should read the rest of this profile and tell me what you think.

December 23, 2008 -- Going through the forums this early afternoon, and it suddenly struck me -- noticing that a thread can start, it can be about anything -- let's say, "Why are there no good men left?" (which is a pretty common theme around here) -- and, inevitably, someone will turn it into a thread about alcohol.

It's like the only two things anyone cares about here are getting drunk and getting pregnant -- or dealing with the aftermath(s) of one or the other or both.

Bleak terrain for a non-drinker, non-breeder.

December 19, 2008 -- Disclaimer: Don't read this profile unless you have about 16 hours to kill. It's LONG. Keep in mind I am a published author, and writing is like anything else, you have to practice or you LOSE your skills....so I use this here profile thingie to practice on. In the meantime, take a little trip over to Amazon or Target's website and buy some books! (Shameless promotion alert.)

December 17, 2008 -- The smell of a dozen rats permeates the seedy little Serbian diner next door. There is noise -- not loud noise, but noise nonetheless -- the clanking of silverware, the muffled laughter of incomprehensible dialects straining to fit into a society they never imagined.

Sometimes the door opens and a man, dressed in gray, or a woman, dressed in some sort of floral pattern that my grandmother might have used on a couch in one of her more delusional moments, steps out the door and inhales heavily. Too much smoke inside, I'm guessing.

Lou, the owner of the place, steps outside and looks at the snow on the ground, in the parking lot, on the cars and in the trees. He shakes his head. I wonder if it was like this in his homeland. I have no idea where his homeland is/was. Might have been New Jersey. But he has an accent, a sort of un-pin-downable Mediterranean thing that never drifts off into indecipherability.

I've got things to do.

**********

December 7, 2008 -- Gem informs me that my books are also now on AbeBooks.com and Alabris.com. I never heard of those! Smiless mentioned that he knows of them, though, in a forum post. Borders can't be far behind, right?

December 5, 2008 -- Just found out my books have shown up on a site called Bookrenter.com. This is a new one for me! It's good, though -- any kind of publicity, any kind of distribution, any new outlets, that can only help....one day, some literary-type girl with glasses will notice me here! (maybe?)

November 21, 2008 -- OK, so now both of my books are on the Target website, a bookselling site in the UK, and Whisper tells me that they are ALSO orderable from three bookstores in Canada but I can't find anything to confirm that. Maybe I'm looking in the wrong place. Canada is pretty big. I'll have to get some clarification.

As a Big Time Author©, I am supposed to be informed of this stuff by my staff. Now if only I had a staff.

November 18, 2008 -- Go away. Get out of my yard. And if that ball gets thrown over here again, I'm keeping it. And I'll sell it to the damn Amish Mafia or something.

November 13, 2008 -- Zounds! My new book is on the Target website! How did this happen?

You know you've made it when a faceless corporate conglomerate loves you enough to sell something you created. Hey, I love Target....!!

November 9, 2008 -- I gave the OK on the "Moving Parts" proof, so it should be listed on Amazon any day now.

Interesting oddity -- last week, I found a British bookselling website which had my first book on sale for $46.21. Went back and checked today and now it's over $48.00. Fluctuation in the exchange rate, I guess.

For clarity's sake, and because several people have asked, yes, I am a forum moderator here. See the thread "Meet the Moderators" at http://mingle2.com/topic/show/57955 for more information.

November 7, 2008 -- Got the proof copy of "Moving Parts" today and it's absolutely gorgeous. Gem did such a wonderful job on the cover -- the colors, the contrast. you can even see the thumbprint on the rock -- I was concerned that it might not show up, but there it is!

I have to give it a quick skim and then give the OK to list it on Amazon.

November 5, 2008 -- The election is over, the young black guy won, the old white guy lost, and can we all just get back to being screwed and manipulated by our "leaders" the way we're supposed to? Thank you.

I'm an author; published my first book in April, and my second one will be out within the next couple weeks. I've got a total of seven planned for this series.

I've been on this site almost two years now. That's a long time for me; I rarely stick with a site -- or a girlfriend -- more than three months. But this one -- ah, this one is different.

Of course, it's much easier to find a compatible site than a compatible girlfriend. Because sites don't spend their lives drinking and popping out offspring. As far as I know.

But make no mistake about it, I AM looking for someone special here. Why? I don't know. Law of averages, maybe. After reading 70,000,000 totally vapid profiles, profiles that would put world-class insomniacs to sleep in 30 seconds, I almost have to believe that someday someone with an actual functioning brain and heart and lymphatic system, etc., will show up on this site, someone who isn't 897,000 miles away from me.

That may be unrealistic but so is everything else in my life. Does it matter? No, not really.

I'm looking for someone fun and smart and creative and interesting and able to speak and write in complete sentences. There will be a test on apostrophes too. So if you're one of those people who writes things like "I saw two dog's chewing on bone's in the back yard by the tree's," STOP NOW!! Exit this profile calmly and do not push or shove.

There are lots of profiles of guys with pickup trucks and missing child support payments and Lynyrd Skynyrd playing on their 8-tracks, and I think you might like them. I'm pretty sure they would like you, too. If you have beer money.

October 27, 2008 -- I sent Gem three pics today -- pics I had taken yesterday, didn't like any of them -- but she selected one of them and did her magic to it, and then sent me the completed (finally!) cover to "Moving Parts." I like it. Wish I had taken a better pic, though. I never like my pics; I always look like some mobster in the back of a crowd scene in a bad 70s movie.

Gem assures me the pic is fine, said I look "pensive" (I'm not even sure how to look pensive -- is that like indigestion or what?), and I suppose if I try hard enough, I can almost see the pic as being "author-like" or something. Does this look like a guy who could write a book? Eh, I suppose. Authors pictures on book covers never look great, though, do they? It's like the literary equivalent of the driver's license pic.

Now I need to get back to work on "Perfectly Frank" and "True Colors," a short story I'm writing for the fifth book.

Hey, I just noticed that when I added a couple new paragraphs, some of the bottom of my profile got cut off. So there really IS a limit to how long this thing can be....!! Bummer.

October 23, 2008 -- Bonny brought back the "Lex Fonteyne Mutual Appreciation Society" thread, and it's up to 21 pages and over 400 posts now -- of course, half of the posts are from me, but still....!

It's kind of weird, having all of these people, many of whom I feel I actually know quite well after all this time, saying all this nice stuff about me. If I wasn't an atheist, I would feel like a phony televangelist up on stage, saying "Can you feel the LOVE?" and then asking people to put all their worldly belongings in the collection plate or go to hell.

But I'm not going to do that. Not yet, anyway.

But what REALLY strikes me as odd, is this whole idea that I still can't get a date here. Everybody loves me, and I can't get a date. Oh, the ironing. (Yes, I used that in the forums, and yes, I stole it from Bart Simpson, but I still think it's funny).

"Moving Parts" is done EXCEPT that Gem wants a pic of me for the back cover and I just can't find one I like. She's going to convert it to black & white anyway, but I still can't find one I like. I'm going to try to get a decent one on Saturday, if possible.

And Bonny said I can use her "Lex Fonteyne Mutual Appreciation Society" badge for the back of the third one! Works for me. Who else gets their own thread and their own badge and 400 posts in their own thread, some of which are not actually made by themselves?

Of course, most of THOSE people can actually get dates here. So there is a bit of a trade-off.

September 30, 2008 -- Random thought: Dating sites -- not just this one, but every one I've tried -- are geared towards certain groups of people. It occurs to me that maybe people don't THINK about using dating sites until after they have already been through some failed relationships -- leaving them with X number of kids and a severe addiction to alcohol/drugs....?

"Dating sites" as the "last resort"....?

I don't know.

But the problem is, it shouldn't have to be that way. Sure, there's a sort of a stigma to these sites -- the anonymity leads to lies and deceptions and some truly horrible experiences (like my "Arsonist's Tale") because people feel safer about lying over a computer than they do in person. SOP.

So, it looks to me like people finally get around to using dating sites when the local real-life "dating pool" has dried up -- whatever that means in any particular case.

Which really doesn't help those of us who are looking for someone with no kids and no alcohol/drug addiction -- or am I the only one here?

I guess what I'm trying to say is: Are there any exceptions out there? Anyone who isn't inextricably linked to the idea of popping out new cogs for the machine for the rest of their lives? Anyone whose concept of creativity isn't procreativity?

You want to impress me with creativity? -- write a song, paint a picture, write a story, take a photo. Popping out a baby isn't going to do it -- I've seen tree shrews do that.

Show me you have something more to offer me than a tree shrew does....but I really doubt if there are any truly creative types here, people who don't define themselves as an adjunct to another person....and that's sad. But that's my reality.

September 19, 2008 -- Finished the proofing of "Moving Parts," just waiting for the cover now. I need some text for the back cover, but I can whip something up in a few minutes, so that's no biggie. Thinking maybe I'll put my picture on the back of this one. I didn't put a pic on the first one, and I really don't even know why.

Lately, all kinds of people have been looking at this profile for some reason; almost all of them are people who I have never seen in the forums. Oh well. They never write, anyway, so they're easy to ignore.

Been getting tons of e-mail but mostly from people I have been talking to for awhile. I keep having this hope that someone new and local will sign up, see my blatherings in the forums, and will contact me. I know it'll never happen, but wouldn't it be nice....?

July 24, 2008 -- Why is it that all of these new people have been looking at my profile while I've been "away"? What's up with THAT? They still never send a message though. Is it THAT scary? Is it too much to read? (Yes, I already know the answer to that one!) Should I write "I don't know what to write here"? Would you guys be more comfortable with that? Is it easier to write to someone who doesn't know what to write here, or is it just that YOU YOURSELF don't know what to write here, or anywhere, for that matter....?

I love tangents. Can you tell?

May 23, 2008 -- Woke up this morning, and the first thing I looked at was the metal grasshopper Gem gave me when she came over on Monday.

Creativity is a virtue....she's brilliant. Her birthday is tomorrow but I already gave her the presents....I'll have to come up with something else....!

May 16, 2008 -- I have finally realized that dating sites are simply not the "answer" for someone like me. Some of my friends here -- Eileen and Fineporcelain, to name two -- have made it work. And that's a good thing. They're good people and they deserve to be happy.

But I guess I'm just a little (?) harder to match, and the kind of person I'm looking for isn't here.

Meeting people in real life isn't exactly easy for me, but it's easier than trying to meet someone here, where all of the "good ones" are so far away that there's really no viable chance of ever seeing them in person at all. I've met a few new people in the last month and the level of communication and interaction is just so much better than anything I've been able to achieve here.

And I'm wondering if there's a sort of complacency that sets in, on dating sites; something like a subliminal "it doesn't matter, none of these people are real" mindset that so many seem to have, not just here, but on dating sites in general. There's an aspect of unreality to it, I think, for a lot of people. I have always tried to keep in mind that there's a living, breathing human being on the other end, but I'm guilty of finding it far too easy to "withdraw" back into the safety of internet-anonymity when someone comes across as being crazy or scary or stalkerish.

I've been told I'm too picky, but that's more of a function of knowing what works for me and what doesn't. Most situations don't, because I don't like the idea of being forced into a lifestyle that doesn't fit me -- which is what most people have wanted to do. I don't "domesticate" well.

There isn't anybody on this site, so far, who matches up well with me at all -- not anyone I'm aware of, at least.

So, I'm trying some other things.....

April 15, 2008: Posted the angsty "Check-Out Girl" in the poetry section today, had some nice feedback. Not bad for a 5-minute project. I don't have any reason to believe Lyndsey is on this site....so it's not like she'll ever see it....LAMom gave me some great feedback on the book -- it's nice to have input (especially positive) from someone I truly respect and admire....!!

April 12, 2008: The book got listed on Amazon sooner than I thought, and is moving a little bit. Gem is researching book-review publications and magazines that may print excerpts. She is a writer's dream, knows more about marketing and publicity than I could ever sleep through, which frees me up to do the actual writing part.

April 3, 2008: One of the nice things about writing a book....is that this may be the only time in your life when things turn out exactly as you wanted them to....wish-fulfillment as literature. Art imitates the life you wish you could have....

Got the proof copy of Moving Day today, and it's perfect. Glad I was talked into going with the cream pages instead of the white. It's easier on the eyes, and makes for a nice contrast against the pure white of the cover. There was some concern that the drawings might be a little blurry because they were scanned at 150 dpi and the publisher prefers 300, but it worked out fine. It will be on Amazon within 15 days....

Just noticed the 14,947th "Does Age Matter?" thread. Right after the 21,094th "I'm Bored" thread and the 55,838th "Hi" thread. Granted, there are new people signing up here all the time, and every thread is someone's first. But for those of us who have been here awhile....well, the sheer repetition is getting tiresome. If not for Peccy and a few others, I'm wondering if we would ever have any original material. I've pretty much given up on starting threads of my own because there are a few who insist on turning them into drunk talk. I could do a thread about llamas in World War II, and they would somehow hijack it into being about alcohol. But then, there are so many drunks here anyway.

I actually did a search to see if there were any non-drinking dating sites, and didn't find any. Maybe there's a perception that you have to BE drunk to be on a dating site. That's certainly not true in my case, but I would say it holds up pretty well as a general rule here.

Then I did a search to see if there were any "no kids" dating sites, and I did find one, but those people are all ubermaterialistic. Their boats ARE their kids. It's really no different, just that the pictures in the wallet are of things instead of people.

March 21, 2008 -- I've noticed a lot of postings about "How can I find someone?" and "Where do you look?" in the forums lately. This is a topic of particular interest to me, because I have no (real) answers, and I wish I did.

The standard cliches sound good until you really look at them. One of the most common ones is "at the grocery store." I'm in a grocery store about 3 or 4 times a week, and I can tell you that there are no "dating prospects" there. At least not in the grocery stores in this area. The women I see there are either 85, or they're a little younger but have six whining and screaming kids piled into the shopping cart. No thank you. This is not my idea of a "viable dating prospect." I would rather be stung repeatedly by an angry jellyfish.

In a small town, there just aren't that many people around in the first place; so once you've eliminated all the non-prospects, you don't have a heck of a lot left to work with, you don't know where they are, and you don't know how to find them. Makes for a difficult resolution.

I used to think that internet dating sites would be the perfect solution for people like myself who have no real way to meet people though the more "normal" methods. I actually believed that for a day or two, back in November of 1997. Oooooops! Wrongo! Well, nobody's perfect.

I'm still trying to figure out why dating sites don't work for me. Everybody tells me I'm a pretty good communicator, I do well with the written word, blah blah blah -- people seem to like my writing, they tell me it's funny and informal and lots of people seem to like to read this profile over and over, and that's fine. I used to think that there must be women who would appreciate a guy with good communications skills, but maybe I was wrong about that, too.

In real life -- back in the days when I had single friends with single friends, and it was easy for me to meet a new girl just by telling Annette I was ready to meet a new girl -- one thing I heard, over and over, from girls was "You're the first guy who ever really listened to me." And I did; I like learning about people, I like getting to know about their lives, their histories, their goals and hopes and dreams and fears and families and their interests and disinterests and beliefs and disbeliefs....that whole process, that learning process, that "getting to know you," I love that stuff but there's almost always (except with Gem) a point where they run out of things to talk about, and then I get bored.

That's why I used to have so many 3-month relationships. And that was OK because I wasn't looking for anything permanent back then. It was fun, it was learning. It was figuring out that knowing what I didn't want was as important as knowing what I did want. Then I got married and the whole thing collapsed for a few years but I got it all back afterwards. For awhile.

And the people around me changed and grew up and got married and had 2.4 kids, or else they moved away and disappeared. No more "single friends with single friends." I lost my "connections" and never found any decent new ones.

I moved around, during and after the divorce, met a few people from dating sites in 2006 (all very, very bad situations), got back together with Gem for awhile, there was a meltdown, we're still talking, she's done some truly amazing work on my book. I still have feelings for her, the kind of feelings I've never had for anyone else and can't imagine having for anyone else, although -- to be honest -- sometimes I wish I could, I wish I could feel this way about someone who would be more stable and more consistent with me.

But I just can't find anyone else who holds my interest at all. Gem and I have this weird intellectual compatibility, this creative confluence -- whereas most of the people I've met from dating sites were 100% deceptive and (in the end) shallow enough to have MySpace accounts -- Gem is smart and funny and constantly creating something. We have some problem issues but she tells me she loves me and that her "worst torture" is being away from me. I still figure that could be fixed IF she wanted to fix it, but....

It's certainly true that I'm more "selective" now than I used to be. That's just the result of finding out what works and what doesn't, even if only short-term. People say that my standards get in the way of being able to meet people -- but I figure that's what they're FOR -- to keep the wrong people out of the picture. I DON'T want a drinker or a drug user or someone with kids. Sorry, been there, done that, it doesn't work.

I've had people tell me that they think I "intimidate" through my writing. I can't understand how anyone could feel that way. I'm just writing about my life and things on my mind. If that intimidates you, we probably wouldn't get along anyway. If you're more comfortable with someone who has the writing skills of a kindergartener (which, realistically, is about 85% of the people on this, or any, dating site), you're not for me. I've already been married to a brain-dead fluffball, and I'd prefer not to relive that error.

My friends tell me it's time to move on and meet someone new. When I try to be objective about it (which isn't easy), I can see some wisdom in that advice. BUT -- I have to ask myself if it will ever be possible to meet another person with her level of compatibility, her intelligence, her sheer and simple "fit" with me. And I don't see how that could happen. How many people on dating sites do you find, who have IQ scores off the chart, who don't drink, and who have absolutely no interest in having kids? She's the only one I've ever found, thus far, and I have been on a hell of a lot of dating sites.

And what makes the point moot is that there's no realistic way for me to meet anybody here ("here" in both the geographic and on line senses) anyway. Unless Annette comes back, or I can find a new Annette, I'm pretty much stuck. Like Kerry Wood says, between arm surgeries, "It is what it is."

"It is what it is." I just have to find a way to work with what it is.

February 22, 2008 -- I wanted to see if I could make a fake typical profile, like most of the ones I see on the Mutual Matches -- here it is:

"I don't know what to write here. I'm a fun person who likes to have fun. I'm easy-going and laid-back, and I love my friends. I like to go out or stay in.* I would like to meet someone who doesn't play games and who is looking for something meaningful. Anything else you want to know, you'll have to ask."

(* Special thanks to Aaronzdad for reminding me that the true epitome of bad profiles must contain "I like to go out or stay in." He is absolutely correct, and I'm ashamed for not having incuded it in the first place.)

Jeez, I feel like my IQ went down 35 points just writing that drivel. And people actually write that stuff and think it will get someone's attention! Who's dumber, the ones who write this crap, or the ones who answer? You make the call.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled (and hopefully more thought-provoking) profiile.....

January 19, 2008 --

The Adventures of the Talking Atheist Bear: (this is a rough draft, but I wanted to get the basics down before I lost the whole idea!)

One day, the Talking Atheist Bear was trundling through the woods near Godless Falls, North Dakota, when he happened to notice a bright light off in the distance. Curious, he set off in the direction of the unusual sight, and soon came upon a young man caught in a bear trap. The young man was waving a bright metal pole back and forth, in an apparent attempt to attract attention to his plight; it had been the pole which had reflected the sunlight and created the gleam seen a bit earlier by the Talking Atheist Bear.

The man noticed the bear and was terrified. "Please don't kill me!" the man screamed, not expecting this to accomplish much. The bear looked at him quizzically and said, "Do you think just because I'm an atheist, I have no values or morals? Do you believe I would kill you, for no reason other than sheer bloodlust? What kind of a bear do you take me for?"

The man stood, mouth agape. "You can talk! You're a bear, but you can talk!"

"Well, yes," the bear replied, "I think that's self-evident. How is it that you ended up in a bear trap? Seems a tad bit ironic, to tell you the truth."

The man looked down at his injured foot. "I was hunting squirrels, and I wasn't really paying attention to where I was walking. And..." He pointed downward. "And then this."

The Talking Atheist Bear said, "I'd be glad to pull the trap open for you. You'll need to go see a doctor though, there's obviously been a lot of bleeding and there could be some tissue and bone damage."

The young man seemed a bit reluctant to accept this generous offer, but then reassessed his options. It was difficult to imagine anything good happening in his life until and unless the bear trap could be removed.

"Well, OK," he said. "I'd appreciate it."

The bear approached, and, with his big bear paws, levered the trap open and gently removed the bloody foot from between the jaws. "There you go," he said. "And I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't hunt squirrels around here anymore. A lot of animals live in this forest and we like to keep it peaceful."

Then something occurred to the bear. "Wait a minute, if you were hunting squirrels, you must have had a gun."

The young man nodded sheepishly. "I did. I was holding it when I stepped in --" he looked at the trap, open once again -- "in this thing, and I screamed and threw the gun over there someplace." He pointed in the general direction of a mass of huge, old dark trees clumped together as if in a clandestine conference. "I guess I'll never find it over there, though, it looks a little dark, even at this time of day."

The bear shook his head. "I t would be better for both of us if you didn't waste time looking. You need medical attention, and right away. You don't want that foot to get infected. Can you walk?"

The man took a few steps. "It hurts, but I can manage."

"Well, I'll walk with you to the edge of the woods, to make sure you're all right," the bear offered.

"Thank you," said the man. "My car is just past the river over there" -- pointing to the north -- "and I'll go right to the emergency room."

They walked together silently -- and slowly, because the man had a bit of a limp and was leaning on his metal pole -- for a few minutes, and then the young man said, "Did I hear you say something about being an atheist back there?"

The bear laughed. "Yes, it's true. You see, a bear needs no God. Everything I need is right here. My food, my home, my sky, my water, my friends. It's all real, all in front of me. I can see it, taste it, hear it, smell it, feel it. I need no illusions, no superstitions, no fictional characters to fall back on. All I need is what is here, what I was born into. I appreciate it, I love it, but I see no need to attribute it to a higher power. Because I see no evidence of a higher power."

They reached the clearing at the edge of the forest. The river loomed ahead.

"But how is it that you can talk?" the man asked.

"How is it that YOU can talk?" the bear replied. "It doesn't need to be a miracle. Sometimes a talking bear is just a talking bear."

The man shrugged. "I never thought about it like that before."

The bear said, "Think about it some more. Think about your place in this unverse. Maybe it will help." The bear turned and began to walk back into the woods.

The man said, "Wait!" with a tremor in his voice.

The bear turned around. "Yes?"

"I just wanted to say that, if I ever come back here, I won't bring a gun. I won't hunt here anymore."

The bear nodded. "Then we've both accomplished a great deal today."

And he walked back into the woods while the young man gazed after him in wonderment.