1> There are no words that I can think of that expess the feelings I have inside.
2> I have not found that means of expression yet.

Seriously, what part of me exists that hasn't been said before? What words can I use to relate the varied experiences that I realize? What words could I conjure to allow you to experience what I perceive?

It has all been said better before. I could relate my own take on life, which has already been related with finer detail than I can muster.
Whats the point? Is it gunna make you want to be close to me? What is the payoff? I am me. I can't change that and I really don't think I should. You will either love me for the person I am or not. But, I assure you, I am lovable.
You either accept me as I am or you don't. I am me and I can only be me. Perhaps someday I will be able to express myself as you see fit but I doubt it.
I have many 'feelings' but my feelings have already been related to the world in rhyme or song so whats the point of repeating whats already been said?

Imagine, living in constant pain. Day after day. Nobody knows, nobody cares. Every single morning you wake to pain because you can no longer sleep thru it. Every day is more of the same. Another day of pain and no change to take your mind from it.
Then you find a bit of distraction from an online site. A bit of something that takes your mind off that constant incessant pain. The pain is still there but the focus is now on something else.

When you shut down for the night you are back to the pain. The drugs help but there is that ever persistent knowledge that it is an unending battle that can only end one way. You welcome that end but it doesn't come. Every morning, you wake to the pain and know, its another day.

Top all this off with the knowledge that death is a release. You have been there before. you want to go back but you just can't push it there. Day after day, alone, in pain only the pathetic acquaintances of random personalities you gain from correspondence thru a tcp/ip connection.

There is no future, no silver lining. Its only more of the same, forever. How does one put that into a gracious wording that may inspire others? What words cold I use to express my utter disappointment in life? How do I express the words that relate my horror of the reality that I face daily?

So I sit here, pathetically reading the forums searching for that one connection that I will not find. Too much pain to try to go into that empty bedroom and hug that cold pillow.
I could wonder why, I could go to a bar and find a temporary distraction, why don't I?
Maybe its because I realize that the temporary is always temporary. That I want something that has meaning. That I shouldn't have to just settle for less. That I am worth the wait. But, waiting for what? More of the same?
Still, what gives me reason for keeping on is that one chance in hell that she might be just beyond the next moment. One Chance.
Where are you? Why haven't you found me yet? Have I done something wrong? I am much more than I relate publicly. Its called personal for a reason.

Tom -

I can relate to how you feel. Only a few years ago, my life seemed to be on the up and up. Then it came crashing down again. It wasn't just the manifestation of anxiety. There were many factors: two parents dying of cancer, an extended bout with depression, squashed dreams which destroyed 6 years of work, a long distance relationship that seemed like it would never be anything but...etc. I went through all of my money, entered a period where I had difficulty sustaining employment, began drinking much more than I used to, and eventually became homeless for 2 years.

Everyone was full of advice, but all they did was talk at me without actually listening. I kept trying to tell them that my life had to take a new direction. Finding a direction wasn't the problem. Making progress in that direction was the true obstacle. It wasn't that I didn't know how. I simply did not have the resources to make it happen. The 'help' I needed was finding access to those resources. If I didn't begin moving in a new direction, I would never break the previous cycle. That's part of what they didn't comprehend. To make progress, I had to cut ties with the past. That meant breaking the cycle so I could move onto something new and better.

My life is a little better now, but I still feel very limited in what I can do. That's because those resources still aren't there. But progress has been made in other areas.

I still struggle with a few things from time to time. For instance, my sleep/wake schedule constantly changes, just as I'm sure yours does. There are things I can't do and places I can't go. It makes me feel trapped at times. The rate of rejection I've experienced with the job hunt has been higher than I've ever experienced before. I used to be able to always find a job within 2 weeks. But now I have to be more selective because of my anxiety. That means I cannot do the jobs I used to do. So there are some hefty negatives I still deal with. At the same time, I know what I have to do -- return to college, finish my degree, and create my own opportunity through education and networking.

That was my goal 2 years ago. It was delayed first because of mix-ups from other people, and then secondly because my situation was changing. I needed to hold off another year to allow things to settle down. Then I could adjust to the new circumstances. This Fall I will be resubmitting those college applications because I now have the time and resources to collect in advance all the items that slipped through the cracks previously.

Despite all that has happened, I know that as long as I return to college, I still have 20 years of work in me. I also know that I can have still have a comfortable retirement after those 20 years.

But...

There's one thing missing. Or rather, one person missing. A lot would be easier if I had that one person I could open up to. The person who would help keep me balanced when the world is upside-down. That's part of the power of love. When we meet the right match, that person brings a bit of stability into our lives. No matter how tiny it is, it provides just enough inner peace to keep us pushing through the obstacles before us.

That's what I'm missing.

It sounds like that's what you're missing too. Am I right?

Some words for the fallen :

They ask us why we do it,
Why we still parade,
Now we are getting older and just a little frayed,
It's not for the sake of glory or the medals on our chest,
It's simply that we were comrades who stood the final test,
on those fateful days, days we'll never forget,
Many laid down his life and paid the final debt,
So when you see a veteran give the man your hand,
For the medals on his chest were won in foreign lands,
And when god asks the question, who are you my man,
I will proudly answer, sir, I'm a veteran!

Thanx Mikey nice poem.


When I think about it I don't really choose the word "missing".

"Missing" implies something that 'was' but no longer 'is'.
It implies a search to replace or renew.

For me, "Empty" is a better word but still not quite effective. An emptiness causes a need to be filled because there is a void where it used to be.

For someone that has been truly loved but not anymore, a void where that love was is now there instead.

I have never been truly loved. There is no void to fill, nothing to miss.
I want to experience it because I have given love truly all my life.
I seem to be 'unloveable'. Is love one-way?

I am surrounded by superficial love but have yet to experience the real thing from someone else.
Imagine that you never tasted chocolate. You see many people enjoy it and it is very popular and in high demand. You can want to taste chocolate but until you do, you can't miss it or feel hungry for it. You have no established reference. I give away my chocolate having never tasted it myself. It gives people pleasure and I get pleasure from that. Others tease me with theirs but never actually let me taste it.
Aw, hell, that probably doesn't make any sense...

Lets see...
My life is already balanced. I am not in emotional turmoil over it. I don't need someone for anything. I desire someone I can share me with and her share her with me. Someone that thinks I am just as special to her as she is to me. I would just like to experience love before I die, that's all.

That is a real shame. I'm going to miss that thread.

My ex-gf created it in order to get my attention. It's what brought us together. Before its creation, I had no idea she was interested in me.

LOL, Why would I care if you feel sorry for me or not?
I'm curious why you are chasing me around the forums?
You're the wrong gender for me.