Did you hear about what happened to the guy who fell in the appolstry machine????


He recovered

why are people on tv yet in the movies?
If a deaf person goes to court is it still called a hearing?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=me0FNu0m1ow
TOO FUNNY!

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder: 1. The DNA all matches. 2. There are no dental records.

Too funny! We have been quite "busy"!!!! I will definitely get a picture up of the two of us. I honestly didn't really even think about it!

Yeah Professional bullrider meets ex Texas Beauty pageant queen! How ironic!!!!!!1

you are all invited to the wedding!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have met the man of my dreams here on Mingle. Joshuaprice. We met here and started chatting and before long, decided to meet. It was mutual...we looked into each other's eyes for the first time and were hopelessly in love. From that evening on, we became inseparable.

Our friends say that we are the perfect couple and that we basically make them sick with our "can't keep our hands off each other, mushy lovey-dovey doe eyes at each other". I can't help it! He is the man that I just can't stop kissing!

So, now we have moved in together and are planning our future and lives together til death do us part.

I am here to testify that there are real and genuine people here that are just looking for that perfect person to love and cherish. If this can happen for me then ther are more real connections here.

Thank you Mingle!

Gin (Chilipepper)

Good one!!!!!!!

thank you! no jokes?

thank you!

It is my Birthday today! Tell me some short jokes and make me smile!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why do women have 2 sets of lips?

So they can ***** and moan at the same time

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I
told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well,
the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in
the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed
three times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed
another nine times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with
such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict
with him. : totals 12 cuckoos--MIDNIGHT !)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told
him 'MIDNIGHT.' He didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got
away with that one!
Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.' When I asked him
why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then
said, 'oh, ****.' Cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed
another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over
the coffee table and farted.

Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you
sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or
pharmacist about Margaritas.

Margaritas are the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident
about yourself and your actions.

Margaritas can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the
world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Margaritas almost immediately and with a
regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent
you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will
discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and
start living, with Margaritas.


Margaritas may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or
nursing should not use Margaritas. However, women who wouldn't mind
nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include:
- Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration
- Erotic lustfulness
- Loss of motor control
- Loss of clothing
- Loss of money
- Loss of virginity
- Attraction to the same sex
- Table dancing
- Headache
- Dehydration
- Dry mouth
- And a desire to sing Karaoke

WARNING:
The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you are whispering
when you are not.

WARNING:
The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to tell your friends over
and over again that you love them.

WARNING:
The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING:
The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you can logically
converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QVlLz2kDNkM
take a look

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our jobs. After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.


P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.





P: Something loose in cockpit

S: Something tightened in cockpit

*

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

*

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

*

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

*

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

*

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what friction locks are for.

*

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

*

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

*

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search

*

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

*

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

*

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

*
And the best one for last
*

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.

Prior to her trip to Texas , Buffy

(a New Yorker),
confided to her co-workers she had three goals
for her trip to the Lone Star State ...

1. She wanted to taste some real Texas

Bar-B-Que.

2. She wanted to take in a bona fide rodeo.

And...

3. She wanted to have sex with

a real cowboy.

Upon returning, the girls were curious as to how she fared.

'Let me tell you,they have a tree down there called a Mesquite and when they slow cook that brisket over that Mesquite , it's ooooh so good. The taste is unbelievable!'


'And I went to a real rodeo. Talk about athletes. those guys wrestle full grown bulls! They ride horses at a full gallop, then jump off the horses and grab the bull by the horns and throw them to the ground! It is just incredible!'

They then asked,
'Well tell us, did you have sex with a real cowboy?'

'Are you kidding? When I saw the outline of the condom they carry in the back pocket of their jeans, I changed my mind!'

WHAT PETS WRITE IN THEIR DIARIES.....


Excerpts from a Dog's Diary......


8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!


Excerpts from a Cat 's Daily Diary...


Day 983 of my captivity...

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in

Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman

walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car

and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small

talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently,

looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little

detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

'What in bag?' asked the old woman .

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle

of wine. I got it for my husband.'

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.

Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

'Good trade.....