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| Topic: Blonde thread to End ALL blonde threads | |
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Edited by
uk1971
on
Mon 02/11/13 12:49 PM
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Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car? A: She burned her lips on the tailpipe. Q: Why are blondes like cornflakes ? A: Because they're simple, easy and they taste good. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? A: Because she got an F in sex. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's a blondes favorite nursery rhyme? A: Humpme Dumpme. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why are there lipstick stains on the steering wheel after a blonde drives a car? A: Because she blows the horn. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob? A: Because everybody gets a turn. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why is a blonde like railroad tracks? A: Because she's been laid all over the country. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Did you hear about the blonde lesbian? A: She kept having affairs with men. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10? A: She picks up her purse and goes home. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: To a blonde, what is long and hard? A: Grade 4. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What is the definition of the perfect woman? A: A deaf and dumb blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a pub. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why is a blonde like an old washing machine? A: They both drip when they're ****ed. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How would a blonde punctuate the following?: "Fun fun fun worry worry worry" A: Fun period fun period fun NO PERIOD worry worry worry. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's a blonde's idea of safe sex? A: Locking the car door. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why did the blonde keep failing her driver's test? A: Because every time the door opened, she jumped into the back seat. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car? A: She burned her lips on the tailpipe. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How does a blonde interpret 6.9? A: A 69 interrupted by a period. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between a blonde having her period and a terrorist? A: You can negotiate with a terrorist. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why do blondes have periods? A: They deserve them. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why did the blonde smile when she walked the marriage aisle? A: She realized she gave her last blowjob. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What did the blonde do when she got her period? A: Looked around for the bastard that must have shot her. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why did they call the blonde "twinkie"? A: She liked to be filled with cream. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between a blonde track team and a tribe of sly pygmies? A: One's a bunch a cunning runts. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a toilet? A: A toilet won't follow you around after you use it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster? A: In the morning a rooster says, "Cock'll-doodl-doooo", while a blonde says, "Any-cock'll-doooo." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and a blonde? A: The prostitute says, "Aren't you done yet?" The nympho says, "Are you done already?" The blonde says, "Beige...I think I'll paint the ceiling beige." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How can you tell when a blonde is dating? A: By the buckle print on her forehead. 40 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How can you tell who is a blonde's boyfriend? A: He's the one with the belt buckle the matches the impression in her forehead. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call two nuns and a blonde? A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why did the blonde cross the road? A1: Forget the road, what was she doing out of the bedroom!? A2: I don't know. A3: Neither did she. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. How can you tell that a blondes having a bad day. A. She has a tampon tucked behind her ear, and she can't find her pencil. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do blondes wear behind their ears to attract men. A: Their heels. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs? A: They don't know the route. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board? A: It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What is foreplay for a blonde? A: Thirty minutes of begging. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a broom closet? A: Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a phone booth? A1: You need a quarter to use the phone. A2: Only one person can use the phone at once. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What is the best blonde secretary in the world to have? A: One that never misses a period. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What two things in the air can get a blonde pregnant? A: Her feet. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the disease that paralyzes blondes below the waist? A: Marriage. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How is a blonde like a frying pan? A: You have to get them hot before you put in the meat. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you describe the perfect blonde? A: 3 feet tall, no teeth, and a flat head to rest your beer on. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between a pit bull and a blonde with PMS? A: Lipstick. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why do blondes have big bellybuttons? A: From dating blonde men. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call a blonde lesbian? A: A waste. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call 4 blondes lying on the ground? A: An air mattress. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call a hooker and four blondes? A: Regular price, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg? A: Nothing. They've never met. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning? A1: Introduces herself. A2: Walks home. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between Indiana and a blonde? A: A blonde has larger hills and deeper valleys. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a Porsche? A: You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush? A: You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common? A: Chances are they'll both end up in the gutter. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What is the difference between a blonde and "The Titanic"? A: They know how many men went down on "The Titanic". -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What is the difference between a blonde and the Grand Old Duke of York? A: The Grand Old Duke of York only 'had' 10000 men. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What did the blonde's mom say to her before the blondes date? A: If you're not in bed by 12, come home. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs? A: "Nice ****" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why does a blonde have fur on the hem of her dress? A: To keep her ankles warm. A2: To keep her neck warm -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What does a blonde look like after sex? A: I don't know I am already gone. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What does an airplane and a blonde have in common? A: They both have a cockpit -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms? A: Way to go team. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why is a blonde like a stamp? A: They both get licked, stuck, and then sent on their way. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why is a blonde like a shotgun? A: Give her a cock and she's ready to blow. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why do saunas remind some people of blondes? A: Because they're both steaming and wet when you enter, and they don't mind if you bring friends. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why are blondes like TVs? A: Any three year old can turn them on. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's one thing everybody sees in a blonde? A: A ****. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between a mosquito and a blonde? A: When you slap a mosquito, it will stop sucking. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the Atlantic Coast? A: The Atlantic Coast has fewer crabs. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you give a blonde more headroom? A: Adjust the steering wheel. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What is the difference between a blonde and most men? A: The blonde has the higher sperm count. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What does a blonde use for protection during sex? A: A bus shelter. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between blondes and McDonald's? A: A blonde serves more people in a night. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper? A: So she could lip read. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why don't they let Blondes swim in the ocean? A: Because they can't get the smell out of the tuna. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you make a blondes eyes twinkle? A: Shine a flashlight in her ear. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common? A: They're both empty from the neck up. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What does a blonde owl say? A: What, what? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? A: To see what was on the other side. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back? A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK". -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat? A: In case she locks the keys in her car. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why did God create blondes? A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why did God create brunettes? A: Neither could the blondes. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch? A: To turn the blinker off. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car? A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane? A: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months? A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you confuse a blonde? A: Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why does it work? A: "Does 3 come before E or does it go between M and W?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why did the blonde call the welfare office? A: She wanted to know how to cook food stamps. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Did you hear about the blond skydiver? A: She missed the Earth. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What is the difference between a blonde and an inflatable doll? A: About 2 cans of hair spray. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives? A: The vegetable garden. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How many blondes does it take to play tag? A: One. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call four Blondes in a Volkswagon? A: Far-from-thinkin. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios? A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra? A: Spot. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's a blondes favourite rock group? A: Air Supply. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short? A1: So brunettes can remember them. A2: Because blondes are so shallow, a long joke wouldn't fit. A3: So men can understand them. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs? A: They keep breaking them with the hammers. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde? A: Perri-air. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote? A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head? A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What is a blonde's favorite part of a gas station? A: The Air Pump. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air? A: She missed. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH? A: A blonde going through a flashing red light. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance? A: 144 blondes. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater? A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter". -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning? A: It swells at night. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces. A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? A: She moved. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A: A blonde parade. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch a cold? A: They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes? A: Frosted Flakes. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails? A: To cover up the valve stem. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blondes head? A: A Space Invader. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you see when you look into a blondes eyes? A: The back of her head. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why do blondes drive VW's? A: Because they can't spell Porsche. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday mornings? A: Tell them a joke on Friday night. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case? A: Branch Manager. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? A: She fell out of the tree. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids? A1: So they know if it is morning or afternoon. A2: So that when they're on the train they can tell if they're going to work or coming home. 48 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call a smart blonde? A1: A golden retriever. A2: A labrador. A3: An indicator of a really bad hangover. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why are blondes hurt by people's words? A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies? A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory? A: Proofreading. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory? A: For throwing out the W's. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet? A: Last year's hide and seek champ. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a supermarket trolley? A: The supermarket trolley has a mind of its own. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel? A: An air bag. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What did they name the offspring of a blonde and a Puerto Rican? A: Retardo. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence? A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week? A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase? A: "It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday mornings? A: Tell them a joke on Friday night. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How does a blonde commit suicide? A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you plant dope? A: Bury a blonde. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree? A: Wave to her. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How does a blonde get pregnant? A: And I thought blondes were dumb. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you confuse a blonde? A: You don't. They're born that way. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk? A: The cow fell on her. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How did the blonde burn her nose? A: Bobbing for french fries. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries? A: She has a checkbook. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde? A: There is a stamp on it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook? A: She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink? A: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Q: Why do blondes like lightning? A: They think someone is taking their picture. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner? A: Reservations. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How did the blonde kill her toy poodle? A: Trying to put batteries in it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Someone asked if a blonde believed in smoking. A: She said "Yes, I've seen it done." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why does a blonde have an IQ 1 point higher than a policehorse? A: So she won't **** on the street during a parade. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you drive a blonde crazy? A: Hide her hairbrush. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do blonde braincells die? A: Alone. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells? A: Pregnant. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up? A: To catch everything that goes over their heads. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger? A: You can park in the handicap zone. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer? A: You only have to punch information into a computer once. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles? A: Because they can't get their head in the jar. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How many blondes does it take to make a circuit? A: Two, One to stand in the bathtub, and another to pass her the blow dryer. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the mating call of the blonde? A: "I'm *sooo* drunk!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde? A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's a brunette's mating call? A: Has that blonde gone yet? A2: When is that blonde going to leave? A3: "All the blondes have gone home" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side? A: An interpreter. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes? A: A mental block. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it? A: A thought. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What does "Bones" McCoy say before he performs brain surgery on a blonde? A: "Space. The final frontier..." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's brown and red and black and blue? A: A brunette who's told one too many blonde jokes. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear? A: Data transfer. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why do blondes have more fun? A1: Because they don't know any better. A2: They are easier to keep amused. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb? A1: "What's a lightbulb?" A2: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her. A3: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's a blonde's favourite wine? A: "Daaaddy, I want to go to Miaaami!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes? A: A wine cellar. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why are there no dumb brunettes? A: Peroxide. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What does a blonde say when she gives birth? A: Gee, Are you sure it's mine? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a hand grenade at you? A: Pull the pin and throw it back. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? A: Her IQ goes up. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot? A: Bigfoot has been spotted. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do blondes and cow-pats have in common? A: They both get easier to pick-up with age. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you drown a blonde? A1: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool. A2: Don't tell her to swallow. A3: Leave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts? A: Change. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense? A: (I'll tell you tomorrow.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a gorilla? A: Who knows, there is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird? A: She threw it off a cliff. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How does a blonde kill a fish? A: She drowns it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours? A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots? A: Flattered. PHEW. Glad THAT'S over  
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Wow. That was a lot of jokes. They were very funny.
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