uk1971
Joined Tue 04/10/07 Posts: 21895 |
Topic:
Terror in London
QUOTE: so ur saying that the boston bombing was islamic? it was by ur guys who caused the boston bombing. ****ing toerags blaming it on islamic people Erm- The animals who committed this disgusting cowardly attack were heard shouting ALLAH AKBAR I know of NO Christian, Buddhist, Hindu or other religion apart from Islam who utter those words.  
Edited by uk1971 on Thu 05/23/13 05:02 AM
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uk1971
Joined Tue 04/10/07 Posts: 21895 |
Topic:
Terror in London
Off duty soldier murdered in attempted beheading by Islamic terrorists for wearing a 'Help the Heroes' tshirt.
http://news.sky.com/story/1094380/woolwich-soldier-dead-after-terror-attack You live in a country that is not YOUR home country? You abide by and live by the laws of the land! If you are not happy, then return to the country from whence you originate and propagate your hatred and violence on your own people. Deportation? CERTAINLY! If one believes in their religion, go or be sent back to the country they originally come from where that religion is most popular... Imprisonment? CERTAINLY......On a remote island, as far away from normal human inhabitants as possible with no chance of parole, escape or reward and be left there to rot!! But THAT is just my opinion. Apparently the two attackers were shot and are now in hospital. Ship the animals out with their wounds and let them fend for themselves!!!!!! 
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uk1971
Joined Tue 04/10/07 Posts: 21895 |
Topic:
England v Scotland
Englishmen don't need to compete against Scotsmen.
We have Nothing to prove. We don't need to brag or harp on about it. We ARE better. PERIOD!!! 
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uk1971
Joined Tue 04/10/07 Posts: 21895 |
Topic:
Sorry Boss
Dear Boss,
I could not go to the office today because of an unfortunate accident I had when I fell onto the floor at a recent function. The medical report indicates that I cannot walk well for a few days and that it will take time to be in shape again. Please find in the attachment, copy of my X-ray taken last night. Thanks! Yours truly, humble employee. PS. It's still hurting a little 
 
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uk1971
Joined Tue 04/10/07 Posts: 21895 |
Topic:
England v Scotland
QUOTE: QUOTE: QUOTE: [Courtesy of Mingle2 member HUST91] 
TYPICAL. Scottish. Violence is their only solution to almost every confrontation. 
Typical Englishman. Doesn't know the difference between Scotsmen and a group of Scandinavians. In the above cartoon, the three guys on the right represent Denmark, Sweden and Norway, and they are wearing Viking helmets. Of course I know the difference between Scandinavians and Scots. ONLY A Scot would be too cowardly to post an actual pic of a Scotsman posting such childish drivel.!!!!! No score update required. It's not contest anyway. |
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uk1971
Joined Tue 04/10/07 Posts: 21895 |
Ailments
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uk1971
Joined Tue 04/10/07 Posts: 21895 |
Topic:
Take the 2nd letter - part 7
Nuclear
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uk1971
Joined Tue 04/10/07 Posts: 21895 |
Topic:
hehehe
Hear about the gay cowboy?
Rode into town and shot up the sheriff"  
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uk1971
Joined Tue 04/10/07 Posts: 21895 |
A friend had just married and was on honeymoon.
I was looking after his pet cockatiel and going to his house every other day to clean, feed and water it. Foolishly, he had left his house keys with me for this purpose 
In the days before he returned I, and several other close friends and colleagues inflated dozens of kids party balloons and filled every room of his house with them. EVERY room was filled wall to wall and from floor to ceiling! As each room was filled we locked the door and placed the key in a random balloon,
As they was not due home until the early hours of the morning after the 'Honeymoon'  long flight and car journey, we knew they would be tired.
SO we put the key to the bedroom in the very first balloon of the first room we had filled, (The final room they would gain access to). In the bathroom we also randomly filled balloons with water. Oh AND a key to a room.
We must have spent around €3000 at least on balloons. That's a LOT of balloons LOL (Worth it)
On their return, because of the late hour, (2.45am approximately) they retrieved the house key from their letter box. The language emanating from the house on their initial door opening deteriorated from simple cursing to the vilest obscenities one can imagine. Banging (Ooops.....Popping) could be heard for at least two hours as they searched for the various room keys. As the bedroom key was the last to be found, (In the utility room at the back of the house), needless to say, the banging went on for some considerable time. PLUS the final insult of the bedroom key being first wrapped safely in a condom, and THEN in a balloon was the final act in the prank. RESULT? One hell of a funny look from the garbage collector when they collected five bags of deflated rubber balloons. Needless to say, neither I or any colleagues been asked to house sit since. STILL waiting for recriminatory reactions. lol
Edited by uk1971 on Fri 05/17/13 01:26 AM
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uk1971
Joined Tue 04/10/07 Posts: 21895 |
Topic:
England v Scotland
QUOTE: [Courtesy of Mingle2 member HUST91]
TYPICAL. Scottish. Violence is their only solution to almost every confrontation.
Edited by uk1971 on Fri 05/17/13 12:44 AM
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uk1971
Joined Tue 04/10/07 Posts: 21895 |
Topic:
England v Scotland
SCOTLAND
Where the men are men and the sheep look nervous. 
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uk1971
Joined Tue 04/10/07 Posts: 21895 |
Topic:
England v Scotland
NEVER EVER expect a Scotsman to offer to buy you a drink
I USED to live 2 miles from the Scottish border, and knew a Scots guy who actually had a combination padlock on his wallet. (Shame Hadrians wall wasn't preserved and built 30 feet higher)
On arrival at Glasgow airport, the passengers recieved the following announcement. 'Ladies an Gentleman, we have landed at Glasgow Airport. Passengers are reminded to set their watches back 25 years!!!!' To TawtStrat. The gag about the fresh fruit breakfast first surfaced in the early 1980s in a show by the English comedian Jasper Carrot when he was heckled by a Scottish audience member.
Edited by uk1971 on Thu 05/09/13 02:40 AM
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uk1971
Joined Tue 04/10/07 Posts: 21895 |
Topic:
England v Scotland
QUOTE: Why are they putting Englishmen at the bottom of the ocean? They found out that deep down, they’re really not so bad. Do I detect a disgruntled Scotsman? 
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uk1971
Joined Tue 04/10/07 Posts: 21895 |
Topic:
England v Scotland
An English guy is having a continental breakfast (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam)when a Scotsman, chewing gum, sits down next to him.
The Englishman ignores the Scot who, nevertheless, starts a conversation. Scot "You English folk eat the whole bread?" English guy (in a bad mood): "Of course." Scot: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't.In Scotland, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to England." The 'Jock' has a smirk on his face. The Englishman listens in silence. The Scot persists: "D'ya eat jam with the bread?" Englishman: "Of course." Jock (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling): "We don't. In Scotland we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and left-overs in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to England." The English guy wipes his lips with his napkin, then asks: "Do you have sex in Scotland?" Scotsman: "Why of course we do", the Jock says with a big smirk. Englishman: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?" Scotsman: "We throw them away, of course." Englishman: "We don't. In England, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to Scotland."
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uk1971
Joined Tue 04/10/07 Posts: 21895 |
Topic:
MY Favourite One Liners
Just had margarita cocktail.
Didn't taste like pizza at all. 
Edited by uk1971 on Fri 04/26/13 03:24 PM
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uk1971
Joined Tue 04/10/07 Posts: 21895 |
Topic:
MY Favourite One Liners
Crime in multi-storey car parks.
That is wrong on so many different levels. Phil Taylor asked me why I put superglue on one of his darts. I said "You just can't let it go can you?" I saw this advert in a window that said: “Television for sale, €1, volume stuck on full.” I thought, “I can’t turn that down.” I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again. Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes So I said to a Scottsman 'Did you have? terrible spots as a kid?' He said 'ac ne' Do you ever get that when you're half way through eating a horse and you think to yourself, 'I'm not as hungry as I thought I was' Exit signs? They're on the way out! Black Beauty? Now there's a dark horse! Velcro? What a rip-off! I was mugged by a man on crutches, wearing camouflage. 'Ha ha,' I thought, 'You can hide but you can't run.' Does an earl who gets an OBE become an earlobe? When the kids in the playground first discovered I had a possibly fatal allergy to peanuts, they used to push me up against the wall and make me play Russian roulette with a packet of Revels. I was walking along the road the other day and on the pavement I saw a white baby ghost. However, come to think of it, it may have been a tissue. If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that. Old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets over their legs, I don’t think so. Retired mermaids! I don’t know if you’ve ever fallen asleep whilst eating a plate of cauliflower, and then woken up, and thought you were in the clouds. So I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck. Turns out I phoned dial a lama. If they make it illegal to wear the veil at work, bee keepers are going to be furious! Incredible to think isn’t it, that every single Scotsman started off as a scotch egg. Old and gingery. Sometimes I wonder what my grandfather would think of what I do. He spent his whole life in the kebab business, was buried with all his equipment. Probably turning in his grave. The pollen count, now that’s a difficult job. Especially if you’ve got hay fever. Militant feminists: I take my hat off to them. They don’t like that. AND FINALLY........... DON'T go camping in the countryside. Have you ever noticed that if a body is found in the countryside, it's always in a tent?
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uk1971
Joined Tue 04/10/07 Posts: 21895 |
Crime in multi-storey car parks.
That is wrong on so many different levels. Phil Taylor asked me why I put superglue on one of his darts. I said "You just can't let it go can you?" I saw this advert in a window that said: “Television for sale, €1, volume stuck on full.” I thought, “I can’t turn that down.” I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again. Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes So I said to a Scottsman 'Did you have? terrible spots as a kid?' He said 'ac ne' Do you ever get that when you're half way through eating a horse and you think to yourself, 'I'm not as hungry as I thought I was' Exit signs? They're on the way out! Black Beauty? Now there's a dark horse! Velcro? What a rip-off! I was mugged by a man on crutches, wearing camouflage. 'Ha ha,' I thought, 'You can hide but you can't run.' Does an earl who gets an OBE become an earlobe? When the kids in the playground first discovered I had a possibly fatal allergy to peanuts, they used to push me up against the wall and make me play Russian roulette with a packet of Revels. I was walking along the road the other day and on the pavement I saw a white baby ghost. However, come to think of it, it may have been a tissue. If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that. Old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets over their legs, I don’t think so. Retired mermaids! I don’t know if you’ve ever fallen asleep whilst eating a plate of cauliflower, and then woken up, and thought you were in the clouds. So I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck. Turns out I phoned dial a lama. If they make it illegal to wear the veil at work, bee keepers are going to be furious! Incredible to think isn’t it, that every single Scotsman started off as a scotch egg. Old and gingery. Sometimes I wonder what my grandfather would think of what I do. He spent his whole life in the kebab business, was buried with all his equipment. Probably turning in his grave. The pollen count, now that’s a difficult job. Especially if you’ve got hay fever. Militant feminists: I take my hat off to them. They don’t like that. AND FINALLY........... DON'T go camping in the countryside. Have you ever noticed that if a body is found in the countryside, it's always in a tent?
Edited by uk1971 on Wed 04/24/13 01:59 AM
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uk1971
Joined Tue 04/10/07 Posts: 21895 |
Topic:
5 Old Ladies
A Police Officer was waiting along the side of a highway waiting to catch speeding drivers.
There weren't as many violators this day as usual. The State Police Officer sees an old car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies-two in the front seat and three in the back-wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...twenty-two miles an hour!" the old dear says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks with concern. "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 215."
Edited by uk1971 on Thu 04/04/13 10:49 PM
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uk1971
Joined Tue 04/10/07 Posts: 21895 |
If x is the centre and y is at the outer limit, calculate the distance from a to z via b, c and w
ALGEBRA 
Is there ANYTHING more pointless? WHAT possible productive usage does it have.
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uk1971
Joined Tue 04/10/07 Posts: 21895 |
WARNING GROANER ALERT!!!
A guy's enjoying his drink at the bar when he hears a tiny voice saying, "That's a nice shirt you're wearing tonight." He looks around, then realizes that no one is there. He shrugs it off and continues drinking. A couple minutes later he hears another tiny voice saying, "You look really handsome with your hair combed like that." Once again he looks around, and once again realizes that nobody is talking to him. He calls the bartender over and tells him about the tiny voices. The bartender asks him what the voices are saying. When the guy tells him, the bartender says, "Oh. No need to worry. Those are the peanuts. They're complimentary."
There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet. After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?" The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees." The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked. "She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man'." AND FINALLY Latest additions for modern definitions * SALAD DODGER. An excellent phrase for an overweight person. * SWAMP-DONKEY A deeply unattractive person. * TESTICULATING. Waving your arms around and talking bollocks. * BLAMESTORMING. Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a Project failed, and who was responsible. * SEAGULL MANAGER. A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and Then leaves. * ASSMOSIS. The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard. * SALMON DAY. The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die. * CUBE FARM. An office filled with cubicles. * PRAIRIE DOGGING. When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.) * SINBAD. Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate. * AEROPLANE BLONDE. One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'. * PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE. The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again. * ADMINISPHERE. The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless paperwork and processes. * 404. Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found" meaning that the requested document could not be located. * AUSSIE KISS. Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under. * OH - NO SECOND. That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just Made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all'). * GREYHOUND. A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare. *MILLENNIUM DOMES. The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing. * MYSTERY BUS. The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the Toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in. * BEER COAT. The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise At 3:00am. * BEER COMPASS. The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from. * TART FUEL. Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women. * PICASSO BUM. A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's Got 4 buttocks.
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