On the evening of the Superbowl A guy walked into a bar with a dachshund under his arm. The dog is wearing a New England Patriots jersey, helmet, and is festooned with Patriots pom poms.
The bartender says,
“Hey, no pets are allowed in here! You’ll have to leave!”
The guy begs him.
“Look, I’m desperate. We’re both big fans. The TV is broken, and this is the only place around here where we can see the game!”
After securing a promise that the dog will behave, and warning him, that he, and the dog will be thrown out if they cause any trouble, the bartender relents, and allows them to stay in the bar and watch the game.
The game begins with the Patriots receiving the kick off.
They march downfield, get stopped at about the 30, and kick a field goal. With that, the dog jumps on the bar, giving a high five to all the other customers seated at the bar.
The bartender says,
“Wow! That’s the most amazing thing I have ever seen. What does the dog do if they score a touchdown?”
The dog owner replies.
“I don’t know, I’ve only had him for four years.”

Try saying the following fast.

Polish it behind the door.

You REALLY need to get a grip of yourself.

WHAT am I saying?

A police patrol man comes in off the beat and has to report to his sergeant.
"So,"
says the sergeant.
"Anything unusual happen today?"
"Nah,"
says the cop,
"There was just this woman who fell from the 10th floor of the building opposite. Stone dead!"
"And that's nothing unusual?"
"Well, it would've been unusual if she'd survived."

Pass the barf bag.

If I stand sideways on and stick my tongue out, my mate says i look like a zipper.



Anyway. It's not what's on the outside that matters. It's what comes from within that counts.

Bob is unemployed and applies for a job as a janitor at Microsoft.
A manager at Human Resources interviews him in detail then asks him to wipe a few floors as a test.
"OK,"
says the interviewer,
"you're hired. Just give me your e-mail address and I'll send you the necessary documents."
Bob says that he doesn't have a computer, so obviously has no e-mail address.
The Microsoft interviewer tells him that without an e-mail address he virtually doesn't exist, so the company is unable to hire him.
Disappointed and frustrated, Bob leaves the building with only 10 dollars in his pocket. He decides to go to the nearest supermarket and buy 10 pounds of tomatoes.
He sells the tomatoes door-to-door and within two hours has doubled his capital.
He repeats the process three times and ends up with 160 dollars.
Realising that he can make a living this way, Bob works hard from early morning to late at night.
Every day, he doubles or even triples his capital.
After a short time, he buys a small van, then a truck, and soon he has an entire fleet for his deliveries.
Within 5 years, Bob has established one of the largest food retail chains in the USA.
He decides to think about his future and wants to get a financial plan drawn up for himself and his family.
He contacts a financial consultant and they compile a pension plan.
At the end of the discussion, the consultant asks Bob for his e-mail address in order to send him the corresponding documents, only to hear that Bob still does not own a computer and has no e-mail address.
"That's weird,"
says the consultant.
"You have built up a massive retail empire and you don't even have an e-mail address.
Just imagine what you would have achieved if you'd had a computer."
Bob thinks for a minute, then says:
"I'd be a janitor at Microsoft."

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.
True to his word, he made the first contact:
"Marion...Marion..."
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex.
I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.
I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.
Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens).
Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon.
After supper, it's back to golf course again.
Then it's more sex until late at night.
I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"
"Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"
"No...I'm a rabbit in Arizona!"

I was so pissed off after arguing with my girlfriend last night.
When she went to bed, I sneaked into the kitchen and tightened every jar and bottle in the cupboard.

My girlfriend thinks I drink too much because I'm bored; says I need to get a hobby.
So I got one of those home brewing kits.

The wife was showing off her new knee-length boots.
"Oooh,"
she said,
"nice and tight. I feel like I'm wearing my own skin."
"That's no surprise,"
I said, glancing at the box,
"they're made of pig's leather."

Mary had a little lamb
She also had a bear
I've often seen her little lamb
But I've never seen her bare.

Theres currently a sale on tennis balls down my local sports shop.
It's first come, first serve.


This electrical circuit building competition is really coming down to the wire.


Bill Gates is making Harvey Price a part of Microsoft's production team.
Apparently they need the new instalment version of windows clean.


AND FINALLY:

I tried to log in on my iPad. Turns out it was an Etch A Sketch and I don't own an iPad.
Also, I'm out of vodka.

A woman, heavily pregnant with triplets enters a bank to withdraw some cash.
As she was standing in the queue, two masked robbers burst into the bank, and demanded money from the cashier. On their way out, she was not fast enough in moving out of their way, and, unfortunately, one of the robbers shot her three times in the stomach.
She awoke in hospital to find that the swelling in her belly was no longer there. Hysterically, she started screaming for her children.
The doctor quickly reassured her that her children had been saved, and that there was nothing to worry about; apart from one thing.
Each of her children had been hit by the bullets, and they had lodged in inoperable areas. But she need not worry, because, during the passage of time, the bullets would dislodge and exit in a normal fashion.

12 years later, the first of the woman’s children, a daughter, came to her and said,
“Mum, I’ve done something that I can’t explain.”
“What is that?”
asked her mother.
“I went to the toilet, and this came out.”
It was, of course, a bullet.
Her mother explained what had happened 12 years earlier, and not to worry.
Everything would be fine.
A couple of weeks later, her second child, also a daughter, came to her mother and said,
“Mummy, I’ve done something I can’t explain, or understand.”
Her mother said,
“What. You went to the toilet for a pee, and a bullet came out?”
“Yes.”
Replied her daughter.
Once again, the mother explained what had happened, and that everything would be fine, and that she had nothing to be concerned about.
A couple of days later, her third child, a son, came to his mother and said,
“Mum, I’ve done something bad!”
His mother said,
“I know what. You went to the toilet for a pee and a bullet came out?”
“No.”
replied her son.
“I was jerking off, and I shot the cat!”

The Italian army has been called in to help with the people from the grounded cruise ship.
But they have now swapped sides and have declared war on the survivors.

Aztec

The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did too.
She began running so I ran too.
She screamed so I screamed as well.
I never even saw what we were running from.

Conditions were perfect...12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over...
The
'Tell me when we're having fun'
kind of day.
One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a rest room.
He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress.
He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away.
If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of 12 below doesn't help matters.
With time running out, the woman weighed her options. Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all-white ski outfit, she should go off into the woods and no one would even notice.
He assured her,
"The white will provide more than adequate camouflage."
So she headed for the tree line, began lowering her ski pants and proceeded to do her thing.
If you've ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and wrong way to set your skis so you don't move.
Yup, you got it!!!
She had them positioned the wrong way.
Steep slopes are not forgiving...even during the most embarrassing moments.
Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out-of-control, racing through the trees...somehow missing all of them and onto another slope.
Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while.
She continued backwards, totally out-of-control, creating an unusual vista for the other skiers.
The woman skied back under the lift and finally collided violently with a pylon.
The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants.
At long last her husband arrived, putting an end to her nudie show, then summoned the ski patrol.
They transported her to a hospital.
While in the emergency room, a man with an obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers.
"So, how'd you break your leg?"
she asked, making small talk.
"It was the stupidest thing you ever saw,"
he said.
"I was riding up this ski lift today and suddenly, I couldn't believe my eyes!
There was this crazy woman skiing backward, out-of-control, down the mountain, with her bare azz hanging out of her pants. I leaned over to get a better look and fell out of the lift. ..
So, how'd you break your arm?"

There are times when there is someone who relies on you
That person starts out as just a friend
The very thought of them takes your breath away
The feelings are so deep
It's so much too hard to turn away
We started out as friends
Your name is etched forever in my heart
Will you always be their baby
And be forever their heart
I want you to be my lady
Time surely will bring
Heartbreak and pain in so many things
That is just lifes way
when gambling cards on love one may stray
I’d rather together with you baby
than alone forever, or even a single day
They started out as friends
Your name is etched forever in my heart
Will you always be my baby
And be forever my heart
I want you to be their lady
We never look into the sun
Until the day is gone
but oh when light shines bright
On a peaceful day, darker skies leave us alone
We want nothing to do with you
We'll clean ourselves bathing
In the room that makes it rain
On my own with you, gives me butterflies in my heart
lGently we make love, and the earth rotates on our beliefs
Gently we make love...............
Your name is etched deep in my heart......

Tom 1.1. 2012

LETTER FROM Ex EMPLOYEE.



To: STAFF

From: EX-EMPLOYEE

Subject: OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY



When I came into the office this morning, I noticed a sort of general feeling of unfriendliness. Since several of you have openly called me a son-of-***** to my face.
I know I must have done something wrong at our office party last Friday.
The office manager called me from the hospital, and, as this is my last day, I’d like to take this opportunity of apologising to you all.
I would prefer speaking to each of you personally, but you all seem to go deaf and dumb when I try to talk to you.



Firstly: To my beloved boss, Mr. Simons.
I am sorry for all the things I called you on Friday.
I am very much aware that your father is not a baboon, nor is your mother a Chinese whore. Your wife is a delightful woman, and my story of buying her for 50 cents in Tijuana was simply a figment of my imagination.
Your children are undoubtedly yours too.
About the water cooler incident, well, you will never know haw badly I felt about it, and I hope they didn’t hurt your head when they were trying to get the glass jar off.



To comely Miss Ashley I express my deepest regret:
In my own defence, I must remind you that you seemed to enjoy our little escapade on the stairway as much as I did until the banister broke and we fell eight feet onto the second floor landing.
In spite of the rupture you incurred when I landed on top of you, I am sure that you will admit it was one of the biggest thrills you have ever had.



Dave Jones, you old cuss, you’ve just got to forgive me for that little prank I played on you.
If I had known that you were so jumpy, I would never have done it.
It could have been a lot worse if that fat lady hadn’t been standing right under the window when you jumped through.
She broke your fall a lot.
People have been killed, falling three storeys.



Mr Gray, I regret telling the fireman that it was you who turned in that false alarm, but of course I had no way of knowing that they would be such bad sports about it.
Those fire hoses sure do have a lot of pressure don’t they?
And the water is so cold!



Bill Crane: You rate a special apology.
My laughing, when you forgot to put the seat down and got stuck in the toilet was bad enough, but my calling everyone else in to watch, was unforgivable.



Reg Hughes: I know how you must feel about my opening the door to the cleaning cupboard so suddenly; it must have startled you and Miss Finch quite badly.
When I think of how badly you bumped your chin on the sink when you bent down to pull up your pants, it makes me sick.
We will have to get together some time for dinner, when the dentist finishes your plate.



Miss Brown: The only excuse I can offer for stealing all of your clothes and hiding them when I found you passed out in the ladies rest room is that I was drunk.
Also, I would like you to know that I was very embarrassed when I couldn’t remember where I had hidden them, and you had to go home in that old sofa cover.
Raising your falsies out on the flagpole was a bit too much, I guess, but as I said I was a little bit drunk.



To the rest of you, I’m sorry.
Setting Mrs Williams lace panties on fire seemed a funny idea at the time, but it makes me sad to hear that her husband is filing for a divorce because of what I did.
Now that I’ve apologised to all of you, and I know I will be forgiven, I’ve got a big surprise for you!
Even though I don’t work here anymore, I’m going to do my best to be there for the office picnic at Easter.

A Jew, an Iranian and an Indian are in a boat in the Pacific Ocean when they are hit by a storm.
The boat is sunk and there is no land in sight.
After about an hour a shark approaches, attacks them and eats the Iranian.
10 minutes later it returns and eats the Jew.
Half an hour passes and it returns and begins to circle the Indian.
After five minutes of circling, the shark begins to swim away.
The Indian screams out,
“Hey, aren’t you going to eat me?”
The shark turns it's head and replies,
“I was going to, but I had a curry last week, and my arse is still burning!

I had 18 bottle of whisky in my cellar, and was told by my wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else!!!
I said I would, and I proceeded with the unpleasant task.
I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.
I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle, and poured the whisky down the sink, which I drank.
I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank.
I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next, and drunk one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass.
I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle.
Then, I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink, and drank the pour.
When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sink with the other, which were 29, and as the house came by, I counted them again, and finally had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank.
I am not under the affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am. I am not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish.
I don’t know who are me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get

IRISH BRICKLAYERS REPORT.

Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Paragraph 3 of the accident report form.

I put “poor planning” as the cause of my accident. You asked for a more detailed account, and I trust the following explanation will be sufficient.



I am, by trade, a bricklayer. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six storey building.

When I had completed my work, I found that there were some bricks left over, which, when weighed later, were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand. I decided to lower them in a barrel, using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it.

Then, I went down, and untied the rope, holding on to it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note, in Paragraph 11 of the accident report form, that I weigh 135lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind, and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downwards at an equally impressive speed.

This explains the fractured skull, and minor abrasions and broken collar bone, as listed in Section 3 of the accident report form.



Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind, and was able to hold tightly onto the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain. At approximately the same time however, the barrel of bricks left the ground, and the bottom fell out of the barrel.

Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50lbs.

I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building.

Once again, in the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth, and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

At this point, my luck began to change slightly.

The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me down enough to lessen my injuries, when I fell onto the pile of bricks and, fortunately, only 3 vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind, and let go of the rope, and I lay there, watching the empty barrel begin its’ descent back down the side of the building, and its’ inevitable landing on my lower torso.

This explains the two broken legs.

Sir,

I trust this is sufficient explanation for the board of inquiry.