uk1971
Joined Tue 04/10/07 Posts: 20596 |
Fox
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uk1971
Joined Tue 04/10/07 Posts: 20596 |
Topic:
How You Get Babies
One afternoon a little girl returned from school, and announced that her friend had told her where babies come from.
Amused, her mother replied: "Really, sweetie, why don't you tell me all about it?" The little girl explained, "Well ... OK... the Mummy and Daddy take off all of their clothes, and the daddy's thingy sort of stands up, and then mummy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and that's how you get babies." Her mom shook her head, leaned over to meet her, eye to eye, and said, "Oh, darling, that's sweet, but that's not how you get babies... "That's how you get jewelery!”   
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uk1971
Joined Tue 04/10/07 Posts: 20596 |
QUOTE: I was just reading about that. first I had heard of it. I wonder why its not on the news Guess that my country is seen as an insignificant nation where natural disasters are concerned. 
Edited by uk1971 on Wed 11/25/09 09:00 AM
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uk1971
Joined Tue 04/10/07 Posts: 20596 |
Topic:
Saved from suicide
A guy loses his arm in an accident and he's so depressed, decides he's going to jump out the window and do himself in.
He opens the window and sees another guy on the sidewalk without any arms. The guy is dancing and looks quite happy. The fella with one arm thinks, "Why am I so miserable. This fellas got no arms and he's happy and dancing." So he gives up on the idea of jumping. He goes downstairs and says to the guy with no arms. "Thankyou. You saved my life. I was going to jump until I saw you so happy and dancing around. "What makes you so happy that you can dance. The guy with no arms says irritably. "I'm not dancing 'coz I'm happy. I'm dancing 'cos my butt is itchy!"
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uk1971
Joined Tue 04/10/07 Posts: 20596 |
1. My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned. I couldn't concentrate.
2. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it,so they gave me the axe. 3. After that, I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it -mainly because it was a sew-sew job. 4. Next, I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting. 5. Then, I tried to be a chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme. 6. I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it I couldn't cut the mustard. 7. My best job was a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy. 8. I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience. 9. Next, was a job in a shoe factory. I tried but I just didn't fit in. 10. I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income. 11. I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining. 12. So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit forthe job. 13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian - until I realized there was no future in it. 14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind. 15. SO, I TRIED RETIREMENT AND FOUND THAT I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!
Edited by uk1971 on Wed 11/25/09 07:57 AM
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uk1971
Joined Tue 04/10/07 Posts: 20596 |
Tells everyone she was a dancer in High School Musical
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uk1971
Joined Tue 04/10/07 Posts: 20596 |
Topic:
Take the 2nd letter - part 2
Youth
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uk1971
Joined Tue 04/10/07 Posts: 20596 |
Liason
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uk1971
Joined Tue 04/10/07 Posts: 20596 |
Isn't it strange, that when natural disasters happen elsewhere, Everybody jumps in to say that the are upset and send their condolences, well wishes and prayers to those involved in these matters?
Yet, when it happens to someone closer to home........ NOTHING !!!!
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uk1971
Joined Tue 04/10/07 Posts: 20596 |
Topic:
Advertising on Mingle 2
I understand that certain content is prohibiited from being posted in the forums due to the ratings (r) etc.
I also understand that as this site is a free site, it relies to a great deal on advertising. However, I feel that sites such as 'Adult Friend Finder' being permitted to advertise on the site is unneccessary and brings into question the policy of some site rules. |
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uk1971
Joined Tue 04/10/07 Posts: 20596 |
Topic:
$1,000,000 question.
Believe in your friends!
Sally, a contestant on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?' had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $25,000 milestone money. As she suspected, the million-dollar question was not easy... It was, 'Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but, instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it: A) The Condor B) The Buzzard C) The Cuckoo D) The Vulture Sally was on the spot.. She didn't know the answer. Sally had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Ask the Audience Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline. Sally hoped that she wouldn't have to use it because...well her friend was Blonde. But, Sally had no alternative. She called her friend and read her the question and four answers. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is C: the Cuckoo." The contestant had to make her decision quickly. Sally considered employing a reverse strategy and giving any answer, except the one that her Blonde friend had given. It would seem to be the logical thing to do. But... the Blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that Sally couldn't help but be convinced. "I need an answer", said the game host. Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The Cuckoo". "Is that your final answer?" "Yes, that is my final answer." To which the host replied, "That answer is.... Absolutely correct! You are now a millionaire!" Three days later, Sally hosted a party for her family and friends, including the Blonde who had helped her win the million dollars. "Joni, I just don't know how to thank you!' Sally said. "How did you happen to know the right answer?" "Oh, come on," said the blonde... "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests! They live in clocks." Sally fainted.........
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uk1971
Joined Tue 04/10/07 Posts: 20596 |
Topic:
Harry Potter Rip Off????
'Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief' trailer
http://uk.movies.yahoo.com/blog/article/9354/percy-jackson-and-the-harry-potter-rip-off.html |
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uk1971
Joined Tue 04/10/07 Posts: 20596 |
Topic:
About your country..
QUOTE: Another way to appreciate the U.S. is to imagine for a moment if you were in an alternate universe or timeline, and the U.S. never existed. Let's just say the Brits won the Revolutionary War, what would have happened afterwards? The world would be a very different and perhaps more frightening place. There wouldn't be so many friendly fire incidents though. 
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uk1971
Joined Tue 04/10/07 Posts: 20596 |
Topic:
About your country..
ENGLAND !!!
1. We have a monarchy 2. We have a great history stretching back centuries. 3. We have the ability to laugh at ourselves. 4. We have a great sense of humour. 5. We have Susan Boyle and Leona Lewis.
Edited by uk1971 on Mon 11/23/09 12:27 PM
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uk1971
Joined Tue 04/10/07 Posts: 20596 |
Holly Confection
Makes 4 dozen • Ingredients30 large marshmallows 1/2 cup margarine 1 1/2 teaspoon green food color 3 cups Cornflakes (not crushed) Directions: Melt marshmallows and margarine in top of double boiler. Stir in coloring. Remove from heat and add cornflakes. Mix gently and quickly until completely coated. Drop from teaspoon onto waxed paper on buttered cookie sheets. Sprinkle lightly with red sugar. Fool-Proof Fudge Ingredients1 (12 ounce) bag chocolate chips 1 can sweetened condensed milk 2 teaspoon vanilla 1 cup favorite chopped nuts 1 1/2 cup mini marshmallows Directions; Mix chocolate chips and sweeten condensed milk in large microwave safe bowl. Microwave for 5 minutes or until chips are melted. Stir in vanilla, nuts and marshmallows. Pour into wax paper lined 9x13 pan and chill for 2 hours until set. "Night Before Christmas" Coffee Cake Ingredients: 1/2 cup sugar 1/4 cup butter 2 beaten eggs 1/2 cup warm milk 1 pkg yeast (2 teaspoons bulk yeast) dissolved in 3 tablespoons warm water 3 cups flour 1 teaspoon salt 1/2 teaspoon vanilla Topping: 2/3 cup sugar 1 tablespoon cinnamon 4 tablespoons melted butter or margarine 1/2 cup nuts or maraschino cherries, candied red or green cherries Directions: Cream together sugar and butter. Then add eggs, milk, 1 package of yeast (2 tablespoons bulk yeast) dissolved in 3 tablespoons of warm water, flour, salt and vanilla. Beat all of these ingredients together. Then set dough aside and let it rise, until double in size. When your coffee cake dough has risen to double the size (this may take about 2 hours) put it in a 9x13" greased pan and spread with topping; Combine sugar, cinnamon, melted butter and nuts (you can use maraschino cherries or candied red and green cherries if you don't like nuts) Now place in a cold oven and leave it in there overnight to rise. The next morning turn oven to 350 degrees and bake for 1/2 hour. Take out and serve warm. This makes a large coffee cake or you can put the dough in two round pans instead.  Bon Apetit
Edited by uk1971 on Mon 11/23/09 11:31 AM
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uk1971
Joined Tue 04/10/07 Posts: 20596 |
Topic:
The Bank Robbery
A woman, heavily pregnant with triplets, goes into a bank.
Whilst waiting in line a bank robber comes in and orders everyone to lie down on the floor. When she tries to remonstrate with him, he shoots her three times in the stomach. She wakes up sometime later in the local hospital, and on discovering that her stomach is once again flat, but swathed in bandages, becomes hysterical. "My babies. My babies!!!" The doctor comes in and calms her down by saying, Relax madam. Your children are safe and well. There is only one slight problem. Each of your children were hit by the bullets. But don't worry. They well pass out by natural means over the course of time." Twelve years later, the mother is in the kitchen when one of her children, a girl, comes in and says, "Mom. I've done something bad." Her mother, fearing the worst says, "What have you done?" "I went to the bathroom to pee, and this came out!" It was a bullet! Her mother tells her the story about the bank robbery and that everything was ok. A couple of days later, the second child. Also a daughter comes to her mother and says, "Mom. I've done something bad." Her mother asks, "What have you done?" "I went to the bathroom to pee, and this came out!" Again. It was a bullet. Once again, mother tells her the story about the bank robbery and that everything was ok. Several days later, the third child. A boy, comes in and says, "Mom. I've done something bad." "What. You went to the bathroom for a pee and a bullet came out?" "No" Replies the boy. "I was jerking of and I shot the cat!"
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uk1971
Joined Tue 04/10/07 Posts: 20596 |
T. B. Bechtel, a City Councillor from Newcastle in Australia, was asked on a local live radio talk show, just what he thought about the allegations of torture of suspected terrorists.
His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience. HIS STATEMENT: 'If hooking up one raghead terrorist prisoner's testicles to a car battery to get the truth out of the lying little camelshagger will save just one Australian life, then I have only three things to say,' 'Red is positive, Black is negative, and Make sure his nuts are wet.'
Edited by uk1971 on Mon 11/23/09 11:03 AM
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uk1971
Joined Tue 04/10/07 Posts: 20596 |
Chuck and Danny, went camping in the high mountains for several weeks. For so long in fact, that they grew tired of one another's company and began to quarrel daily. One morning Danny decided they should try a day apart and proposed that he walk West and Chuck should walk East.
Chuck agreed and they planned to meet back at camp at sunset. They set off in opposite directions with brisk strides. Chuck returned first, started a fire and began to prepare supper. The sun was just a glimmer over the horizon and the first stars had begun to gleam before Danny struggled into camp with a weary smile. Tired as he was, Danny went for water and firewood, as the camp rules required. After supper was finished and the utensils cleaned, Chuck began to talk about his day. "It was a wonderful day, my friend," began Chuck. "I walked farther up the mountain than we've ever been. About noon I found a wonderful little valley with a lovely, cold lake. I skinny-dipped a while, quietly ate some lunch and watched the animals come to drink and wash. Then I dressed and came back to camp. All in all, a great day." Danny was real quiet like a man trying to hold on to a pleasant thought until Chuck asked, "How was your day?" In a peaceful, dreamy voice Danny replied, "Marvellous! I walked downhill until I found a railroad track and followed it a ways. I saw a women lying near the track, all tied up. Man! What a great body! I untied her and carried her under the trees. We had sex several times. Danny sighed with a soft, remembering smile. By this time Chuck was almost beside himself with excitement. "Damn, man," he whispered. "Did you get a blow job, too?" "No," said Danny with a frown. "I never did find her head."  
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uk1971
Joined Tue 04/10/07 Posts: 20596 |
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tkH1uldKg1A&feature=player_embedded
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uk1971
Joined Tue 04/10/07 Posts: 20596 |
I guess as most of you know, I tend to spend most of my time in the jokes and humour threads, and recently, I haven't been venturing away from there all that much.
However. Now that I have strayed, I just wanted to let my friends, (Those who are still around) lol), know I'm still here and available for online Birthday Parties, Engagements, Weddings, Anniversaries, and Bar Mitzivahs.   
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