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Topic:
Hers and His Diaries
Edited by
uk1971
on
Sat 09/14/13 03:19 AM
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How men and women record things in their diaries......
Wife's Diary: Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing..' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. We made love but I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.  -----Husband's Diary: A two-foot putt..........who the hell misses a two-foot putt?! Got laid though.  
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Topic:
Dog ain't SO smart
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A man was in a butchers shop when a dog walked in wearing a back pack.
It sat down and waited till the butcher went over to it. The butcher asked the dog what it wanted today. The dog pointed its’ nose at the ground beef. The butcher asked how much it wanted. The dog barked twice. The butcher wrapped up 2lb's of ground beef. The butcher asked it if there was anything else it wanted to order. The dog pointed its’ nose at the pork chops. Again the butcher asked how much. This time the dog barked 4 times. The butcher then asked, “Anything else?” The dog shook it's head.. The butcher reached into the dog's back pack and took out the money to pay for the order. He then placed the meat order in the back pack. The dog left the shop. The man that watched the whole deal go down just had to follow this smart doggy. He followed the dog to a house. Then watched as the dog stood on it's hind legs and pressed the door bell. The owner of the dog opened the door and let it in. The man said “You have one hell of a smart dog there pal.” The owner of the dog said “Not really. This is the second time this week he’s forgotten his damned front door key!”  
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A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down.
He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings " The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings." The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar." The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings." The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs." The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs." The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate 
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Pardon some of the language but it is part of the explaination.
The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500s: They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot and then once a day it was taken and sold to the tannery.......if you had to do this to survive you were "Piss Poor" But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't even afford to buy a pot......they "didn't have a pot to piss in" and were the lowest of the low Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and they still smelled pretty good by June.. However, since they were starting to smell . .. . brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married. Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water!" Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof.. Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs." There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence. The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, "Dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way. Hence: a thresh hold. (Getting quite an education, aren't you?) In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire.. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme: Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old. Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home the bacon.." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat. Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.. Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the 'upper crust.' Lead cup's were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.. England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus,someone could be, saved by the bell or was considered a 'dead ringer...' And that's the truth.... Now, whoever said English History was boring???? Feeling better. 
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Topic:
She Sped Up
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The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did too.
She began running. So I ran too. She screamed. So I screamed as well. I never even saw what we were running from.
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Trying to get my phone number.... I got this in an email. Look, they don't even include my name. Jerks. Hello, We recently went through your online profile and found some of your product interesting. Could you please send us the list and exact prices of your product in an excel or microsoft Word? So we can go through it, compare the prices and reply you with the list of our orders. Please understand that phone conversation will be one of our major factor to progress, so please do reply with a contact number with the price list. We will be expecting to read from you soon. Thanks I'm not one to scare monger, but perhaps you should NOT even have responded in the first place? NOW they obviously have YOUR email address, confirmed by your reply. Just be prepared for more spam and more junk mail.  'We will be expecting to read from you soon.'
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Edited by
uk1971
on
Wed 07/10/13 08:19 AM
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 Her hair was up in a ponytail, her favourite dress tied with a bow. Today was Daddy's Day at school, and she couldn't wait to go. But her mummy tried to tell her, that she probably should stay home. Why the kids might not understand, if she went to school alone. But she was not afraid; she knew just what to say. What to tell her classmates of why he wasn't there today. But still her mother worried, for her to face this day alone. And that was why once again, she tried to keep her daughter home. But the little girl went to school eager to tell them all, about a dad she never sees, a dad who never calls. There were daddies along the wall in back, for everyone to meet. Children squirming impatiently, anxious in their seats. One by one the teacher called a student from the class, to introduce their daddy, as seconds slowly passed. At last the teacher called her name, every child turned to stare, each of them was searching, a man who wasn't there. 'Where's her daddy at?' she heard a boy call out. 'She probably doesn't have one,' another student dared to shout. And from somewhere near the back, she heard a daddy say, 'Looks like another deadbeat dad, too busy to waste his day.' The words did not offend her, as she smiled up at her Mom, and looked back at her teacher, who told her to go on. And with hands behind her back, slowly she began to speak. And out from the mouth of a child, came words incredibly unique. 'My Daddy couldn't be here, because he lives so far away. But I know he wishes he could be, since this is such a special day. And though you cannot meet him, I wanted you to know, all about my daddy, and how much he loves me so. He loved to tell me stories, he taught me to ride my bike, and he surprised me with pink roses, and taught me how to fly a kite. We used to share fudge sundaes, and ice cream in a cone, and though you cannot see him, I'm not standing here alone. 'Cause my daddy's always with me, even though we are apart, I know because he told me, he'll forever be in my heart. With that, her little hand reached up, and lay across her chest, feeling her own heartbeat, beneath her favourite dress. And from somewhere here in the crowd of dads, her mother stood in tears, proudly watching her daughter, who was wise beyond her years. She stood up for the love of a man not in her life, doing what was best for her, doing what was right. And when she dropped her hand back down, staring straight into the crowd, she finished with a voice so soft, but its message clear and loud. 'I love my daddy very much, he's my shining star, and if he could, he'd be here, but heaven's just too far. You see he is a soldier and died just this past year, when a roadside bomb hit his convoy and taught the world to fear. But sometimes when I close my eyes, it's like he never went away.' And then she closed her eyes, and saw him there that day. And to her mother’s amazement, she witnessed with surprise. A room full of daddies and children, all starting to close their eyes. Who knows what they saw before them, who knows what they felt inside. Perhaps for merely a second, they saw him at her side. 'I know you're with me Daddy,' to the silence she called out. And what happened next made believers, of those once filled with doubt. Not one in that room could explain it, for each of their eyes had been closed. But there on the desk beside her, was a fragrant long-stemmed rose. And a child was blessed, if only for a moment, by the love of her shining star. And given the gift of believing, that heaven is never too far |
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Topic:
Pope In America
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Pope: 'Christians must think about God all the time.'
But thinking too much could actually make them atheists. 
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Edited by
uk1971
on
Sun 07/07/13 12:12 AM
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The wrestling coach is getting the team ready for the State Championships. The smallest and weakest wrestler was nervous about the competition. The coach tells him not to worry. "I know you haven't won a single match all year, but by the time you wrestle, we should be so far ahead it won't matter if you lose." So, the team goes out on the floor and after all but the last match, they are in a dead heat tie for the lead. The last match was to determine the state title. The coach pulls his wrestler aside and tells him, "I know you have never won a match, and he has never lost a match, but try and stay away from him and maybe nobody will get any points. And no matter what you don't let him get you in the "pretzel hold". No one has ever gotten out of it." The wrestler said, he would stay away. The two wrestlers squared off in the centre of the mat. The referee blew his whistle and in less then 3 seconds, he has him in the pretzel hold. The coach throws his arms up in the air and starts to walk off the floor. All of a sudden the home town crowd jumps to their feet and start cheering and yelling. The coach turns around and the referee is standing there holding his wrestler's arm up in the air, and the other wrestler is laying on the floor. The coach starts jumping up and down and hugging his wrestler, and asks "How the hell did you get out of the pretzel hold?" The kid looks at him and says, "Well, when he got me in the pretzel hold, I thought I was done for. Then I opened my eyes and all I could see were two testicles dangling down in front of my face. So I reached out and bit them as hard as I could. And, you know something coach? It's amazing the surge of strength you get when you bite your own balls."
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Topic:
Vus titzukh
Edited by
uk1971
on
Sun 07/07/13 12:06 AM
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President Obama calls the head of the CIA and asks,
"How come the Jews know everything before we do?" The CIA chief says, "The Jews have this expression, "Vus titzukh?" The President asks, "What does that mean?" "Well, Mr. President," replies the CIA Chief, "It's a Yiddish expression which roughly translates to 'What's happening?' They just ask each other…and they know everything." The President decides to go undercover to determine if this is true. He gets dressed up as an Orthodox Jew, is secretly flown in an unmarked plane to New York, picked up in an unmarked car and dropped off in Brooklyn's most Orthodox Jewish neighbourhood. Soon, a little old Jewish man comes shuffling along. The President stops him and whispers, "Vus titzukh?" The old guy whispers back, "Obama's in Brooklyn."
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If you haven't been around for a while, feel free to reintroduce yourself and meet old friends here.
I myself have been in and out occasionally and not as often mainly because I underwent heart surgery just over a year ago. and have spent quite a bit of time recovering and am now retired due to ill health. So I am now back to haunt the jokes forum once again . And to catch up with old friends and maybe make some new friends also.   
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Topic:
Take the 2nd letter - part 7
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Lucidity
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Pyramids
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Works as a sanitary towel fitter in a nunnery.
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Prehistoric
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Topic:
Take the 2nd letter - part 7
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Ventricular
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Topic:
Take the 2nd letter - part 7
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Surprise
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Hungry
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Flesh
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Topic:
Take the 2nd letter - part 7
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Radiology
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