100% FREE ONLINE DATING
sponsored links
|
Topic:
MY Favourite One Liners
Edited by
uk1971
on
Fri 04/26/13 03:24 PM
|
|
Just had margarita cocktail.
Didn't taste like pizza at all.   
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Topic:
MY Favourite One Liners
|
|
Crime in multi-storey car parks.
That is wrong on so many different levels. Phil Taylor asked me why I put superglue on one of his darts. I said "You just can't let it go can you?" I saw this advert in a window that said: “Television for sale, €1, volume stuck on full.” I thought, “I can’t turn that down.” I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again. Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes So I said to a Scottsman 'Did you have? terrible spots as a kid?' He said 'ac ne' Do you ever get that when you're half way through eating a horse and you think to yourself, 'I'm not as hungry as I thought I was' Exit signs? They're on the way out! Black Beauty? Now there's a dark horse! Velcro? What a rip-off! I was mugged by a man on crutches, wearing camouflage. 'Ha ha,' I thought, 'You can hide but you can't run.' Does an earl who gets an OBE become an earlobe? When the kids in the playground first discovered I had a possibly fatal allergy to peanuts, they used to push me up against the wall and make me play Russian roulette with a packet of Revels. I was walking along the road the other day and on the pavement I saw a white baby ghost. However, come to think of it, it may have been a tissue. If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that. Old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets over their legs, I don’t think so. Retired mermaids! I don’t know if you’ve ever fallen asleep whilst eating a plate of cauliflower, and then woken up, and thought you were in the clouds. So I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck. Turns out I phoned dial a lama. If they make it illegal to wear the veil at work, bee keepers are going to be furious! Incredible to think isn’t it, that every single Scotsman started off as a scotch egg. Old and gingery. Sometimes I wonder what my grandfather would think of what I do. He spent his whole life in the kebab business, was buried with all his equipment. Probably turning in his grave. The pollen count, now that’s a difficult job. Especially if you’ve got hay fever. Militant feminists: I take my hat off to them. They don’t like that. AND FINALLY........... DON'T go camping in the countryside. Have you ever noticed that if a body is found in the countryside, it's always in a tent? 
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Edited by
uk1971
on
Wed 04/24/13 01:59 AM
|
|
Crime in multi-storey car parks.
That is wrong on so many different levels. Phil Taylor asked me why I put superglue on one of his darts. I said "You just can't let it go can you?" I saw this advert in a window that said: “Television for sale, €1, volume stuck on full.” I thought, “I can’t turn that down.” I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again. Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes So I said to a Scottsman 'Did you have? terrible spots as a kid?' He said 'ac ne' Do you ever get that when you're half way through eating a horse and you think to yourself, 'I'm not as hungry as I thought I was' Exit signs? They're on the way out! Black Beauty? Now there's a dark horse! Velcro? What a rip-off! I was mugged by a man on crutches, wearing camouflage. 'Ha ha,' I thought, 'You can hide but you can't run.' Does an earl who gets an OBE become an earlobe? When the kids in the playground first discovered I had a possibly fatal allergy to peanuts, they used to push me up against the wall and make me play Russian roulette with a packet of Revels. I was walking along the road the other day and on the pavement I saw a white baby ghost. However, come to think of it, it may have been a tissue. If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that. Old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets over their legs, I don’t think so. Retired mermaids! I don’t know if you’ve ever fallen asleep whilst eating a plate of cauliflower, and then woken up, and thought you were in the clouds. So I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck. Turns out I phoned dial a lama. If they make it illegal to wear the veil at work, bee keepers are going to be furious! Incredible to think isn’t it, that every single Scotsman started off as a scotch egg. Old and gingery. Sometimes I wonder what my grandfather would think of what I do. He spent his whole life in the kebab business, was buried with all his equipment. Probably turning in his grave. The pollen count, now that’s a difficult job. Especially if you’ve got hay fever. Militant feminists: I take my hat off to them. They don’t like that. AND FINALLY........... DON'T go camping in the countryside. Have you ever noticed that if a body is found in the countryside, it's always in a tent?
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Topic:
5 Old Ladies
Edited by
uk1971
on
Thu 04/04/13 10:49 PM
|
|
A Police Officer was waiting along the side of a highway waiting to catch speeding drivers.
There weren't as many violators this day as usual. The State Police Officer sees an old car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies-two in the front seat and three in the back-wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...twenty-two miles an hour!" the old dear says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks with concern. "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 215."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
If x is the centre and y is at the outer limit, calculate the distance from a to z via b, c and w
ALGEBRA  Is there ANYTHING more pointless? WHAT possible productive usage does it have. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
WARNING GROANER ALERT!!!
A guy's enjoying his drink at the bar when he hears a tiny voice saying, "That's a nice shirt you're wearing tonight." He looks around, then realizes that no one is there. He shrugs it off and continues drinking. A couple minutes later he hears another tiny voice saying, "You look really handsome with your hair combed like that." Once again he looks around, and once again realizes that nobody is talking to him. He calls the bartender over and tells him about the tiny voices. The bartender asks him what the voices are saying. When the guy tells him, the bartender says, "Oh. No need to worry. Those are the peanuts. They're complimentary." There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet. After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?" The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees." The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked. "She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man'." AND FINALLY Latest additions for modern definitions * SALAD DODGER. An excellent phrase for an overweight person. * SWAMP-DONKEY A deeply unattractive person. * TESTICULATING. Waving your arms around and talking bollocks. * BLAMESTORMING. Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a Project failed, and who was responsible. * SEAGULL MANAGER. A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and Then leaves. * ASSMOSIS. The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard. * SALMON DAY. The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die. * CUBE FARM. An office filled with cubicles. * PRAIRIE DOGGING. When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.) * SINBAD. Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate. * AEROPLANE BLONDE. One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'. * PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE. The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again. * ADMINISPHERE. The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless paperwork and processes. * 404. Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found" meaning that the requested document could not be located. * AUSSIE KISS. Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under. * OH - NO SECOND. That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just Made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all'). * GREYHOUND. A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare. *MILLENNIUM DOMES. The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing. * MYSTERY BUS. The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the Toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in. * BEER COAT. The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise At 3:00am. * BEER COMPASS. The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from. * TART FUEL. Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women. * PICASSO BUM. A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's Got 4 buttocks. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
Topic:
'Coleman Balls'
Edited by
uk1971
on
Sat 03/16/13 01:52 AM
|
|
Many years ago, when sports commentators began making gaffes,
they were christened 'Coleman Balls' after the veteran BBC Sports Commentator David Coleman. HIS gaffes have been regarded as some of the funniest of all time. Here are his most memorable, PLUS a few others. Sports Commentator's Quotes "And here's Moses Kiptanui, the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago." (David Coleman) "Its a great advantage to be able to hurdle with both legs" (David Coleman) "There's going to be a real ding-dong when the bell goes." (David Coleman) "There is Brendan Foster, by himself, with 20,000 people." (David Coleman) 'Morcelli has four fastest 1500-metre times ever. And all those times are at 1500 metres.' (David Coleman) 'Her time is about 4.33, which she's capable of.' (David Coleman) 'There goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class' (David Coleman at The Montreal Olympics) "We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of the race, only exactly the opposite." (Murray Walker F1 racing) After playing Cameroon in the 1990 world cup finals: "We didn't underestimate them. They were just a lot better than we thought." (Bobby Robson Ex England Soccer manager) On the difficulties of adjusting to playing football and living in Italy: "It was like being in a foreign country." (Ian Rush) Soccer player Jimmy Hill: (Sports commentator "Don't sit on the fence Terry. What chance do you think Germany has of getting through? Terry Venables: (Ex England Football manager) "I think it's 50-50." "I was in a no-win situation, so I'm glad that I won rather than lost." (Frank Bruno) Boxer "The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical." (Murray Walker F1 commentator) "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." (Greg Norman Golfer) "There have been injuries and deaths in boxing, but none of them serious." (Alan Minter Ex Boxer) "Watch the time. It gives you an indication of how fast they are running." (Ron Pickering) Sports commentator "Just under 10 seconds for Nigel Mansel. Call it 9.5 seconds in round numbers." (Murray Walker) F1 Commentator "A brain Scan revealed that Andrew Cadcock is not suffering from stress fracture of the shin." (Jo Sheldon) Athletics "That's inches away from being millimetre perfect." (Ted Lowe) Snooker commentator "I'll fight Lloyd Honeyghan for nothing if the price is right." (Marlon Starling) "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again." (Terry Venables) Soccer "I can't tell who's leading. It's either Oxford or Cambridge." (John Snagg - Boat Race between Oxford and Cambridge) "The Queen's Park Oval, exactly as its name suggests, is absolutely round." (Tony Crozier) Cricket 'This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother. (Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator) "He's pulling him off! The Spanish manager is pulling his captain off!" (RTE's George Hamilton on Spain manager Luis Suarez's substitution of Butragueno during their world cup qualifier with Ireland in Seville,1992) Soccer "The black players at this club lend the side a lot of skill and flair, but you also need white players in there to balance things up and give the team some brains and some common sense." (Crystal Palace chairman Ron Noades, speaking in 1991). Soccer "Bill Frindal has done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator" (John Arlott) Cricket "We actually got the winner three minutes from the end but then they equalized" (Ian McNail) Soccer "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body" (Winston Bennett) Basketball "The racecourse is as level as a billiard ball" (John Francombe) Horse Racing We'll still be happy if we lose. It's on at the same time as the Beer Festival' (Noel O' Mahony, Cork City boss before the game in Munich) Soccer 'I would not say he (David Ginola) is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better'. (Ron Atkinson). Soccer He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it - you can see it all over their faces.' (Ron Atkinson) Soccer 'I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat' (Ron Atkinson) Soccer 'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew.' (Harry Carpenter - BBC TV Boat Race 1977) 'Here we are in the Holy Land of Israel - a Mecca for tourists.' (David Vine) 'Julian ****s is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven ****s on the field.' (Metro Radio) ' ....and later we will have action from the men's cockless pairs ....' (Sue Barker). Dennis Pennis: 'Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?' Chris Eubank: 'On what ?' (Boxing) 'Sex is an anti-climax after that !' Grand National-winning jockey Mark Fitzgerald (Horse Racing) 'Well, you gave the horse a wonderful ride, everybody saw that' (Desmond Lynam) Sports commentator 'To play Holland, you have to play the Dutch.' (Ruud Gullit) Soccer 'Well , either side could win it, or it could be a draw.' (Ron Atkinson) Soccer 'For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the all-yellow strip' (John Motson) Soccer commentator 'Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer.' (David Acfield) Soccer 'What will you do when you leave football, Jack, will you stay in football?' (Stuart Hall - Radio 5 live ) 'These greens are so fast they must bikini wax them' (Gary McCord on the greens at Augusta) Golf 'For those of you watching in black and white, the pink is just behind the yellow.' Ted Lowe - Veteran Snooker presenter |
|
|
|
|
|
|
Edited by
uk1971
on
Fri 03/15/13 08:26 AM
|
|
Wouldn't like to hear the words....
You are just a sperm donor.  Do you WANT to be a sperm donor? Nothing against practising though.  
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
I am disabled too so no question of money. Only true love. IF you are disabled as you say, then why isn't it specified on your profile? 
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
A guy was waiting in the down-town L. A. bus station for the bus to Pasadena.
He spotted a machine with a sign that read: YOUR HEIGHT, YOUR WEIGHT, YOUR FORTUNE $1.00 He stepped on the scale and dropped a dollar bill in the slot. Out came a card that said: "You are 5 feet 10 inches tall. You weigh 160 pounds, and you are waiting for the bus to Pasadena." The guy thought, "How did that machine know that? Well, I'll fool it!" He went downstairs to the men's room, rolled up his coat collar, pulled down the brim of his hat, and put on a fake beard. He tiptoed back up the stairs, sneaked along the wall, spun around and jumped on the scale and quickly placed another dollar in the slot. Out came a card that read: "You are 5 feet 10 inches tall, you weigh 160 pounds, And while you were screwing around down in the men's room, you missed the bus to Pasadena."  |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
As you are recovering after surgery, the surgeon who performed the operation bounding into the recovery room and asking,
"Has anyone seen my golf clubs?" 
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Topic:
Physchiatric Helpline
|
|
The State Mental Hospital.
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital. Please select from the following options menu: If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway. If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696. If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have low self-esteem, please hang up; our operators are too busy to talk with you. If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, "Eat a HUGE CHOCOLATE BAR", lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever. If you are blonde, don't press any buttons; you'll just mess it up.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
There was an extremely thrifty painter named Wayne who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.
As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings. Wayne put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job. So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine. Well, Wayne was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Wayne clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by tell tale puddles of the thinned and useless paint. Wayne was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried: "Oh, God, forgive me; what should I do?" And through then sound of the thunder the thunder, a mighty voice spoke... = = = = = = = = Ready = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = Don't say you weren't warned = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = Sorry about this... = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
After consulting fertility specialists to improve his virility, an older man went to Asia and had an implant of chimpanzee glands.
In time, and after many attempts, his wife became pregnant and ultimately went into labour. After an endless wait in the reception room, the father was thrilled to see the doctor appear. "Congratulations," the doctor said. "You're the father of a fine baby." "Is it a boy or a girl?" "We don't know yet. It won't come down from the chandelier!"
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
At a loss as to why this is in the Jokes and humour forum?
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Topic:
50
|
|
50 I went to the doctors the other day and he said:
"Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu." So I went - and I got it. 49 A seal walks into a club... 48 Went to the corner shop - bought four corners. 47 So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants. It was Wedgie Kray. 46 I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything - trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself. 45 I tried water polo but my horse drowned. 44 A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and says: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw." 43 You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, He's a Catholic converter. 42 I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags. He's bisatchel. 41 Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it. 40 I said to this train driver: "I want to go to Paris." He said: "Eurostar?" I said: "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin." 39 My phone will ring at 2am and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?" I say, "I don't know. If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone." 38 A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train load of terrapins. What a turtle disaster. 37 I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts". Well, YES. That's what I bought them for. You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out. 36 I backed a horse last week at 10 to one. It came in at quarter past four. 35 I went down to my local supermarket and I said: "I want to make a complaint. This vinegar's got lumps in it". He said: "Those are pickled onions." 34 A man entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in 10 different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in 10 did. 33 I was having dinner with Garry Kasparov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt. 32 Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says: "Oi - get out. We don't want your type in here." 31 I'm in a Chinese restaurant and this duck comes up with a red rose and says: "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds." I said: "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck." 30 I'm in a great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a year's supply of Marmite - one jar. 29 I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said: "Are you two an item?" 28 A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their tournament victories. After an hour, the manager came out and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." 27 Went to the paper shop - it had blown away. 26 I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair. 25 I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up and said: "Did you get my drift?" 24 A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: "Sorry, we don't serve food in here." 23 A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says: "Is this some kind of joke?" 22 Slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace. 21 A jumplead walks into a bar. The barman says: "I'll serve you, but don't start anything." 20 I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up for a date but she'd popped her clogs. 19 I rang up BT. I said: "I want to report a nuisance caller." He said: "Not you again." 18 "My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that." 17 When Susan's boyfriend proposed, she said: "I love the simple things in life but I don't want one of them for my husband." 16 I went to buy camouflage trousers but I couldn't find any. 15 Two fish in a tank. One says: "How do you drive this thing?" 14 A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to Spain and is named Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving it, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband said: "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal." 13 I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. I thought: "He's trying to pull a fast one." 12 My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed. I never knew they worked! 11 Went to the doctors and said: "Have you got anything for wind?" He gave me a kite. 10 A man walks into a bar with a roll of Tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road." 9 I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost three days already. 8 "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass Of Home." He said: "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" I asked. "It's not unusual," he replied. 7 Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The reception was brilliant. 6 Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off. 5 I said to the gym instructor: "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said: "How flexible are you?" I said: "I can't make Tuesdays." 4 A young blonde fears her husband is having an affair. She goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she finds him in bed with a redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps off the bed and starts begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically, the blonde responds to the husband: "Shut up, you're next." 3 A dyslexic man walks into a bra. 2 Went to the zoo. There was only one dog in it. It was a shi tzu. 1 A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me." The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Edited by
uk1971
on
Mon 02/11/13 12:49 PM
|
|
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car? A: She burned her lips on the tailpipe. Q: Why are blondes like cornflakes ? A: Because they're simple, easy and they taste good. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? A: Because she got an F in sex. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's a blondes favorite nursery rhyme? A: Humpme Dumpme. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why are there lipstick stains on the steering wheel after a blonde drives a car? A: Because she blows the horn. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob? A: Because everybody gets a turn. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why is a blonde like railroad tracks? A: Because she's been laid all over the country. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Did you hear about the blonde lesbian? A: She kept having affairs with men. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10? A: She picks up her purse and goes home. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: To a blonde, what is long and hard? A: Grade 4. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What is the definition of the perfect woman? A: A deaf and dumb blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a pub. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why is a blonde like an old washing machine? A: They both drip when they're ****ed. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How would a blonde punctuate the following?: "Fun fun fun worry worry worry" A: Fun period fun period fun NO PERIOD worry worry worry. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's a blonde's idea of safe sex? A: Locking the car door. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why did the blonde keep failing her driver's test? A: Because every time the door opened, she jumped into the back seat. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car? A: She burned her lips on the tailpipe. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How does a blonde interpret 6.9? A: A 69 interrupted by a period. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between a blonde having her period and a terrorist? A: You can negotiate with a terrorist. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why do blondes have periods? A: They deserve them. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why did the blonde smile when she walked the marriage aisle? A: She realized she gave her last blowjob. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What did the blonde do when she got her period? A: Looked around for the bastard that must have shot her. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why did they call the blonde "twinkie"? A: She liked to be filled with cream. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between a blonde track team and a tribe of sly pygmies? A: One's a bunch a cunning runts. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a toilet? A: A toilet won't follow you around after you use it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster? A: In the morning a rooster says, "Cock'll-doodl-doooo", while a blonde says, "Any-cock'll-doooo." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and a blonde? A: The prostitute says, "Aren't you done yet?" The nympho says, "Are you done already?" The blonde says, "Beige...I think I'll paint the ceiling beige." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How can you tell when a blonde is dating? A: By the buckle print on her forehead. 40 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How can you tell who is a blonde's boyfriend? A: He's the one with the belt buckle the matches the impression in her forehead. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call two nuns and a blonde? A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why did the blonde cross the road? A1: Forget the road, what was she doing out of the bedroom!? A2: I don't know. A3: Neither did she. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. How can you tell that a blondes having a bad day. A. She has a tampon tucked behind her ear, and she can't find her pencil. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do blondes wear behind their ears to attract men. A: Their heels. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs? A: They don't know the route. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board? A: It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What is foreplay for a blonde? A: Thirty minutes of begging. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a broom closet? A: Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a phone booth? A1: You need a quarter to use the phone. A2: Only one person can use the phone at once. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What is the best blonde secretary in the world to have? A: One that never misses a period. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What two things in the air can get a blonde pregnant? A: Her feet. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the disease that paralyzes blondes below the waist? A: Marriage. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How is a blonde like a frying pan? A: You have to get them hot before you put in the meat. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you describe the perfect blonde? A: 3 feet tall, no teeth, and a flat head to rest your beer on. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between a pit bull and a blonde with PMS? A: Lipstick. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why do blondes have big bellybuttons? A: From dating blonde men. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call a blonde lesbian? A: A waste. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call 4 blondes lying on the ground? A: An air mattress. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call a hooker and four blondes? A: Regular price, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg? A: Nothing. They've never met. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning? A1: Introduces herself. A2: Walks home. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between Indiana and a blonde? A: A blonde has larger hills and deeper valleys. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a Porsche? A: You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush? A: You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common? A: Chances are they'll both end up in the gutter. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What is the difference between a blonde and "The Titanic"? A: They know how many men went down on "The Titanic". -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What is the difference between a blonde and the Grand Old Duke of York? A: The Grand Old Duke of York only 'had' 10000 men. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What did the blonde's mom say to her before the blondes date? A: If you're not in bed by 12, come home. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs? A: "Nice ****" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why does a blonde have fur on the hem of her dress? A: To keep her ankles warm. A2: To keep her neck warm -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What does a blonde look like after sex? A: I don't know I am already gone. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What does an airplane and a blonde have in common? A: They both have a cockpit -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms? A: Way to go team. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why is a blonde like a stamp? A: They both get licked, stuck, and then sent on their way. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why is a blonde like a shotgun? A: Give her a cock and she's ready to blow. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why do saunas remind some people of blondes? A: Because they're both steaming and wet when you enter, and they don't mind if you bring friends. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why are blondes like TVs? A: Any three year old can turn them on. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's one thing everybody sees in a blonde? A: A ****. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between a mosquito and a blonde? A: When you slap a mosquito, it will stop sucking. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the Atlantic Coast? A: The Atlantic Coast has fewer crabs. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you give a blonde more headroom? A: Adjust the steering wheel. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What is the difference between a blonde and most men? A: The blonde has the higher sperm count. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What does a blonde use for protection during sex? A: A bus shelter. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between blondes and McDonald's? A: A blonde serves more people in a night. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper? A: So she could lip read. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why don't they let Blondes swim in the ocean? A: Because they can't get the smell out of the tuna. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you make a blondes eyes twinkle? A: Shine a flashlight in her ear. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common? A: They're both empty from the neck up. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What does a blonde owl say? A: What, what? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? A: To see what was on the other side. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back? A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK". -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat? A: In case she locks the keys in her car. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why did God create blondes? A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why did God create brunettes? A: Neither could the blondes. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch? A: To turn the blinker off. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car? A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane? A: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months? A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you confuse a blonde? A: Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why does it work? A: "Does 3 come before E or does it go between M and W?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why did the blonde call the welfare office? A: She wanted to know how to cook food stamps. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Did you hear about the blond skydiver? A: She missed the Earth. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What is the difference between a blonde and an inflatable doll? A: About 2 cans of hair spray. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives? A: The vegetable garden. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How many blondes does it take to play tag? A: One. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call four Blondes in a Volkswagon? A: Far-from-thinkin. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios? A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra? A: Spot. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's a blondes favourite rock group? A: Air Supply. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short? A1: So brunettes can remember them. A2: Because blondes are so shallow, a long joke wouldn't fit. A3: So men can understand them. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs? A: They keep breaking them with the hammers. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde? A: Perri-air. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote? A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head? A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What is a blonde's favorite part of a gas station? A: The Air Pump. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air? A: She missed. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH? A: A blonde going through a flashing red light. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance? A: 144 blondes. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater? A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter". -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning? A: It swells at night. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces. A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? A: She moved. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A: A blonde parade. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch a cold? A: They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes? A: Frosted Flakes. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails? A: To cover up the valve stem. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blondes head? A: A Space Invader. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you see when you look into a blondes eyes? A: The back of her head. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why do blondes drive VW's? A: Because they can't spell Porsche. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday mornings? A: Tell them a joke on Friday night. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case? A: Branch Manager. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? A: She fell out of the tree. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids? A1: So they know if it is morning or afternoon. A2: So that when they're on the train they can tell if they're going to work or coming home. 48 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call a smart blonde? A1: A golden retriever. A2: A labrador. A3: An indicator of a really bad hangover. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why are blondes hurt by people's words? A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies? A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory? A: Proofreading. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory? A: For throwing out the W's. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet? A: Last year's hide and seek champ. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a supermarket trolley? A: The supermarket trolley has a mind of its own. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel? A: An air bag. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What did they name the offspring of a blonde and a Puerto Rican? A: Retardo. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence? A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week? A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase? A: "It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday mornings? A: Tell them a joke on Friday night. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How does a blonde commit suicide? A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you plant dope? A: Bury a blonde. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree? A: Wave to her. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How does a blonde get pregnant? A: And I thought blondes were dumb. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you confuse a blonde? A: You don't. They're born that way. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk? A: The cow fell on her. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How did the blonde burn her nose? A: Bobbing for french fries. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries? A: She has a checkbook. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde? A: There is a stamp on it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook? A: She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink? A: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Q: Why do blondes like lightning? A: They think someone is taking their picture. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner? A: Reservations. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How did the blonde kill her toy poodle? A: Trying to put batteries in it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Someone asked if a blonde believed in smoking. A: She said "Yes, I've seen it done." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why does a blonde have an IQ 1 point higher than a policehorse? A: So she won't **** on the street during a parade. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you drive a blonde crazy? A: Hide her hairbrush. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do blonde braincells die? A: Alone. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells? A: Pregnant. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up? A: To catch everything that goes over their heads. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger? A: You can park in the handicap zone. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer? A: You only have to punch information into a computer once. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles? A: Because they can't get their head in the jar. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How many blondes does it take to make a circuit? A: Two, One to stand in the bathtub, and another to pass her the blow dryer. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the mating call of the blonde? A: "I'm *sooo* drunk!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde? A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's a brunette's mating call? A: Has that blonde gone yet? A2: When is that blonde going to leave? A3: "All the blondes have gone home" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side? A: An interpreter. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes? A: A mental block. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it? A: A thought. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What does "Bones" McCoy say before he performs brain surgery on a blonde? A: "Space. The final frontier..." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's brown and red and black and blue? A: A brunette who's told one too many blonde jokes. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear? A: Data transfer. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why do blondes have more fun? A1: Because they don't know any better. A2: They are easier to keep amused. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb? A1: "What's a lightbulb?" A2: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her. A3: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's a blonde's favourite wine? A: "Daaaddy, I want to go to Miaaami!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes? A: A wine cellar. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why are there no dumb brunettes? A: Peroxide. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What does a blonde say when she gives birth? A: Gee, Are you sure it's mine? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a hand grenade at you? A: Pull the pin and throw it back. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? A: Her IQ goes up. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot? A: Bigfoot has been spotted. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do blondes and cow-pats have in common? A: They both get easier to pick-up with age. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you drown a blonde? A1: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool. A2: Don't tell her to swallow. A3: Leave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts? A: Change. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense? A: (I'll tell you tomorrow.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a gorilla? A: Who knows, there is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird? A: She threw it off a cliff. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How does a blonde kill a fish? A: She drowns it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours? A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots? A: Flattered. PHEW. Glad THAT'S over
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Topic:
Sorry About This One Ladies
Edited by
uk1971
on
Fri 02/08/13 03:21 AM
|
|
While examining his lady patient, the doctor tells her:
"Your heart, lungs, pulse & BP are fine. Now let me see that little thing which gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble." The lady started taking off her clothes. Doctor, stopping her says: "No! No! Just show me your tongue." 
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Topic:
Thought for the Week
Edited by
uk1971
on
Mon 02/04/13 01:48 AM
|
|
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK.
If you live on your own, feeling down, in need of a cuddle, and no one else is around, Try wearing a tight t.shirt....!!!! 
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Topic:
A Grizzled Old Man
|
|
A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels bikers walked in.
The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man's milk and then he took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter. Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?" The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles." 
|
|
|
|
|
Previous
