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Edited by
uk1971
on
Thu 04/28/11 11:25 PM
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Dear Sir,
I would like to report an incident which occurred to my new bar cellar man, Mr Jack Dawson. As you well know, owing to the refurbishment of the Queens Head Public House after the recent fire, a great new deal of equipment has been installed. The tragic accident to Mr Dawson occurred during the tapping of the new type of barrel for the first time. A brief description of the incident is as follows:- The first thing he had to do was to see that the bunghole was clear so that there would be no trouble in setting the cork hole and bunghole on the same level. To achieve this, he bored an eye-hole near the cork-hole on about the same level as the bung-hole. Unfortunately, there was a pot-hole near the manhole in the cellar floor, and in trying to drill the eyehole, he slipped and, instead of inserting the bung in the bund-hole, he drove the bung-hole up his arsehole. He was bending at the time, and the bunghole went clean through his arsehole, and out through his ear-hole. You will gather, as I am sure, that the poor chap was in something of a dilemma. He could either put his arm in the cork-hole and draw the barrel through the bunghole, or put his foot through his arm-hole, and pull the barrel through his arsehole. He decided to do neither, but to cut a new hole near the cork-hole, which was blocking up his arsehole. The eye-hole, which you might term, the peep-hole, enabled him to see his ear-hole through his arsehole, but preventing him from tapping the barrel, because in putting his foot through his armhole, he caught his bollocks in the bung-hole. So, in desperation, he stuck a pipe in the cork-hole near the bung-hole, laid the barrel on the man-hole near the pothole, drove a wedge between his bollocks and the bunghole, and pulled the barrel backwards through his arsehole. Yours sincerely, Sue Chandler (Landlady) P.S. He was then able to tap the barrel with little or no inconvenience whatsoever.     |
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Topic:
NEVER
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NEVER have baked beans and sprouts on your menu on the SAME day.............
ESPECIALLY if you are in a relatively new relationship. The results during any physical activities over the following days and evenings may prove to be disasterous.  |
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Topic:
Cat Diaries
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Day 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
Day 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed. Day 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep deprivation, incessant pleas for food at all hours of the night. Day 767 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan. Day 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time, however, it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth. Day 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. Day 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and may be snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue, something akin to mole speak, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time... Day 784 - Glimmer of hope today, at long last! My captors left the large, glass back door open for a split second too long. My escape would have been complete if not for a fiendish piece of material known as a “screen”. It is almost completely invisible in certain light so went undetected. Slight satisfaction knowing I caused a rather large tear in the material, but my happiness was short-lived since my jailors repaired it the very next day. I must plan future escapes with pinpoint accuracy to have any chance of success.
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Topic:
IRS Audit
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The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.
The auditor says, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.' 'I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Ralph. 'How about a demonstration?' The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.' Ralph says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.' The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.' Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Ralph says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.' Now the auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous. 'Want to go double or nothing?' Ralph asks. 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.' The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. 'Are you okay?' the auditor asks. 'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it..!" Original Source Unknown |
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Topic:
Passport Renewal
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Dear Mr. Minister,
I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this. How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a t.v. cable from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date. For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have on my social insurance card, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my health insurance card, my driver's license, on the last eight goddamn passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done at election times. Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!! I apologize, Mr. Minister. I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bullshi t! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my f**ckin' address. What is going on? You have a gang of Neanderthal a$$holes workin' there! Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for fü ck sakes. I just want to go and park my a$$ on a sandy beach. And would someone please tell me, why would you give a sh it whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone! Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city and get another copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60!!! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day??? Nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some a$$hole to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture- you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! Hey, you know why we can't smile? We're totally pissed off! Signed - An Irate Canadian Citizen. P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 when one of my forefathers took up arms against the Americans. I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had security clearances up the yingyang. I was aide de camp to the lieutenant governor of our province for ten years and I have been doing volunteer work for the RCMP for about five years. However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know,someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN COMMUNIST FÜ CKING CHINA !!!!!!
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Topic:
Chinese Noodle Soup
Edited by
uk1971
on
Thu 04/21/11 01:27 PM
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A guy is in a Chinese restaurant eating a bowl of soup when he suddenly stands up and rushes out.
The Chinese waiter chases him down the road with a meat cleaver in his hand shouting, "Hey. You no pay. You no pay!" The guy shouts back at him , "Up yours!" The Chinese waiter notices that the guy who is quite some way ahead of him, runs into the local house of ill repute. He follows the man in, and says to the owner, "Where he go. Where he go?" Seeing the meat cleaver in his hand, she decides to tell him. she doesn't envy the idea of maybe ending up herself on the menu. "Up the stairs, second room on the right." The Chinese waiter rushes up the stairs and bursts into the room where he sees a naked hooker with her legs spread at 9.15 the guy who is also naked and has his head between her legs. "HEY. why you no pay?????" He shouts. The guy extricates his head from between the girls legs and says, "There was a hair in my soup!" "But you have a mouthful of hair there!" Says the Chinaman. "Yeah," Replies the guy. "And if I find a noodle in there, SHE ain't getting paid either!"
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A Scotsman, an Englishman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, a Kiwi, a Springbok, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, a Frenchman, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, a Norwegian, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, and a Swiss all went to a nightclub.....
The doorman said . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai." |
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When I'm old, I'll live with each kid, and bring so much happiness, just as they did. I want to pay back all the joy they provided. Returning each deed! Oh, they'll be so excited! (When I'm old and live with my kids) I'll write on the wall with reds, whites and blues, and I'll bounce on the furniture wearing only my shoes. I'll drink from the carton and then leave it out. I'll stuff all the toilets and oh, how they'll shout! (When I'm old and live with my kids) When they're on the phone and just out of reach, I'll get into things like sugar and bleach. Oh, they'll snap their fingers and then shake their head, and when that is done, I'll hide under the bed! (When I'm old and live with my kids) When they cook dinner and call me to eat, I'll not eat my green beans or salad or meat, I'll gag on my okra, spill milk on the table, And when they get angry, I'll run, if I am able! (When I'm old and live with my kids) I'll sit close to the tv, through the channels I'll click, I'll cross both eyes just to see if they stick. I'll take off my socks and throw one away, and play in the mud till the end of the day! (When I'm old and live with my kids) And later in bed, I'll lay back and sigh, I'll thank God in prayer and then close my eyes. My kids will look down with a smile slowly creeping, and say with a groan, "He's so sweet when he's sleeping!" (When I'm old and live with my kids) 
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With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth.
When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit. 'May I see the new baby?' I asked 'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.' Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?' 'No, not yet,' She said. After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?' 'No, not yet,' replied my friend. Yet again. Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?' 'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me, irately 'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?' 'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM,O.K.?'... |
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Summer Classes for Women at
THE ADULT LEARNING CENTRE REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED By Friday, April 29th, 2011 NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS. Class 1 Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM.. Class 2 Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours? Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours. Class 3 Is It Possible To Drive Past Marks & Spencer Without Stopping?--Group Debate. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours. Class 4 Fundamental Differences Between a Handbag and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks. Class 5 Curling Tongs--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet? Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning At 7:00 PM Class 6 How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Programme. Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM Class 7 Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos? Open Forum. Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours. Class 8 Health Watch -They Make Medicine for PMT - and How To Use It! Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours. Class 9 I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined. Class 10 How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim. Driving Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours. Class 11 Learning to Live - How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windscreen Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined. Class 12 How to Shop by Yourself. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM. Upon completion of ANY of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
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Edited by
uk1971
on
Fri 04/08/11 08:01 AM
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Don't scroll past the animals until you have decided upon your answer.
The Banana Test There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals, A Lion, A Chimp, A Giraffe, ...AND... A Squirrel They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree. Who do you guess will win? Your answer will reflect your personality. So think carefully . . . Try and answer within 10 seconds. Got your answer? Now scroll down to see the analysis. : : : : : : : : : : : If your answer is: Lion = you're dull. Chimpanzee = you're dense. Giraffe = you're a complete moron. Squirrel = you're hopeless. A COCONUT TREE DOESN'T HAVE BANANAS!!!! Obviously you're stressed and overworked. You should take some time off and relax ....  Have a GREAT weekend everyone.
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Topic:
WHAT is Easter?
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Three blondes just died and are at the pearly gates of heaven.
St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question. St. Peter asks the first blonde, "WHAT IS EASTER?" She replies, "Oh, that's easy, it's the holiday in November when everybody gets together, eats turkey, and is thankful..." "WRONG," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "WHAT IS EASTER?" The second blonde replies, "No, Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus." St. Peter looks at the her, shakes his head in disgust, looks at the third blonde and asks, "WHAT IS EASTER?" She smiles smiles and looks St. Pete in the eye. "I know what Easter is. Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper, after, which he was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and was stabbed in the side, then they made him wear a crown of thorns, and he was hung on a cross. He was later buried in a nearby cave, which was sealed off by a large boulder. Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out, and if he sees his shadow there will be six more weeks of winter."
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Topic:
Working in a Sex Shop
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A young woman had gotten a job in a sex shop.
Only a few hours into her first day her boss had to leave the store for a short time. A woman came into the store and inquired about dildos. The young lady said, “We have white dildos for $10.00 and we have black dildos for $20.00.” The customer made her purchase and left the store. Shortly a second woman came in and got the same speech. She also made a purchase and left he store. When the third woman came in. a blonde, and asked the same question our young woman replied, We have white dildos for $10.00 and we have black dildos for $20.00.” The blonde asked, “how much is that silver one over there?” The young woman thought quickly and replied replied, “That one is $100.00” The customer made her purchase and left the store. When the boss returned and asked if anyone had come in while she was gone, the young woman replied, "Well, I sold a white dildo to a black woman for ten dollars and I sold a black dildo to a white woman for twenty dollars.” “That’s great.” exclaimed the boss, “Anything else?” “Oh yeah” returned the young woman, “I almost forgot – I sold my thermos.” 
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Topic:
Twenty Bucks
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A man is leaving a bar late one night when he sees a woman in the shadows between two cars in the parking lot.
"Twenty bucks," she says. He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell it's only twenty bucks. They're going at it in the back seat for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It's a police officer. "What's going on here, people?" asks the officer. "I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know." "Well," said the man, "neither did I until you shone that light in her face."
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Topic:
Iranian Nuclear Update
Edited by
uk1971
on
Mon 04/04/11 05:24 AM
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WASHINGTON, DC—A recently released Pentagon report is raising new worries that Iran has been operating several large facilities designed solely for the purpose of enriching mass quantities of high-grade students.
1. Low-grade students bond and expend energy outside core curriculum 2. Facility-contamination expert's office, stocked with bucket, trash bags, mop 3. Cache of classified 2-page reports 4. Buses transporting loads of bright, glowing new students to facility "We have reason to believe that specially trained Iranian science teachers are taking raw, unrefined brain power and bombarding it with knowledge at accelerated levels," said the U.S. Undersecretary Of Defense For Intelligence at a Tuesday press conference. "If current levels of student concentration remain this high, Iran could be a mere five to eight years away from developing an atomic scientist." Leading analysts believe that the teachers are using a widely applied enrichment process in which students are isolated from such elements as family, play, and cartoons, and are rotated through seven separative work units over the course of each day. This cycle is repeated for months, until the students are made highly reactive to reading matter, which enables them to absorb large amounts of information in short periods of time. The students are then continually exposed to heavy material, taught to achieve critical thought, and finally graduate to a state of explosive productivity. Hard evidence that would support the Pentagon's findings includes a top-secret syllabus, acquired by the CIA, which indicates that Iran may begin testing their students, possibly without warning, as early as next Friday. Reconnaissance-satellite images also reveal the presence of two Iranian–area facilities identified by intelligence sources only as "P.S. 235" and "H.S. 238." Despite the Pentagon's announcement in mid-January that Iran had halted its nuclear-science program, additional satellite photos taken in early December of last year clearly show 40-foot-long buses transporting multiple loads of students to these facilities in the morning hours between 7 and 8 a.m. Some images also reveal a short, 20-foot-long bus thought to contain a smaller number of highly volatile, non-reactive, and extremely dense students. "While we believe that a majority of these students were developed within Iran's borders anywhere from 13 to 17 years ago, there is also evidence that they are importing older students from former Soviet republics and Pakistan in what officials have dubbed an 'exchange program,'" CIA Director stated. Although no one is sure exactly what is being conducted inside the accelerated core curriculum, a team of UNESCO inspectors who visited suspected Iranian enrichment facilities in 2008 found a number of microscopes, Bunsen burners, centrifuges, and reference materials, including a stockpile of instructional materials and textbooks covered in brown paper wrapping intended to obscure the material's subject matter. In a nationally televised Oval Office address Tuesday, President Obama expressed the concern that if Iran is allowed to enrich its students unchecked, many of them could end up anywhere, with some potentially landing in major university centers in New York and Los Angeles. "The U.S. stopped enriching its students decades ago, and we call upon Iran to do the same," Obama said. "If the Iranians do not put an end to this program by the middle of May, and impose final examinations, they could face further isolation from the international community." As the U.S. awaits a response to the ultimatum, American intelligence continues to monitor a rumored late-afternoon summit, consisting of a series of secretive bilateral meetings between parents and a female science expert known as Mrs. Bakhtiari
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Topic:
Understanding Women
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A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said,
"Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii' so I can ride over anytime I want.' The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.' The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.' The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?' 
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Topic:
The Meaning of Womens Names
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How about Kseniya or helga? I don't see those there. Helga - Tends to spend her time in mountain huts serving gigantic glasses of beer and smothering guys between her oversized breasts Kseniya - Can' decide on if she was born Russian or Ethiopian. Good runner and weight lifter
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Topic:
The Meaning of Mens Names
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...My name isn`t on there  ... Wanna bet? There ya go.
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