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Topic:
Honeymoon in the Caribbean
Edited by
uk1971
on
Sun 08/21/11 08:02 AM
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A guy and his new bride were on honeymoon in the Carribean, and the Mother-in-Law had tagged along.
Three days before they were due to return home, the mother-in-law went missing. After reporting her disappearence to the local police, and coastguard, without any positive outcome, they returned home. Two days after they were home, the phone rang. The guy answered....... 'Mr Jackson? This is the Carribean coastguard. I'm calling to inform you that we have found your Mother-in-Law." The guy asked, "Oh. That's good news. How is she?" "Well. That's the problem. We found her floating in the bay just around the corner from the hotel with six lobsters hanging from her body. We would like to know what you would like us to do with the body?" There was a slight pause, and then the the guy thoughtfully replied. 'Erm. Well. YOU keep three of the lobsters, send three to me, and then set her again!"    |
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Topic:
Never Say 'Walk it Off'
Edited by
uk1971
on
Sun 08/14/11 11:56 PM
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I have a confession to make ladies I’m not much of a love maker.
I can do everything else for you open up doors, pull out chairs, and hold a conversation with the best of them. I can be everything you want me to me in a boy friend except a love maker. I’m not going to lay there and caress you, moving slow while listening to Kenny G’s greatest hits, kissing on you, crying with “love you NO I love you” that’s some punk azz sh it. Don’t get me wrong I’m gentlemen but when it comes to the bed room. I only know one speed BLOW YOUR BACK OUT SPEED. I was raised by a single mother and my mom is gangster so she didn’t raise know punk. With that said being a love maker isn’t in my blood I’m a fücker. But sometimes being a fücker can get you in a whole lot of trouble. Being a fücker can damn near be dangerous. One night I was blowing my ex girl friends back out. Well the lights where off and I accidentally put it in the wrong hole. Yes I accidentally put it in the pooper. Fella’s I’m not sure if you ever made that mistake but if you ever stuck it in pooper your girl will make noises that will haunt you for the rest of your life. I know my girl was in pain because she just lay there face down, azz up barking like a seal from Sea World. I panicked I mean I never heard her make a sound like that. I tried to come with the right words to make her feel better the only thing I could come up with is what my football coach use to tell me whenever I got the wind knocked out of me in practice. I told her “WALK IT OFF”. I said Walk it off sh it happens your tough right? Well she couldn’t even respond she was in pain and furious beyond words. I knew I was in trouble the next day. I was afraid she was going to beat my azz in my sleep so I slept on the couch that night. I knew she was going to get me back for the walk it off comment I just didn’t know when. There is nothing more scarier than the unknown. That’s the thing about women they don’t forget anything you say or do. They might not bring it up right then and there most of the time they just save it and use it against you when you really piss them off. Well I was know exception she was just sitting there waiting until I completely forgot about the situation. One thing my ex girl knew about me was I hate blood. I can handle seeing it I mean I played football but touching it and seeing it, smelling it makes me faint anytime I have to give blood I pass out. Two months go by and my girl invites me over her house. She emails me on Myspace saying she wants to get her back blown out. I’m excited because I have something to look forward to after work. So I get over there and she’s already in her room butt azz naked. I wasted know time I went straight to work one thing I noticed was that it pitch dark in her room. I mean she normally has the TV or her bathroom light on but she didn’t have on any lights on at all. I didn’t care I’m fücking the hell out of this girl and she was super, super wet. I’m thinking to myself damn she must have really been horny. Two hours go by and where both exhausted we just laid there. The next morning was a morning I’ll never forget. She was already gone she had to go to work the next morning. When I woke up it was fückin blood everywhere. This mother fücker was on her period and she didn’t say anything I was wondering why she was so wet. Blood was all over my face, all over my chest, my elbows, and my legs. I never screamed so loud in my life. I looked like Carey from Prom night. I got on the phone and called her azz. “WHY THE FÜCK DIDN’T YOU TELL ME YOU WHERE ON YOUR PERIOD”?" She laughed and she said "It’s only a little blood Sharieff you’re a tough guy right? Walk it off!" and she hung up on me. I was so grossed out I sat in the shower just sat in corner crying like a baby trying to clean it off of me. It was everywhere. Well I couldn’t leave these bloody azz sheets on the bed so I carried them to trash can outside. She lived in a 98% rich white neighborhood when those white folks seen a 6’3 200 pound black guy coming out of a white girls house with bloody azz sheets. They where on their i phones in six point five seconds “Hello police I think we might have another OJ on are hands." The good news is Johnny Cochran is dead and from the looks of his car this's broke. My girl had to bail me out of jail due to the misunderstanding so fellas learn from my mistake. If you ever accidentally stick your girl in pooper “DO NOT TELL HER TO WALK IT OFF”. She will make you pay!! 
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Topic:
A cowboy walks into a bar
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A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What"s so special about it?" The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "What"s it telling you now?" Well, it says you"re not wearing any panties." The woman giggles and replies "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!" The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing"s an hour fast."
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My mate just said to me,
"If you became invisible, what would you do first?" I said, "I'd go to Paris, find a performing street mime and beat the crap out of him! The round of applause he'd get would be astounding."
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Topic:
Headache Cure
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The doctor said,
'Harry , the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.' I was shocked and depressed. I wondered if I had anything to live for. I had no choice but to go under the knife. When I left the hospital, I was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but I felt like I was missing an important part of Myself. As I walked down the street, I realized that I felt like a different person. I could make a new beginning and live a new life. I saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit...' I entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit..' The elderly tailor eyed me briefly and said, 'Let's see... Size 44 long.' I laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?' 'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said. I tried on the suit it fit perfectly. As I, admired myself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?' I thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.' The salesman eyed me and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.' I was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?' 'Been in the business 60 years.' I tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. I walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?' I thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.' The salesman said, 'Let's see... Size 36. I laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.' The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'  |
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Topic:
Omega 3
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Someone just threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Don't worry, I only suffered 'super fish oil injuries.' 
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Topic:
Have a Nice Day
Edited by
uk1971
on
Wed 08/03/11 11:24 AM
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My doctor asked if my medication is working for my schizophrenia.
"I'm still in two minds", I told him.  I broke into the warehouse of the British Electric Lamp Company and stole all of their stock. They were delighted. dancing:  "August the 3rd 2012 said to be London's most busiest transport day , so you'll need to find a different route for work, or work at home". Going to be a tough day for prostitutes. Friend of mine was tellin me that he's started screwing his girlfriends twin. "How do ya tell em apart??" I asked. "That's easy" he said... "Her brother has a moustache"  Since there are more Chinese people than any other race on Earth, does that mean they have normal eyes and we have big crazy googly ones? BBC News: "Illegally downloading pirated films is costing hundreds of millions of pounds a year" SH IT!!!!, What site are they downloading them off? It's free for me.
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Topic:
I'm on a Quest
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I'm on a quest around the world to find Bigfoot. I'd originally set out to find cheap fuel, but I decided to keep my goals realistic.
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Topic:
Golf or Porn
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A couple were at home watching TV.
The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between the golf channel and the porn channel. His wife became more and more annoyed and finally said: "For God's sake. Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to play golf!"
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Topic:
McDonald's
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I'm going into my local McDonald's tomorrow and ordering an Egg McMuffin and a McChicken, just to see which one comes first
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Topic:
Respect The Dead
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We should always respect the dead.
Even if the person was ugly, had sailor tattoos, slurred their speech, lived with a lifelong addiction and relied upon a fix to get through the day... RIP Popeye.
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I can see em now with their mesh truckers caps and sleeveless flannels. A man's gotta do what a mans gotta do. Sorry ladies. 
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12.
One to screw it in, one to excoriate men for creating the need for illumination, one to blame men for inventing such a faulty means of illumination, one to suggest the whole "screwing" bit to be too "rape-like", one to deconstruct the lightbulb itself as being phallic, one to blame men for not changing the bulb, one to blame men for trying to change the bulb instead of letting a woman do it, one to blame men for creating a society that discourages women from changing light bulbs, one to blame men for creating a society where women change too many light bulbs, one to advocate that lightbulb changers should have wage parity with electricians, one to alert the media that women are now "out-lightbulbing" men, and one to just sit there taking pictures for her blog for photo-evidence that men are unnecessary.
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First day of my vacation, So I just got out of bed. lol
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Garter Snakes
Garden Grass Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why: A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream. The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor. His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out. About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital. The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief. But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa. The neighbour man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her. The neighbour's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out cold and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches. The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbour lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat. By now, the police had arrived. ***** Ok Breathe here ***** They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake. The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbour and his sobbing wife. Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes. The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car. Meanwhile, neighbours saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out). Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world. A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night? And that's when he shot her!
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Topic:
Caring Gorillas
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A three-year-old boy fell eighteen feet into a zoo enclosure containing seven gorillas. He was immediately rescued, not by zookeepers, but by one of the animals.
The 150 lb. female gorilla picked up the unconscious form of the boy and laid it at a door to be easily retrieved to by zookeepers. This cross-species rescue has resulted in thousands of dollars in donations to the zoo. It is perhaps because of these donations that zookeepers have kept quiet about one vital detail, a hastily scrawled note tucked in the boy's collar, "Thanks; but we prefer fruit."
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Edited by
uk1971
on
Fri 07/22/11 07:33 AM
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Bruce was an Aborigine farmer who lived in the Australian bush, hundreds of miles from the nearest civilisation.
He had one son called Bluey, who was about to celebrate his 18th birthday. Bluey had no experience of the opposite sex, and was very naive in the ways of the world. As the birthday approached, Bruce said to his son, "Here's $20000. go to the big city, find a woman, and she'll help you learn more about life!" Off went Bluey to Brisbane, to a very high class hotel, where he quickly settled into his room. He then went into a local bar, where he was accosted by one of the local 'Ladys' of the night.' After several drinks, a lot of flirting, and agreement of financial payments they retired to his hotel room. "I'm just going to freshen up lover. I'll be right back." While she was in the bathroom, there was one hell of a racket emanating from the bedroom. Scraping and banging! On her return to the bedroom, she noticed that ALL the furniture had been stacked up in one corner of the room, with the carpets rolled up in the same corner. "What the fü ck is going on here?" She demanded. "Well," Bluey replied, "If you Sheilas are anything like the kangaroos, We're gonna need all the room we can get!"
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Bob had been down on his luck for several months, and one night as a last resort, he turned to prayer.
He knelt at the foot of his bed, clasped his hands and prayed. "Please Lord. I've been a good man, helped others when I was able. PLEASE Lord, let me win the lottery Saturday night," Bob watched tv that Saturday as the numbers came up. NOTHING! The following evening, and every evening up to and including Friday before going to bed, he prayed. "Please Lord. I've still been a good man, I've helped others when I can, I donated blood when there was an emergency last week as soon as they asked for donors. PLEASE Lord. Let me win the lottery this Saturday night!" Once again, Bob watched his tv Saturday as the numbers came up, and once again, NOTHING. After the numbers had been announced, Bob wailed. "God. You're a fraud! I've been as good a man as I can be. I've prayed to you every night, I've abided by the 10 Commandments, I've tried to be the best possible person I can be, And you don't seem to be listening to me!" All at once, his room was bathed in a white heavenly light and an exasperated booming voice exclaimed, "Bob! I HAVE heard you. But you need to meet me half way here, BUY A TICKET!"
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Just had an ice cold one after work.
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Checking out the inside of my eye lids
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