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Topic:
Widdle Wabbits
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A precious little girl walks into a Pets Mart Shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth,
"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?" As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?" She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally givth a thit !!"  
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A man is shipwrecked on a desert island.
Luckily the island has fresh water, fruit trees and an abundance of fish, so he is confident that he will survive until he is rescued. Weeks pass, however, and there is no sign of any rescue. One day he is looking forlornly out to sea when he notices a speck on the horizon. As it comes closer he sees that it is a person in a lifeboat. As it approaches the shore he sees to his amazement that the person is Pippa Middleton! He runs to help her out of the boat. "Oh thank God I found this island!", she cries. "I was afraid that I would die on that lifeboat. I am the sole survivor of a shipwreck." The man calms her down and explains that there is plenty of food and water and that they just have to keep their nerve and soon they will be rescued. She agrees that they must keep their spirits up, as it is essential to their survival. Weeks pass with still no sign of rescue. One thing leads to another and they start having sex. Everything seems fine. After weeks of sex morale is high. However, after a few weeks his mood starts to change. He starts to withdraw and slip into bouts of depression. Pippa sees this and gets worried. She begs him to cheer up for both their sakes, and asks if his mood change has anything to do with her. "Well, actually, it does", he says. "Then tell me, is there anything I can do to cheer you up?" "Erm, yes, there is," he says hesitantly. "Then just say the word and I will do it! After all, our survival depends on it!", she says. "OK, then. First, I would like you to cut your hair really short like a guy's." "OK, that's no problem." "Then, I would like you to draw a moustache on yourself using a piece of charcoal," he continues. She agrees, but less readily. "Then, I want you to speak in a low voice." Once again she agrees, but is a bit worried now. "Then finally, I want to call you Bob." Really worried now, she asks if all this is absolutely necessary. He assures her that it is crucial if he is going to start feeling better. And he wants her to do all this in time for a "special dinner" he is cooking that night. Later that evening he is sitting by the fire on a log, cooking a fabulous meal. Pippa is in the bushes "preparing" herself. "You Ok there, Bob?", he calls out. "Yes, great, thanks", she answers in a low, gravely voice. "Hurry up, then, because there is something special I want to say to you!", he shouts. She emerges from the bushes with her hair cropped very short, a black moustache and talking in a low voice. "Is this OK with you?, she growls. He is overwhelmed. "You look perfect, Bob! Now come over and sit by me so I can share something special with you, Bob." She goes over to the log and sits at the end. "Come on over here next to me", he says, patting the spot beside him. "I want to get something off my chest, and want you closer to me as it is a secret." Reluctantly she sidles over to him. He leans in very close to her and says, "Bob?" "Yes?" His eyes light up. "Guess who I'm screwing??!!" 
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I'm sorry, I'm fairy new,, does the" person above you" refer to the last person to post? Yep. Or you can quote the person you're referring to. lol |
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Edited by
uk1971
on
Mon 03/05/12 10:05 AM
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Read the profile of the person above you and give your HONEST and TRUTHFUL opinion of them.
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Topic:
heee heeeee heeeee
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Sorry Eileen. This one flew over me head and went flup.
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After twenty years of marriage a wife asks her husband to describe her.
He says, "Well you're A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K." "What does that mean?" she asks. He says, "Adorable,Beautiful,Cute,Delightful,Elegant,Foxy,Gorgeous and Hot." "Aww thank you,but what about the I,J and K?" asks his wife. "That stands for" 'I'm Just Kidding!' He replies. 
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Topic:
Mary Poppins (Groaner Alert)
Edited by
uk1971
on
Fri 02/17/12 10:40 AM
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Mary Poppins was travelling home one evening, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel.
She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night. "Certainly madam", he replied courteously. "Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary. "Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from the menu?" Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary. "Certainly madam," he replied. "And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely. The receptionist nodded and smiled. "In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs please," Mary mused. After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night. The night passed uneventfully and next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk. "Morning madam...sleep well?" "Yes, thank you," Mary replied. "Food to your liking?" "Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, Shame about the eggs though....they really weren't nice at all," replied Mary. "Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book? We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist. "Ok I will...thanks!" replied Mary....who then checked out, paused awhile, then scribbled a comment into the book, and then left to continue her journey home. Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to read her comment "Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!!!!"
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Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar.
He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?" "Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed." "That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?" "I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show." "Sensible" says Jeff. "So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw." "And what happened then?" (Paul slumps back over the bar again.) "I kicked her in the face." 
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Topic:
Be My Valentine
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VALENTINE GREETINGS.
To My Ever Loving Wife: During the past year, I have attempted to seduce you 365 times. I have succeeded 12 times. This averages once every 30 days. The following is a list of the reasons for which I did not succeed. We’ll wake the children – 7 It’s too hot – 15 It’s too cold 5 Too tired – 39 It’s too late – 16 It’s too early – 22 Pretending sleep – 60 Windows open, neighbours might see/hear - 9 Backache – 16 Toothache – 2 I’m too full – 4 Giggles – 4 Not in the mood – 21 Watched the late show – 7 Baby crying – 19 Watched the early show – 5 Mud pack – 5 Grease on face – 21 Reading in bed – 7 You’re too drunk – 5 Reading Sunday paper – 52 Headache – 10 Do you think we could improve our record this coming year?????? PLEASE BE MY VALENTINE; Hopefully, Your Ever Loving Husband. 
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Topic:
Superbowl Dog
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On the evening of the Superbowl A guy walked into a bar with a dachshund under his arm. The dog is wearing a New England Patriots jersey, helmet, and is festooned with Patriots pom poms.
The bartender says, “Hey, no pets are allowed in here! You’ll have to leave!” The guy begs him. “Look, I’m desperate. We’re both big fans. The TV is broken, and this is the only place around here where we can see the game!” After securing a promise that the dog will behave, and warning him, that he, and the dog will be thrown out if they cause any trouble, the bartender relents, and allows them to stay in the bar and watch the game. The game begins with the Patriots receiving the kick off. They march downfield, get stopped at about the 30, and kick a field goal. With that, the dog jumps on the bar, giving a high five to all the other customers seated at the bar. The bartender says, “Wow! That’s the most amazing thing I have ever seen. What does the dog do if they score a touchdown?” The dog owner replies. “I don’t know, I’ve only had him for four years.”
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Edited by
uk1971
on
Wed 02/08/12 03:19 AM
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Try saying the following fast.
Polish it behind the door.
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Read this outloud.. Ice bank mice elf.   You REALLY need to get a grip of yourself. WHAT am I saying?
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Topic:
NOTHING Unusual
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A police patrol man comes in off the beat and has to report to his sergeant.
"So," says the sergeant. "Anything unusual happen today?" "Nah," says the cop, "There was just this woman who fell from the 10th floor of the building opposite. Stone dead!" "And that's nothing unusual?" "Well, it would've been unusual if she'd survived."
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Topic:
A Loan for Kermit
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Pass the barf bag.
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Topic:
Skinny girls
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If I stand sideways on and stick my tongue out, my mate says i look like a zipper.
Anyway. It's not what's on the outside that matters. It's what comes from within that counts.
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Topic:
Bob doesn't have a computer
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Bob is unemployed and applies for a job as a janitor at Microsoft.
A manager at Human Resources interviews him in detail then asks him to wipe a few floors as a test. "OK," says the interviewer, "you're hired. Just give me your e-mail address and I'll send you the necessary documents." Bob says that he doesn't have a computer, so obviously has no e-mail address. The Microsoft interviewer tells him that without an e-mail address he virtually doesn't exist, so the company is unable to hire him. Disappointed and frustrated, Bob leaves the building with only 10 dollars in his pocket. He decides to go to the nearest supermarket and buy 10 pounds of tomatoes. He sells the tomatoes door-to-door and within two hours has doubled his capital. He repeats the process three times and ends up with 160 dollars. Realising that he can make a living this way, Bob works hard from early morning to late at night. Every day, he doubles or even triples his capital. After a short time, he buys a small van, then a truck, and soon he has an entire fleet for his deliveries. Within 5 years, Bob has established one of the largest food retail chains in the USA. He decides to think about his future and wants to get a financial plan drawn up for himself and his family. He contacts a financial consultant and they compile a pension plan. At the end of the discussion, the consultant asks Bob for his e-mail address in order to send him the corresponding documents, only to hear that Bob still does not own a computer and has no e-mail address. "That's weird," says the consultant. "You have built up a massive retail empire and you don't even have an e-mail address. Just imagine what you would have achieved if you'd had a computer." Bob thinks for a minute, then says: "I'd be a janitor at Microsoft." 
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Topic:
SEX AFTER DEATH
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A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all. After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact: "Marion...Marion..." "Is that you, Bob?" "Yes, I've come back like we agreed." "That's wonderful! What's it like?" "Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again" "Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?" "No...I'm a rabbit in Arizona!"
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Topic:
Happy Sunday
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I was so pissed off after arguing with my girlfriend last night.
When she went to bed, I sneaked into the kitchen and tightened every jar and bottle in the cupboard. My girlfriend thinks I drink too much because I'm bored; says I need to get a hobby. So I got one of those home brewing kits.  The wife was showing off her new knee-length boots. "Oooh," she said, "nice and tight. I feel like I'm wearing my own skin." "That's no surprise," I said, glancing at the box, "they're made of pig's leather." Mary had a little lamb She also had a bear I've often seen her little lamb But I've never seen her bare. Theres currently a sale on tennis balls down my local sports shop. It's first come, first serve. This electrical circuit building competition is really coming down to the wire.  Bill Gates is making Harvey Price a part of Microsoft's production team. Apparently they need the new instalment version of windows clean.  AND FINALLY: I tried to log in on my iPad. Turns out it was an Etch A Sketch and I don't own an iPad. Also, I'm out of vodka.  |
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Topic:
The Bank Robbery
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A woman, heavily pregnant with triplets enters a bank to withdraw some cash.
As she was standing in the queue, two masked robbers burst into the bank, and demanded money from the cashier. On their way out, she was not fast enough in moving out of their way, and, unfortunately, one of the robbers shot her three times in the stomach. She awoke in hospital to find that the swelling in her belly was no longer there. Hysterically, she started screaming for her children. The doctor quickly reassured her that her children had been saved, and that there was nothing to worry about; apart from one thing. Each of her children had been hit by the bullets, and they had lodged in inoperable areas. But she need not worry, because, during the passage of time, the bullets would dislodge and exit in a normal fashion. 12 years later, the first of the woman’s children, a daughter, came to her and said, “Mum, I’ve done something that I can’t explain.” “What is that?” asked her mother. “I went to the toilet, and this came out.” It was, of course, a bullet. Her mother explained what had happened 12 years earlier, and not to worry. Everything would be fine. A couple of weeks later, her second child, also a daughter, came to her mother and said, “Mummy, I’ve done something I can’t explain, or understand.” Her mother said, “What. You went to the toilet for a pee, and a bullet came out?” “Yes.” Replied her daughter. Once again, the mother explained what had happened, and that everything would be fine, and that she had nothing to be concerned about. A couple of days later, her third child, a son, came to his mother and said, “Mum, I’ve done something bad!” His mother said, “I know what. You went to the toilet for a pee and a bullet came out?” “No.” replied her son. “I was jerking off, and I shot the cat!”
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Topic:
The Italian Army
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The Italian army has been called in to help with the people from the grounded cruise ship.
But they have now swapped sides and have declared war on the survivors.
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