All this talk of dangerous, genetically modified food tasting horrible is nonsense.
I mean, just today I had a delicious leg of salmon.

Dear Connie,

I know the councellor said we shouldn't contact each other during our
"cooling off"
period,
but I couldn't wait anymore.
The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again.
But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking.
Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact.
In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me.
I guess my pride needed that.
But now I see that my pride has cost me a lot of things.
I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you.
I don't care about looking bad anymore.
I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.
Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt.
And this is what my heart says
"There's no one like you, Connie."
I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you.
They're not even close.
Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me.
I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation.
She was young, maybe 19; with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice-skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body.
**** like you wouldn't believe and an arse that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right?
But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought,
"Look at the stuff we've made important in our lives."
It's all so superficial.
What does a perfect body mean?
Does it make her better in bed?
Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at.
Does it make her a better person?
Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie?
I doubt it.
And I've never really thought of that before.
I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little.
Later, after I've tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking,
"Why do I feel so drained and empty?"
It wasn't just her flawless technique or her very *friendly* personality, shameless hunger, but something else.
Some nagging feeling of loss.
Why did it feel so incomplete?
And then it hit me.
It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch.
Do you know what I mean?
Nothing feels the same without you.
Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you.
And everything I do just reminds me of you.
Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the hotel in Hawaii last year?
Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna.
She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around.
I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our old bedroom.
And this tart's a total monster in the sack.
She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us.
And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity.
So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves.
And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too, because I can't help thinking,
"Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor?
We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never
used it as a sex toy."
Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order.
I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time.
She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general.
She's pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really is.
So we're doing Tequilla shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times.
Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18.
And that just about makes me cry.
And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole an*l thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fuelled some of the bitterness between us.
But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you?
It's true, Connie.
In your heart you must know it.
Don't you think we could start over?
Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh?
I think we can.
If you feel the same please, please, please let me know.
Otherwise, can you let me know where the f*cking remote is?

Love, Dan

Little Fred was watching TV in his bedroom.
He comes downstairs and asks,
"Dad, what's love juice?"
His father looks at him horrified and tells him all about sex and why a woman's va*ina gets wet.
Fred just sits there with his mouth wide open in amazement.
His dad asks,
"So, what you been watching Fred?"
Fred replies,
"Wimbledon!"

https://saboteur365.files.wordpress.com/2015/03/********-o-meter-retrorenovation.gif

Irate

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotch-less panties in an attempt to spice
up her dead sex-life,
She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband,
At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs ... enough times that her
husband finally asks,
"Are you wearing crotchless panties?"
"Y-e-s,"
she answers with a seductive smile.
"Thank God for that.
I thought you were sitting on the cat."

Why couldn't Frankenstein have kids?
















Because his nuts were in his neck !!!

Two ninety year old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives.
It seems that Sam is dying, so Moe comes to visit him.
"Sam,"
says Moe,
"You know how we have both loved baseball all our lives.
Sam, you have do me one favour.
When you go, somehow you've got to tell me if there's baseball in heaven."
Sam looks up at Moe from his deathbed and says,
"Moe, you've been my friend many years.
This favour I'll do for you."
And with that, Sam passes on.
It is midnight a couple nights later.
Moe is sound asleep when a distant voice calls out to him,
"Moe.... Moe...."
"Who is it?"
says Moe sitting up suddenly.
"Who is it?"
"Moe, it's Sam."
"Come on.
You're not Sam. Sam died."
"I'm telling you,"
insists the voice.
"It's me, Sam!"
"Sam? Is that REALLY you?
Where are you?"
"I'm in heaven,"
says Sam,
"and I've got to tell you, I've got some good news and some bad news."
"Tell me the good news first,"
says Moe.
"The good news,"
says Sam
"is that there IS baseball in heaven."
"Really?"
says Moe,
"That's wonderful!
What's the bad news?
"You're pitching Tuesday."

My ex wife was 14 years younger than me - Lasted 10 years

My ex girlfriend was 5 years younger than me. Lasted 2 years.

My last ladyfriend was 18 months older than me. We were very happy and together 12 years until she sadly passed away 18 months ago.

It's just the luck of the draw I guess

I was making love to this woman over her kitchen table when we heard the front door opening.
"Quick Quick."
She replied.
"Use the back door!"
In retrospect I should have made a run for it, But you don't get an offer like that every day

DAY 1
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate.
When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

DAY 2
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me.
He's impotent, he says, and he wanted me to be the first to know.
Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.

DAY 3
This marriage is in trouble.
A woman has needs.
Yesterday, I saw a picture of The Washington monument and burst into tears.

DAY 4
A miracle has happened!
There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem'. It's called Viagra.
I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night.
I think this will work.
I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.

DAY 5
What absolute bliss!

DAY 6
Isn't life wonderful, but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.

DAY 7
This Viagra thing has gone to his head.
No pun intended!
Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper.
He thought they were talking about him.
But, have to admit, it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.

DAY 8
I think he took too many over the weekend.
Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed whacker.
I'm also getting a bit sore down there.

DAY 9
No time to write.
He might catch me.

DAY 10
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding.
I mean, a girl can only take so much.
And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky!
What am I going to do?
I feel tacky all over .....

DAY 11
I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill.
I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed.
Even my armpits hurt.
He's a complete pig.

DAY 12
I wish he was gay,
I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me!
Even yawning has become dangerous.

DAY 13
Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack!
It's like going to bed with a scud missile.
I can hardly walk and if he tries that 'Ooops, sorry' thing again, I'll kill the bastard.

DAY 14
I've done everything to turn him off.
Nothing is working.
I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny.
Help Me!

DAY 15
I think I'll have to kill him.
I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on.
The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more.
Last night I told him to go and f*** himself - and he did.

DAY 16
The bastard has started to complain about headaches.
I hope the bloody thing explodes.

DAY 17
Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference....
****!!!
Here he comes again!

DAY 18
He's back on Prozac.
The lazy bastard just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him.


Aaaaah - what absolute bliss!

My son said,
"Dad, when was the first time you fell in love?"
I said,
"I was 18, I walked into a bar and spotted the most gorgeous blonde I'd ever seen.
Cupid fired his arrow the second I saw her."
He said,
"So what happened?"
I said,
"Nothing. The bastard missed and hit your mother"

The following ad in The Atlanta Journal is reported to have received numerous calls.


SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant.
I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play.
I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire.
Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand.

Rub me the right way and watch me respond.
I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me.
Kiss me and I'm yours.
Call 734-6799 and ask for Daisy.


Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the local Humane Society about an 8-week-old black Labrador retriever.

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar. A $140 speeding ticket was included.
Being cute, he sent the police department a picture Of himself and of a check for $140.
The police department desk clerk responded with another mailed photo Himself and handcuffs.
The motorist responded with sending the desk cop a photo of the desk cop cheating on his wife using handcuffs..
The Desk cop sent the motorist a check for $140

A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night, when behind him he hears:
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.Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
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.Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.
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.FASTER...
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.BUMP...
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.He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping.
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clappity-BUMP...
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.on his heels, as the terrified man runs.
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.Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, he locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
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.With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.
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.Bumping and clapping toward him.
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The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!
Desperately, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...
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and,
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(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)
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.PLEASE Don't hate me!!!
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.You're definitely gonna hate me.
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Okay. Here's what happens
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The coffin stops.

She had been in a coma for two weeks.
The nurse was bathing her and when she went to wash her private area, she began to moan.
The nurse told the doctor and the doctor called her husband in.
"I think you should try oral sex.
It may bring her out of the coma."
The man went behind the curtain, but after five minutes or so all the monitors started going crazy.
The doctor went through the curtain to find the woman stone dead.
He said to her husband.
"What happened?
"Dunno."
Said the man,
"She must have choked!"

I'm in the doghouse again.
When the missus was asleep last night, I swapped her tampon with a party popper.
I'm telling ya's, the woman has no sense of humour.

You want to two minutes?