1. If you read the original post you will see that it is 'Humour' orientated.

2. THIRD time?

3. What gave you the impression we are as you call it....'muslim friendly.

And

4. You still have not given a response to the 'Friendly Fire' incidents...

There once was a man who loved tractors,
I mean he absolutely LOVED them.
He had tractor models, tractor wallpaper, remote control miniature tractors, tractor board games, even some tractor porn
(which is not easy to find mind you).
The only thing that even came close to his love for tractors, was the love he felt for his wife.
His high school sweetheart, who didn't mind his infatuation with tractors one bit.
She didn't even mind the role play where she would dress as a tractor, he would dress as a farmer, and he would take her for a "ride".
Sadly his wife was struck one day, a tractor fell off the back of a transport truck.
She didn't die until he was at her side in the hospital.
Her dying words
"Don't blame the tractor honey"
and with that she headed to the big farm in the sky.
Sadly, he did blame the tractor, he hated them now with all his mind, body, and soul.
He went home and destroyed ALL his tractor related items, the toys, his wifes' tractor suit, and even his collection of tractor porn. He put it all in a pile and burned it in the yard.
What ever didn't burn enough to his liking was thrown into a woodchipper.
He then went inside, rarely leaving his home, for 8 years.
Finally on the 8th anniversary of his darling wifes death he decided it was time to get back out in the dating world, plus the cute cashier at the grocery store had been asking him out for a while now, he called her out to dinner.
The restaurant he chose ended up being quite nice, good food, good service, great decor.
But there was one problem, it was EXTREMELY smoky.
So smoky in fact that his date, being an asthmatic, was having some trouble breathing.
After noticing her displeasure, and trouble breathing, he started breathing in.
I mean REALLY breathing in. Inhaling with such force that all the smoke quickly left the dining room, and went into his lungs.
When the room was void of smoke he stepped outside and released it all into the night.
When he rejoined his date she asked
"How on earth did you do that?"
to which he replied,
"Easy.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
..I'm an extractor fan."

And the cost of a human life?

NOTHING can put a price on that!!!

"Debts may have been paid off, but we were still losing lives to so called 'Friendly fire'incidents in Iraq and elsewhere could be construed as debts. So I think the debts owing tag are reversed and they can never be repaid.

To the citizens of the United States of America from

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen... Elizabeth II:
12 May 2016 at 1200 GMT


(Not meant for those lacking a sense of humour, and or those that refuse to read a note in its entirety before making a comment)

In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.'
Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.'
Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
(I love that one)

Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
There is no such thing as U.S. English.
We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.
The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.' '
(I love that one too)
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists.
The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent.
Guns should only be used for shooting grouse.
If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler.
Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect.
At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol
(which you have been calling gasoline)
of roughly $10/US gallon.
Get used to it.)
8.You will learn to make real chips.
Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all.
Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer.
They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.
American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys.
Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.
Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
11. You will cease playing American football.
There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby
(dominated by the New Zealanders).
Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America .
Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.





God Save the Queen!

Sheila, the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor.
Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.
She yelled out for her husband Bruce.
"Bruce, Bruce"
she yelled.
Bruce came running in. Bruce,
"I've bloody suctioned meself to the floor"
she said.
"Struth!"
Bruce said and tried to pull her up.
"You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Frank".
They came back and they both tried to pull her up.
"No way. We can't do it, let's try Plan B".
Frank said.
"Plan B?"
exclaimed Bruce.
"What's that"?
"I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we can break the tiles under her and release the vacuum"
replied Frank.
"Spot on"
Bruce said.
"While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her boobs".
"Play with her boobs"?
Frank said,
"Not exactly a good time for that mate?"
"No"
Bruce replied,
"But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive".

Is reported to be announced as Donald Trumps security advisor

Extreme

Visitors traveling by car on I-90 should exit at Rapid City and follow U.S. Highway 16 southwest to Keystone and then Highway 244 to Mount Rushmore. Visitors coming from the south should avoid Highway 385 north to Highway 244, which is the road leading to the memorial as it will be closed on Friday thru Monday due to special transportation of a 5000 ton lump of coal

When I joined the navy, they said they were removing Roman Numerals from all timepieces.

Not on MY watch they're not!!

I hear a train. Do YOU hear a train?

I'm travelling to Phuket Thailand April 8 - 18

Does anyone know where I can find an inexpensive guide/companion for my visit?

Monica Lewinsky is said to have released the following statement on Hillary Clinton's run for President:
"I will not vote for Hillary Clinton.
The last Clinton Presidency left a bad taste in my mouth.
As we get closer to November of this election year, citizens must remember that they cannot trust Hillary Clinton to create American jobs.
The last time she had a meaningful job, she outsourced it to me.
And I simply blew it".

Sheila, the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor.
Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.
She yelled out for her husband Bruce.
"Bruce, Bruce"
she yelled.
Bruce came running in. Bruce,
"I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor"
she said.
"Struth!"
Bruce said and tried to pull her up.
"You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Frank".
They came back and they both tried to pull her up.
"No way. We can't do it, let's try Plan B".
Frank said.
"Plan B?"
exclaimed Bruce.
"What's that"?
"I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we can break the tiles under her and release the vacuum" replied Frank.
"Spot on"
Bruce said.
"While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her boobs".
"Play with her ****"?
Frank said,
"Not exactly a good time for that mate?"
"No"
Bruce replied,
"But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive".

Charges strangers to do unspeakable things

Enigmatic

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.
Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground.
As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.
He said
'How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiance is still a virgin - in every way'
The doctor told him,
'I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight.
It should be okay next week.'
He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together; an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and they go on their honeymoon.
That night in the hotel bedroom, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts.
She said,
'You're the first; no one has EVER touched these.'
He immediately drops his pants and replies, .....
'Look at this, .....still in the CRATE!'

James, a student, is in London looking for a job.
He happens to be passing Harrods and decides to go in to enquire.
He gets directed to the top floor to the Human Resources Manager.
HRM: “We don’t normally employ people straight off the street but as it happens, we are looking for a new salesperson.
Do you have any retail experience?”
-James: “Yes I do actually, I’ve worked for years in my local store.”
-HRM: “Great, I’ll give you a trial.
Go downstairs and work for the day then come to see me at the end.”

At the end of the day, James goes back up to the Human Resources Manager.
-HRM: “So how do you think your day went?”
-James: “I think it went really well.”
-HRM: “How many sales did you make?”
-James: “Only one sir.”
-HRM: “Only one? We’d normally expect at least 20, how much was the sale?”
-James: “£76,825.99”
-HRM: “That's quite a lot, what did you sell him?”
-James: “Small fish hooks.”
-HRM: “Fish hooks, for seventy six thousand, eight hundred and twenty five pounds, ninety nine pence?
Explain yourself please?”
-James: “Well.... I sold him some small fish hooks for 99p.
Then I sold him some large fish hooks for £2 and some fishing line for £3.
I sold him a reel for £20 and a carbon fibre rod for £100, a full tackle box for £200 and kitted him out in full attire for £500.
Then I asked him where he was intending to go fishing and he said at sea, so I sold him a twin engine boat for £26,000.
He then mentioned that his car might not pull the boat, so I sold him a 4x4 for £50,000”
-HRM: “Wow that’s incredible upselling.... and the man only came in for fish hooks?”
-James: “No.”
-HRM: “Well what did he come in for?
-James: “He came in for some tampons for his wife, so I told him
‘That’s your weekend screwed, you’d better go fishing’..

"Did your hear the news - Dave is dead??!!!"
"Woah, what the hell happened to him?"
"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof.
Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."
"What a horrible way to die!"
"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all.
So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor.
Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up.
He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."
"What a way to go, that's terrible!"
"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that.
He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor.
In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."
"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"
"No no, he got away with that one, he survived.
So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen.
He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."
"Man, what a way to go!"
"No no, he survived that, he survived that!
He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."
"Now that is one awful way to go!"
"No no, he survived that..."
"Hold on
HOLD ON !!!!,
just how the hell did he die?"
"I shot him!"
"You shot him?
What the hell did you shoot him for?"
"I had to.
He was wrecking the friggin' place!."