Topic: Trust
truecapricorn's photo
Wed 02/01/17 07:10 PM
Do you think you can trust a new partner after years being mentally abused by ex spouse?

Jonathan83's photo
Wed 02/01/17 08:45 PM

Not until you've learned not to allow yourself to be mentally abused. Once youre in control, enjoy that other person, and get to know them. If someone wants something from you that youre not ready to give, say so.


Exactly. Well said.

no1phD's photo
Wed 02/01/17 09:10 PM

Do you think you can trust a new partner after years being mentally abused by ex spouse?
..well.. first you need to.. put behind the mental abuse.. realize that was your ex Partners problem.. and figure out how you allowed it to happen... so in your new relationship..
You will be better equipped to recognize the signs of mental abuse..
.. and get the hell out of Dodge if it..happens... but don't go into a new relationship expecting or looking.. for them to be abusive... give them the benefit of the doubt..

SparklingCrystal 💖💎's photo
Thu 02/02/17 02:28 AM
Yes, you can do that. I am doing it.
A new person isn't responsible for what an ex did.
I have to say I am incredibly lucky that he is very understanding. But I don't make him responsible for what was done to me by someone else. I take responsibility for it, am working on it myself, but he does support me when need be.

One 'must' is really clear, open communication without any blame.
It is possible though, but only when you are mature, strong and willing enough to recover. And fully accept it's your problem. Not your ex's, not the new partner's, but yours. And you have to take full responsibility. If you can't (yet), you best not get involved.

Funzy65's photo
Thu 02/02/17 02:35 AM
Edited by Funzy65 on Thu 02/02/17 02:46 AM

Trust ??..I have a good Lawyer now.

I told my Ex wife once that Men are like
Mature Wine.
The older they get, the better they become.

The next day she locked me in the cellar. whoa

no photo
Thu 02/02/17 05:46 AM
Do you think you can trust a new partner after years being mentally abused by ex spouse?

Hypothetically and theoretically? Sure. Anything's possible.

Otherwise, it depends on a ton of different variables.

The question is too general.

If the question is "do you think you personally can trust a new partner after years of being mentally abused by ex spouse?" then the answer is "no."
Not who I am right now. How did I not avoid a mentally abusive spouse? How did I not leave them before "years" passed by?
Who I am now would have to be a certain type of person in order to allow that to happen.
The person that allowed that to happen mixed with who I am now on this forum, would not be able to avoid bringing that baggage to a new relationship in order to sabotage it and work against trusting them, at the very least in a passive aggressive way.

If the question is "do you think people in general can trust a new partner after years of being mentally abused by ex spouse?"
I would say "no." People "in general" have busy lives and more important things to do than sit around emotionally masturbating with their ego.
I think people in general are affected by their baggage, move forward, and adapt to it.
"Trust" isn't a light switch either on or off, an absolute.
Everyone has insecurities.

If the question is "do you think I can trust a new partner after years of being mentally abused by ex spouse?"
I would say "I have no idea, I don't know you or your situation, it depends on a lot of things. It's possible since I know nothing of you."


Tom4Uhere's photo
Thu 02/02/17 07:31 AM
Do you think you can trust a new partner after years being mentally abused by ex spouse?

Me, personally? Yes

The person I have become since I was abused is different now. I have learned to live in the here and now...the present.
I have more control over my desires because I live in the moment in a world of reality where I tend to see people as they are now, with me.
I am an optimistic person. I trust people readily and judge the relationships I build with them on how they treat me moment by moment.

Experience has taught me that there has to be a limit to how much I will forgive those that offend me. In the past I was too forgiving. I tended to accept and make up excuses for how I was treated. I 'endured' those red flags for the sake of the relationship which made the abuse last longer than it should. Trust is not always broken on a huge in-your-face red flag. Sometimes it is broken by little things that just keep happening between you.

When I meet someone new, whether a potential partner or a new acquaintance, I tend to accept them as to how they demonstrate themselves to me personally. Past 'abuses' from my life are not forgotten but they are not expected either because all people are different, all relationships are different. I don't 'watch' for signs but I try not to ignore them when they do occur. Many of the 'ants' in a relationship can be thwarted with simple communication long before they become 'elephants'. Honest, open communication is vital in my relationships now. That communication is not only verbal it must also be demonstrated with actions.

Mental abusers tend to 'say' one thing and 'do' something else. People say and do things in the passion of emotion that do not always reflect how they wish to express themselves. I understand this. I also know that to need to constantly forgive someone is not good for a relationship either. Trust is broken when that happens. If trust is broken I know now that I need to end my relationship with that person. For trust to be broken, it must be there in the first place.

I will not accept a new partner that I do not trust. I will not allow a relationship to grow with them. If I do enter into a relationship with a new partner I know that I must trust them to be honest and open with me and I to them. Our pasts created who we are right now in this relationship. She is who she is because of her past and I am who I am because of my past. Who we are together is our past, present and possible future.

I have learned to trust myself therefore I am able to trust others.

IgorFrankensteen's photo
Sun 02/05/17 04:19 PM
Trust in others isn't based on them. It's based on faith in yourself, in your perceptions and self-discipline.

I've been there too. I did two basic things to recover myself.

1. I figured out carefully, why I chose to allow the abuse. What my beliefs were, what my self-image was, that sort of thing.

2. I figured out what my true boundaries were, and I dedicated myself to holding to them. No matter how attractive or desirable a woman might be, if the price of her time or seeming approval/affection requires me to give way on my now well-known emotional boundaries, I terminate the relationship. Or at least declare it to be friends only.

I know that I can trust MYSELF to stick to that. Therefore I don't HAVE TO trust the other person.

TMommy's photo
Sun 02/05/17 05:32 PM
mentally abused by your ex spouse

assumes a whole lot

ya know what they say about making assumptions laugh

Goofball73's photo
Sun 02/05/17 05:44 PM
Trust no one......except a hot chick who brings pizza and beer to you while you watch football. Yeah. Trust that girl for all time.

Jonathan83's photo
Sun 02/05/17 10:49 PM
Beer and pizza is all I need. Not so much a fan of football as I am a cute chick with booze and munchies.

no photo
Sun 02/05/17 11:00 PM
hey