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| Topic: Now,let's talk about MARRIAGE. | |
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Well now I’m hungry. Can you please make me a sandwich?
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Certainly,it is life changing in many ways.It is binding,self-assuring and priority shifting,etc. What makes you decide nor convinced to finally take the plunge?  When you feel it's right for you, and your partner feels the same way, that it's right for them. No one should feel they have to marry, and a long courtship so you both get to know each other very well is the best course in my opinion. Research seems to suggest those couples that become very good friends over time before marrying each other, have a greater chance of a successful marriage, than those that marry sooner and knowing their partners less well. |
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From the beginning, I wanted to BE married. I wanted what marriage was supposed to be: the formation of a committed pair, who would face whatever came, together. I have been intrigued to find that almost no one else on the planet actually wants to be married. What I mean is, that the majority of people want some sort of deal, where they get a list of things in exchange for a somewhat cautious and grudging agreement to TEMPORARILY tolerate the other persons' defects. Add to that, the problem of state interference in all married peoples lives, and I have come to be averse to being LEGALLY married. I very do still want the real and total commitment (though I have no expectation of finding it), but I will never allow the state to gain that much control of my personal life again. ^^^^ That... I don't buy into people's nonchalant statements "It's just a piece of paper, it doesn't matter." Most people want a commitment -or so they say- but at the same time they're afraid to commit themselves. They only commit up to the point that they can still get out easily. Most feel it's a trap. What happened to love? Doesn't it say people don't trust themselves anymore? Don't trust their own wisdom and choices, because they themselves made the wrong choice in the past and now are afraid to do the same thing. And just in case they do, they want to make sure they can at least get out easier now. That says someone didn't get over their past. If you don't want to 'do it again and get trapped again' you are still controlled by what happened in the past. Then people conveniently blame the ex for that and with that don't take responsibility for their own choice, and the reason they ended up in that situation to begin with. Which is the healing part. And then marriage / relationships as a whole get the blame and a bad rap while in actual fact it's just their own poor judgement and not working through problems that's behind reluctance and fear to commit again. The funny thing is that they do expect to find 'real love'. How can you if you are still being run by your past? It is impossible. You can find a version of love that resonates with you, but that's not the version people want so they set themselves up for failure. All because they never really worked through the problems of their past. Then they say "It's just a piece of paper, I don't need that" which is the ego and wounded inner child stepping in to make them feel a little better (defense mechanism). That's easier than sorting their problems so they can be free, have a heart that's healed and ready for the love they crave deep down. So most go through life with a heart that's 60% open and available -if that- and to pretend they're doing okay utter nonsense like "It's just a piece of paper!" You know what? If it was just a piece of paper it wouldn't be a problem to get married. Since for most it IS a problem to get married again -especially for men btw- it is not 'just' a piece of paper, it is WAY more. |
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I would have to be over the top in love with Him. Considering he is very Kind and we have the same interests in Life.
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Certainly,it is life changing in many ways.It is binding,self-assuring and priority shifting,etc. What makes you decide nor convinced to finally take the plunge? I do want to get married and start a family but It is certainly a life-changing decision. That's why I've been taking my sweet time, much to my mother's chagrin. She's tried to set me up with everyone of her friends daughters but after a few dates I wasn't satisfied that any of them would be a good match. Maybe I'm too picky  But when I hear the kind of problems my friends are having in their marriage it kind of cools my jets to make a decision I'd regret for the rest of my life. I always keep an eye open for that rare pearl though. One never knows  |
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 don't merry when you are desperate, but the right time is when you find a true partner to live with and to go crazy with ! |
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The person you are dating, the person you get married to, and the person you've lived with for 10 years are 3 very different people in most cases. There is often very little resemblance between the one you dated and the one you been living with for 10 years!!
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Edited by
I_love_bluegrass
on
Fri 10/26/18 08:25 AM
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You can be in a committed long term relationship with out all the strings. It's easy done it for many years. It's possible. Only reason we split up was his company transferred him. We had a great relationship and are still friends now. I actually just spoke to him and his new girl friend the other day. We are still good friends. It's all about how you Love, trust, honor and respect each other. I am still friends with most of my ex boyfriends and ex husbands. I agree with your line: "It's all about how you Love, trust, honor and respect each other." Sadly, the times *I* have been involved with somneone long term that *didn't* involve marriage...they had one foot out the door for the duration, and excused any cheating behaviour with "well...we're not married"... Some for *myself*, based on *my* lived experiences, I would not enter into another long-term relationship *unless* we were to be married. Also, as i have mentioned 2-3 times in other posts..these guys who complain they lost the house, everything...blah balh... I don't know how that happened, unless she had evidence you were cheating. My ex husband, in the 80's..he cheated several times, and wanted to marry the last one..HE filed. We did a no fault...I took what *I* brought in (which was most of the furnoture and appliances), and got my half of the equity in/ value of the house (he had to rebuy it back, or something) Could I have "taken him to the cleaners"? Sure..but why? I was able to take the money and put a down payment on another place..and life went on...and I went on to meet 2 wonderful men after that, and am now sadly a widow. I guess it is based on what past relationshipsone has had.. if all you have ever had was bad marrieages...then I;d understand not wanting that again. But what *my* relationship with my ex taught me was to be WAY more selective and screen more carefully than I had with him...and that worked out better for me in relationships after him. But, ultimately..it boils down to it's OK to want what you want..... Don't want to be married...fine.. DO want to be married..fine.. Just be straight up, honest, and transparent with your partner about this in the beginning....so they are not deluded into an arrangement they don't want and can't accept. |
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It seems that most women want a relationship of some type and a significant amount would like that to lead to marriage. When they figure out a man isn't interested in going there, they no longer are interested in him. Women don't seem to want to date but want to evaluate men for their relationship potential. They seem to want to do this evaluation in a serial fashion and immediately dispose of anyone not meeting their relationship ideals.
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I think when people use phrases like: "Its just a piece of paper" they're just saying that its not as important to them as when they were younger....it doesnt hold a specialness. I dont think they mean they dont value a committed relationship. Just leery of a marriage and the pomp and circumstance etc. I can see how it would bother someone who really still values the whole marriage idea tho. I dont think the two are actually that far apart from agreeing. This is kinda what I was getting at. But in the US, married couples get certain tax deductions. Many of those deductions involve raising children. Though perhaps outdated now, that part of the tax code was originally intended to provide incentive for couples to marry and have children. Take children out of the equation, and the legal incentives pretty much evaporate. But there's also the costs involved with a wedding ceremony. If you desire a ceremony as an affirmation of commitment that can be witnessed by and shared with friends and family, it will often cost as much as buying a new car. When the "golden years" of retirement are looking ahead, many people just don't want that added expense, especially when they have already raised a family, and are just getting back to keeping more income for themselves. So it really becomes just an expensive "piece of paper". As long as you are careful with your search, you can find love and commitment without the need to be married. Even when you bring religion into it, if God sees all, then He already sees how committed you are, whether you have a ceremony or not. The ceremony doesn't create the commitment. That comes from within. It often doesn't even reinforce commitment because unfortunately many people only pay lip service and choose the wrong reasons. No legal document or church vow is going to change those people. It's on us to avoid a one-sided commitment with those people. |
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I think when people use phrases like: "Its just a piece of paper" they're just saying that its not as important to them as when they were younger....it doesnt hold a specialness. I dont think they mean they dont value a committed relationship. Just leery of a marriage and the pomp and circumstance etc. I can see how it would bother someone who really still values the whole marriage idea tho. I dont think the two are actually that far apart from agreeing. This is kinda what I was getting at. But in the US, married couples get certain tax deductions. Many of those deductions involve raising children. Though perhaps outdated now, that part of the tax code was originally intended to provide incentive for couples to marry and have children. Take children out of the equation, and the legal incentives pretty much evaporate. But there's also the costs involved with a wedding ceremony. If you desire a ceremony as an affirmation of commitment that can be witnessed by and shared with friends and family, it will often cost as much as buying a new car. When the "golden years" of retirement are looking ahead, many people just don't want that added expense, especially when they have already raised a family, and are just getting back to keeping more income for themselves. So it really becomes just an expensive "piece of paper". As long as you are careful with your search, you can find love and commitment without the need to be married. Even when you bring religion into it, if God sees all, then He already sees how committed you are, whether you have a ceremony or not. The ceremony doesn't create the commitment. That comes from within. It often doesn't even reinforce commitment because unfortunately many people only pay lip service and choose the wrong reasons. No legal document or church vow is going to change those people. It's on us to avoid a one-sided commitment with those people. Unless your deductions are *more* than the standard deductions, then..no...those tax incentives don't matter.. And, as most people I know (and *did* know) didn't have enough deductions to do that, thsat was irrelevant. My late husband and I got married in the courthouse...it cost $45 as I recall.. Then we went to Cracker Barrel...then he went to work (he worked second shift), and I went home. If someone needs to spend thousands of dollars on a ceremony for their own "showing off"...then, well...¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I'd wonder about their level of maturity. Same goes for very expensive engagement rings.. I wouldn't let a partner spend a lot of money on a ring...that mpney could be bbetter spent elsewhere...on a house, vacation, whatever. But, again....to each their own. |
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From the beginning, I wanted to BE married. I wanted what marriage was supposed to be: the formation of a committed pair, who would face whatever came, together. I have been intrigued to find that almost no one else on the planet actually wants to be married. What I mean is, that the majority of people want some sort of deal, where they get a list of things in exchange for a somewhat cautious and grudging agreement to TEMPORARILY tolerate the other persons' defects. Add to that, the problem of state interference in all married peoples lives, and I have come to be averse to being LEGALLY married. I very do still want the real and total commitment (though I have no expectation of finding it), but I will never allow the state to gain that much control of my personal life again. ^^^^ That... I don't buy into people's nonchalant statements "It's just a piece of paper, it doesn't matter." Most people want a commitment -or so they say- but at the same time they're afraid to commit themselves. They only commit up to the point that they can still get out easily. Most feel it's a trap. What happened to love? Doesn't it say people don't trust themselves anymore? Don't trust their own wisdom and choices, because they themselves made the wrong choice in the past and now are afraid to do the same thing. And just in case they do, they want to make sure they can at least get out easier now. That says someone didn't get over their past. If you don't want to 'do it again and get trapped again' you are still controlled by what happened in the past. Then people conveniently blame the ex for that and with that don't take responsibility for their own choice, and the reason they ended up in that situation to begin with. Which is the healing part. And then marriage / relationships as a whole get the blame and a bad rap while in actual fact it's just their own poor judgement and not working through problems that's behind reluctance and fear to commit again. The funny thing is that they do expect to find 'real love'. How can you if you are still being run by your past? It is impossible. You can find a version of love that resonates with you, but that's not the version people want so they set themselves up for failure. All because they never really worked through the problems of their past. Then they say "It's just a piece of paper, I don't need that" which is the ego and wounded inner child stepping in to make them feel a little better (defense mechanism). That's easier than sorting their problems so they can be free, have a heart that's healed and ready for the love they crave deep down. So most go through life with a heart that's 60% open and available -if that- and to pretend they're doing okay utter nonsense like "It's just a piece of paper!" You know what? If it was just a piece of paper it wouldn't be a problem to get married. Since for most it IS a problem to get married again -especially for men btw- it is not 'just' a piece of paper, it is WAY more. |
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I think everyone is affected by their past whether it be a relationship or a car accident or anything else.
We all have baggage from the past. It isn’t my reason for not wanting to marry again. It is just a piece of paper. I’ve been married and there’s no reason to do it again. I’m not going to have children. I wanted to experience marriage but it was no different than living common law. I can still have a long term committed relationship without marriage. |
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@Bluegrass:
The whole ceremony thing really is just showing off. From the earliest beginnings, it was intended to be a display for other people. But religion tried to spin it to be about "vows before God". What a bunch of b.s. God already knows, and knows if you are just putting on a display rather than taking it to heart. But....that's what most people seem to want. A small ceremony with only 4 or 5 people and a Justice of the Peace doesn't feel special to them. Those kinds of ceremonies are just for the couple themselves, which should make it *more* special. But that's now how most people think, it seems. As for the deductions, many people don't know how to use them properly. My sister could really say a lot more about it. She has every single cent planned out before it's spent, so she will take every discount and deduction she can if it means more money in her pocket. |
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Well now I’m hungry. Can you please make me a sandwich? Sure, just mail me, two slices of good Italian bread, some nice spicy salami, a chunk of aged cheddar, a few lettuce leafs, three slices of tomato, a smear of brown mustard, and a toaster. And I'll mail your sandwich right back to you. |
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You don’t have that stuff for a sandwich? What’s wrong with you?
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Albeit,over the years,i am quite tad wrapped in diverse culture.But,as far as marriage is concerned,i'm a self-confessed "old school" kind of gal in this department.Just incurable emotional hopeless romantic soul that simply allows to freely flown-in in my idealistic system.That then leads to a premature marriage @ the tender age of 24.And eventually,caught myself in a 7 long years Abusive Narcissistic union.Resulted me to become a Pistanthrophobic for the very longest time.
So,basically it's all about pure love all alone when i ventured into marriage then. In spite and despite the breakdown of the matrimony.I am still all for marriage.But this time,i must be clever enough in seriously entertaining the thought of "Why i want,Who i want". In general,marriage is indeed a beautiful thing one can ever happen to every couple who were lucky enough to find each other,genuinely bonded with love,respect and honesty regardless of the challenges that comes along the way. |
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Edited by
I_love_bluegrass
on
Fri 10/26/18 10:36 AM
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In general,marriage is indeed a beautiful thing one can ever happen to every couple who were lucky enough to find each other,genuinely bonded with love,respect and honesty regardless of the challenges that comes along the way. I think that's why I feel the way I do. Aside from my first marriage (in the 80's, which was a complete goat screw)...I went on to have 2 guys I was bonded with, shared ideals, beliefs, many, many interests, and so forth. Even though my first was a mistake..I didn't have a bitter, pessimistic view of marriage.. I just knew I needed to be more selective, and careful about who I got involved with the next time. |
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I am still all for marriage.But this time,i must be clever enough in seriously entertaining the thought of "Why i want,Who i want". Regardless of our discussions in this thread, this pretty much sums up how I feel about marriage right now. Granted, I've never been married, so I don't have any baggage from past marriages to worry about. But still, the ideal of marriage does hold some appeal to me. That's why I need to be sure it's the right person, AND what both of us really want. And that's probably why I still have hesitance over dating older women. I was trying to prompt greater discussion before bringing this view up, but it apparently fizzled. If I'm going actually marry someone, it's because I really do want to grow old *with* her rather than watch her grow old sooner than me. |
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Edited by
I_love_bluegrass
on
Fri 10/26/18 10:57 AM
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And that's probably why I still have hesitance over dating older women. I was trying to prompt greater discussion before bringing this view up, but it apparently fizzled. If I'm going actually marry someone, it's because I really do want to grow old *with* her rather than watch her grow old sooner than me. I understand what you are saying, but...bear this in mind.. Accidents or serious illness can happen to anyone, at any age...none of us are guaranteed another day. You could get with a younger weomsan, and something could happen that she died first. My late husband was 3 years younger than me, and died in his sleep from a condition no one knew he had (asymptomatic, subclinical). Why about women near your age (as oppossed to "older" ones")...? What's wrong with that? "Statistics' show in women and men of the same age...it is *usually* the woman who lives longer. |
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