I just realized today that recovery is like a tranquilizer. It does give me peace in so many ways. I am glad I am a groupie instead of a loner. Groupies have more fun. It was hard for me to imagine how it must hurt the nurse I talked to when she lost her license. Being a RN nurse for 25 years was all that she ever done. She was so overcome with guilt and I know she will have to find a new line of work. All we could offer her was to keep coming back. She took the serenity chip because we said that all she needed was the desire. She has the desire and we hope she is willing to give our way of life a chance.

How wonderful

Yeah. That is what I thought. What impressed me most was that she admitted she had a problem. That is the hardest part of it getting past step one. I like what the A. A. big book says on it. "Who cares to admit defeat?" When you get knocked off the track you just to get back on track. She honestly admitted that she didn't even know that if she could get her license back if she could stop using. Addiction is such a powerful thing but she seems like a smart lady and I hope to see her at the next meeting. It is better to lose a job than one's life.

Still on hold waiting for news about dad. They haven't scheduled his ultrasound as of today. He is too weak to stand now, really depressed, and barely eating. He even skipped breakfast out this weekend, that was a first in years. He said he had a bruised rib (from them using the lift to move him from his chair) but the nurse said it wasn't his rib but his liver causing him pain. So, who knows.

Have a good week.

My prayers are with you that you will survive this experience with your dad's condition, Marie. They call Alzheimer the long goodbye. It is strange dealing with residents who have this. I get to know them but they forget who I am. The hard part is to realize that they are my elders but they can act like children. The coworker and me are stuck on this continual loop of damn if you do and damn if you don't. I know the waiting must be the hard part.

Got my third or fourth write up since I have been at the facility, today. It is basically watch your back since you don't know where the next knife will be coming from. I am getting where I don't trust anyone at this stage. I feel like a scapegoat. I even got where I told the DON that I might be giving my two weeks notice and that I am tired of being the fall guy. I went around scowling all day and the nurse even told me to cheer up. I am getting where I am slowing down and watching everything I do. I have been trying to cheer up but it is hard. I think I will throw myself a pity party.

Hang in there, Roy. I've been there, and unfortunately all you can do is watch your back and take what joy you can in the other aspects of your job.

Me, I've been out of work for almost a month now and I'm starting to go absolutely stir crazy. At least my love life has picked up; I got a phone call from a long time ex-boyfriend, and he's not so ex anymore. We've got a long history together, I just hope that we've both learned how to deal with the stress in our lives to make a real go at it this time. It's early, but I'm very excited.

Roy - I know how you feel. I hope things smooth out for you at work. Hate that feeling of wearing a "target" on your back. I got called into the "principal's" office myself. Sent my supervisor an e-mail over the ex-manager problem and the way she was treating me. Got called in for a meeting with the ex-manager, my supervisor and the HR manager to "iron out" the problems. The main reason the meeting happened was that I told my supervisor I was going to Employee Advisory Services for help dealing with the stress the ex-manager was causing me - then "bam" called to the meeting. The ex-manager lied out her butt about what she told me, I knew she wouldn't tell the truth. But my supervisor apologized for not reacting sooner and helping me get my issues resolved. Everyone seemed happy in the end, but I don't trust it, still feel like I have a target on my back. Time will tell.

Angie - sorry you still haven't found a job. Hope you find one soon. Good luck with the ex.

My dad is fading fast, his liver is not making platelets like it should and he is having bleeding problems now, basically quit eating, can't stand at all now, so I suspect it won't be long now. I think he has just made up his mind and is tired and ready to go.

Hope everyone has a good week. Take care.

Hi Marie
I went thru almost the same thing as you have with my previous job. I didnt get along with my boss she was very intimated by me I dont know why I am a people lover and have no enemies.
But she made my life a living hell. I was called into the human resources office to explain our working relationship she lied about everything and since she was the "boss" I ended up being humilated. I quit that job due to stress and panic attacks. I now have a better job still stressful but nothing like trying to deal with her everyday. I make less money but I get along with my boss now.
Just hang on you are going thru alot right now with your dad and job i took care of my daddy when he was going thru his cancer. I worked full time had 2 small children and was his caregiver.
It is really hard but you are such a strong woman you can do this.
I am thinking about you and wishing you only good things to happen in your life time heals alot.
Love ya and appreciate you
Terri

Today went better. The DON told me to come talk to her. The letter write up she discussed with the person the write up went to. They both thought maybe I should ask for some vacation time since I haven't in two years since I have been there. One of our aides did drop a resident not on purpose but has lost her license and may be up on manslaughter charges. The resident's femur bone was broken and they had a metal brace on her leg. The big boss under the owner of the facility told me not to lift any resident that the doctor has designated as a two person lift by myself even if I can physically lift them. That being said since my coworker has been telling the DON that we are shorthanded the DON told the nurse that was taking one of our aide on our floor that no she can't take them and that we are supposed to have four aides and if one of their aides on another floor calls in that they have to get a replacement from somewhere else. It was a victory for the aides. The DON told me if I needed to come any time her door was open to me. The DON told me that the way we have been running shorthanded was just asking for an accident. What turned the battle was when I threatened to quit because she knew if I quit that the coworker would be ahead of me going out the door. The DON told me that if I needed a vacation I was okay for three days but any more and they would be too shorthanded. She also gave me a carton of eggs that her chickens had laid.

The funniest thing that happened, today was when an aide on another floor had to take this doll away from this 90 year old resident because she was trying to breastfeed it. At least I thought it was funny.

Roy - sounds like your day went better. Someone is finally starting to pay attention and stick up for you guys at your work. It is about time. I am glad she is defending you. Sounds like she really cares.

I started making "those" calls yesterday to family members. Wasn't sure about it, I don't have a diagnosis yet for dad, but he is turning yellow, his skin, the whites of his eyes, having some bleeding problems because his liver isn't making blood platelets for clotting like it should. His ultrasound is Monday. He went ballistic today at the home, they told him they threw away his recliner, he has lived in it since late 2005, but it was soaked with urine and filthy and they were worried about infection as he has some sores. They finally got him into a bed. He is just plain pissed now. They told him when he was ready to get back into the chair they would get him a new one, that didn't do any good. I do think he has made up his mind and he just wants to go. You can almost see it in his eyes. If it is cancer, I hope it happens fast without him suffering, whatever it is, I don't want him lingering on and suffering. I just dread this process again. Went through it with my mom in 2006, brother in 2007. My brain feels like mush these days. Thanks for listening.

Thanks everyone for your kind words and support. You guys are the best. Take care and have a great weekend.

I could tell that she cares, Marie just as soon as she had me go into her office. She was venting with me how she has been in the business for 50 years. She is the one that hired me and told me that anyone could do the actual work but what was needed that was people that cared. She diagnosed me as stressed and said that with our workload it would be easy for us to forget stuff. One of the things we learned while taking our nurse classes in college was the quality of life in a long term care facility. We try to ease their suffering and give them privacy, dignity and respect. I know the calls you have to make will be rough on you. It is fortunate that he has you. We had to toss out one recliner for the same reason because it was made out of cloth material. But managed to save one recliner because it could be washed. One resident who likes to sleep in the area around the nurse's station in a recliner we got to put in that resident's room. I am glad that the DON is there for us. I sometimes think she has more pressure on her than anyone at the facility because she is the only liaison for the IRCAs, Aides and CNAs. Because she is still only a CNA herself she catches it between the Nurses and Aides. She is like the one who watches you come in and the one who watches you go out. I am just thankful I don't have her job. I pray comfort for you during these times you are going through.

A friend has told me that I can buy his mobile home and the rent I pay to him will go to the buying of the trailer. I am just waiting for mom to tell me that the person who is going to buy this property has bought it. It came at a good time because it will allow me to pay my student loans of $371.00 a month and still have money to live on after I pay the loans back. It relieved some stress for me because the stress of it was affecting the stress I have at work. I had a great weekend and hope others did, too.

Sounds like a good deal Roy, hope it works out for you. You deserve a good break for a change.

Gentle - thanks for you support and kind words, I do appreciate them.

Dad is about the same, started on morphine yesterday. Basically out of it most of the time. Supposed to have his ultrasound of his liver tomorrow to see what is going on, but it won't be good, he is getting jaundiced, etc.
If it is cancer, I just want him to go fast, not suffer.

Thank you all for your wonderful support and listening. Take care and have a great week.

sorry to hear that Marie..

hugs marie..my thoughts and prayers are with you.

hugs marie... broken keyboard so cant type much so hugs2u

Dad died at 7:30 or so this morning. The home called me that he was crashing about 5 a.m. and they were transporting him to the ER. I was there about 5:30 and sat with him. I am not sure he knew I was there, he just stared into space, was struggling to breathe. One advantage with working at the hospital, everybody knows me, the respiratory therapist is a friend and we talked and he gave me a couple of big hugs, told me I had no guilt, I had been a good loving daughter, had taken excellent care of my dad over these years. The ER doc even gave me a hug. Other employees gave me hugs too. Went to the home to pick up his belongings and got logs of hugs and tears there too, they really liked him and will miss him a lot too. He went quietly, will not be in pain anymore.

Thank you all for your support.

Marie, I am sorry to hear that your dad past away but like you say the pain has ended. I pray for you comfort during the grief you will experience. I am glad you were with him before the passing.