I love under the tuscan sun

very very bad

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, “Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.”

The man replied, “I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!”

The woman continued, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.”

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle, and extends it back to the woman.

Politely, the woman refuses to accept the bottle.

The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”

The woman replies, “No. I think I’ll just wait for the police…”

WHAT DOCTORS SAY, AND WHAT THEY ARE REALLY THINKING;




"This should be taken care of right away."
I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

"Welllllll, what have we here...?"
He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.

"Let me check your medical history."
I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.

"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time.
--or--
I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.

"We have some good news and some bad news."
The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.

"Let's see how it develops."
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.

"Let me schedule you for some tests."
I have a forty percent interest in the lab.

"I'd like to have my associate look at you."
He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.

"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.

"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
I think I'm going to throw up.

"This may smart a little."
Last week two patients bit off their tongues.

"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"
I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?

"This should fix you up."
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.

"Everything seems to be normal."
Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.

"I'd like to run some more tests."
I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.

"Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
You're crazier'n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who'll split fees with me ...

"There is a lot of that going around."
My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.

"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week.

A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.

The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.

She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was lying dead on their porch

box of condoms, spanish fly, a rope, chainsaw, and a deep freezer (hmmmm something like jeffrey dahmer bought )

The Patch


Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Budweiser.

The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a dadgum police roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!"

Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads then throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?" asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talkin', OK?," said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight and put the labels on each of their foreheads.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Howdy boys ya'll been drinkin'?

" No sir," said Earl while pointing at the labels... "Me and Bubba's on the Patch."

orgasm man

public restroom deffinately I won't sit on them... you don't know what kind of bum diseases are out there GROSS

hmm johnny depp and clooney are sure loved here

oops
1979

dave matthews band

who in the hell is that????


here's one..
Dave matthews Band (the best)

when...

who is the hottest female and male celebs???? must answer both.





female-kate hudson
male-Joey Lawrence lol (WOW)

shows their age.... hmmmm sometimes its funny we all have to act immature sometimes to not be so anal

yeah eat it... or eat the white bag, then eat some mayo to throw it up!!!!

lol I love this subject, I have became friends with all cops for just be pulled over.... like once we "borrowed" some street signs and got busted just start a conversation about how you want to become one and ask how it is in the acadamy and such... trust me it works or if your female act like you don't know what a regristration is or anything and then they'll just think your a diva and let you go......... its a proven system ask my friends we all be let off the hook many many many times

my neighborhood is aight I guess, pretty much know everybody... other than the stupid drama around here, we have some druggies lol and some are just loud but sometimes we are too.....

I am anal about mine too, I have to have mine in the front.

brought him back down to earth lol