perfect_punktuation's photo
Tue 10/26/10 05:41 PM
"broken is the golden bowl -

the spirit flown forever.

let the bell tell; let no soul flow

upon the Stygian river."

Poe is why i started writing.

perfect_punktuation's photo
Tue 10/26/10 05:39 PM
i am incapable of respecting coffee houses that don't have booze.

perfect_punktuation's photo
Tue 10/26/10 05:36 PM
what are your standards?

perfect_punktuation's photo
Tue 10/26/10 05:33 PM

It was intended to be just short of over-the-top satirical. Sorry if that didn't come through. People more familiar with my writing latched onto it almost immediately.




i meant no direct harm, Lex. "tear me to shreds" is a fairly direct instruction. i know you've written several books and i've read "Peripheral Crow". I know what you are capable of. If it was satirical then I did miss the point.

You posted in a forum created for evisceration and I gave you just that because you are a qualified writer - not because you've published, but because you have something to say, which I feel wasn't communicated in your poetry.

Debate me, demean me, defame me, or just ignore me. Thank you for posting in this forum.

perfect_punktuation's photo
Tue 10/26/10 05:26 PM

hey dude u know where to get some weed im not a cop im from vancouver and im feening out here for work


hey, dude - only cops type that poorly on purpose.

perfect_punktuation's photo
Tue 10/26/10 05:20 PM
those of you who aren't moderators and are under 30 who read this and don't respond are boring.

it's not a personal attack

since you have no personality.

perfect_punktuation's photo
Tue 10/26/10 05:19 PM
why, thank you, for your input.

it is surprisingly appreciated.

perfect_punktuation's photo
Tue 10/26/10 05:14 PM

PRESS 1 FOR MORE LIES

Platitudes for a thoughtless world,
Cliches for inertiads,
"There's someone for everyone"
"It comes when you're not looking"
More lies --
What next?
A man on the moon?

Generalizing, oversimplifying;
You say "I have the answer"
But it's an answer stolen
From thief after thief after thief,
None of whom ever had it to begin with
Because it's a lie
Think: 2+2=9

"This square peg fits in this round hole,
And if it doesn't,
We'll claim it does anyway --
Who can dispute us?"
Reality tells us otherwise --
Reality doesn't fit
In your
Box
Of
Lies



I don't believe you. The emotion of embitterment comes across more sternly than any message you are trying to convey (if any).

'Generalizing, oversimplifying;
You say "I have the answer"'

The greatest poetic lines in your poem, you continue to toy with them until they are almost unrecognizable amongst your ******** writing.

By not continuing the quotable theme of the first stanza you deny the possibility for personal identification to your words. If distance is what you want, then you've succeeded, but that's not what I believe.

Through your individual piece I don't like you enough to trust math equations you complete, whether or not you complete them - I become uninterested. Imagine what the ordinary, uninterested reader will feel.

You have, clearly, enough intelligence to write the ******** poetry you've more than begun to. Do you have the gall to stick to limiting styles?

Your words sing truer than your message, which is an essential **** up.

You've already written four or five books. If you can't write a poem about the girl that broke your heart I'm about to become bored.

Don't get emo. Do me a favor and write it - since you are a writer.

perfect_punktuation's photo
Tue 10/26/10 04:59 PM
but she would get that west coast ~asterisk~. i don't know if i could handle crop that high in quality.

perfect_punktuation's photo
Tue 10/26/10 04:58 PM
okay - you win.

perfect_punktuation's photo
Tue 10/26/10 04:57 PM
i wish i was that rock.

perfect_punktuation's photo
Tue 10/26/10 04:56 PM
if weed causes panic attacks

is it worth it to smoke?

(just to feel different from the natural emotional scheme [which is what any substance is anyway])

perfect_punktuation's photo
Tue 10/26/10 04:54 PM

Are you sure it's not the purple-haired who win?


fine. be observant.

i dig redheads.

perfect_punktuation's photo
Tue 10/26/10 04:51 PM

You KNOW I don't want to do this.
But I will, the once, for you P_P.

Some background..
I wrote this for a feller I met on M2.
He had asked me if I knew what his
nick-name meant..I had answered 'Is it
about dental floss?'
It had the word 'glide' in it.
He was appalled, apparently the first
motorcycle by Harley was the Electra Glide
so I wrote this to show I grasped it.

DETRIMENTAL
I never finished it as it was over before then
so, the syllable matches are off...
DETRIMENTAL

Outlaw

He glides with electra, into the night
they ride as one at the wind
The righteous shy away in fright
like the devil himself has sinned.

He thunders into the darkening bend
trails of his dust flying high
He knows what he needs to defend to the end
and he knows what he needs to defy.

He flaunts his freedom in weathered chaps
as he haunts the home of the brave
He smiles behind his shades of glass
because the road to hell is paved.




In the first line "electra" should be capitalized. I think the whole sentence would benefit from ending with a period after "night".

"The righteous ones shy away in their fright" is how I would have written the line. If you don't agree with it - rock n' roll - but that's how I truly feel.

"He thunders into the darkening bend
trails of his dust flying high"

Be more prosaic.

'As he thunders into the dark bend,/ Trails of his dust flying high"

There's a lot of room to move in on that moment. Don't ignore it. It could be the core of the piece.

"He flaunts his freedom in weathered chaps
as he haunts the home of the brave
He smiles behind his shades of glass
because the road to hell is paved."

Come on. You've brought me this far to give up on your own style?

Nothing matches. The piece is incomplete. Knowledge, as was supplied to me, was to rewrite it without a copy and see what you get.

"because the road to hell is paved" has excellent structure and is interesting in its visual nature. Don't quite being brilliant there. You waver off, diminishing the great knock-out of the final stanza, which is necessary.

"as he haunts the home of the brave" may be the truest sentence in the poem, but it doesn't communicate well and it is awkward. There is a lot of potential here for a GREAT (i hate all caps) piece, but it's held back by your personal connection to the lines.

cheers.

perfect_punktuation's photo
Tue 10/26/10 04:36 PM

Yeah, I don't climb ladders. Ever. laugh

It took me over a year to find it. One day I was just sitting there.... contemplating.... and I noticed it up there.
What is they say about the best hiding spot being in plain sight? smokin





Doyle. Holmes.

nobody ever looks in plain sight as they expect that which is important to be hidden.

contemplating is one of my favorite words.

perfect_punktuation's photo
Tue 10/26/10 04:33 PM
redheads win.

it's nothing to be sorrowful or upset about;

redheads win.

you can continue doing what you were doing. just wanted you to know that.

perfect_punktuation's photo
Tue 10/26/10 04:31 PM
one of the best pieces, visually, that i've read by you. i have a tendency to edit everything that i read. that's the sarcastic sadist or something in me. interesting ideas in this piece i feel could have been expanded upon or ideas that could have been more decisively rendered. i only comment because i enjoy; otherwise i would leave you a smiley face, brother.

perfect_punktuation's photo
Tue 10/26/10 04:28 PM

Too slow. Always trying to keep up.
As the oldest of 3 I got a lot of the (negative) attention.
Women can to joke! :tongue:
Perfect - is my picture outta focus? I've been told that that pic doesn't look like me. It's only a couple weeks old.


you rock. don't be concerned.

perfect_punktuation's photo
Tue 10/26/10 04:27 PM

The smell of pumpkin moonshine filled the air. Fall was offically on it's way. Melissa was sooo excited she couldn't sleep a wink. To calm herself visually, she even went as far as to paint her room pink! But it didn't work. Nope, nothing seemed to work.

She tried everything, and I mean EVERYTHING! Herbal teas, aromatherapy, meditation, and exercise. Hell, even her granny's world renowned Tryptophan Casserole didn't work. None of them worked. It started to feel like all was pointless, and Melissa was doomed to never sleep again.

Was it something she could live with? She often pondered this question, and one day finally realized, of course not. Nobody can live without sleep! The moment she came to this epiphany, if was almost as if a small weight had been lifted from the endoplasmic reticulum of her nether region. Feeling better, she decided to go out.

Now mind you, Melissa lived in a very small town, and there's really not a whole lot to do there. If you ever find yourself there, you have two choices -

1) Go to Buttcrack Bayou and grab a beer.

2) Go to Skeeterpeters Pornographic Get-N-Go, and you know...

Being the girl Melissa is, she obviously chose...

Dun Dun Dunnnnnnn

To find out the answers to these questions, and more...

... tune in next week for the exciting conclusion of;

Diaries of a Pornographic Puzzle Farter


If you're as smart as you tend to write you should be able to juggle impossible allegories with your fantastic stories; instead, left behind, is a chaotic mess with no ending or beginning and not even worthy of the terminology "in medias res".

Do better.

perfect_punktuation's photo
Tue 10/26/10 04:19 PM
i feel ignored.

this is only child syndrome.

except it's just boredom.

for real - what should i critique?

dig the pic, torgo.

row - you're cooler in focus.