very good 🤣

Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey?


Because proper tea is theft.

I cannot stand people who refuse to let go of the past.


Debt collectors are the worst.

apparently the counselling course for self harmers is fully booked.
Those who missed out must be kicking themselves.

I have read somewhere that it is a legal requirement to switch on your headlights to drive if it is raining in Sweden.

How the hell am I supposed to know if it is raining in Sweden?

Teacher to Tommy:

“If I gave you two apples, and when you get home your Uncle gave you one, what would you have?”


Tommy:
“Two apples and a sore arse!”

An English cat called "One two three" and a French cat called "Un deux trois" are arguing over which cat is the best swimmer,
so they decide to have a race over the English channel and, of course, the English cat won,
because the Un deux trois cat sank!

hehehe

I sympathise. my dog ate my Scrabble set. for days after he kept leaving little messages on the floor.

exciting news for insomniacs.

Only 3 more sleeps until Christmas!

I woke up this morning determined to drink less, eat right and exercise more.

But that was four hours ago, when I was younger and so full of hope.

I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency.

I've just been on a zoom call to my local council and I asked for permission to have a skip outside my house.

The woman from the council said "Yes, go for it fatty - you could do with the exercise"

Julie Andrews says she will no longer endorse cheap lipstick because she says it crumbles and makes her breath smell.

She explained: "The super colour fragile lipstick gives me halitosis"

I've been offered a job in a chicken processing factory, for minimum wage.

I turned it down. I'm not working there for those poultry wages....

I've just got a job for Halloween making plastic Draculas.

There's only two of us on the production line, so I've got to make every second count.....

I was glad of some advice with my profile when I first joined this site, but I have just re-written it and wold value any constructive opinions.

The bit at the end in BLOCK CAPITALS stays!

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr.Rustom about enlarging her breasts.
Dr Rustom advised her 'Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say,
'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!'
She did this faithfully for several months!
To her utter amazement she grew terrific D-cup boobs!
One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realised she had forgotten her morning ritual.
Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes and said, 'Scooby doobie, doobies, I want bigger boobies.'
A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked 'Oh! Are you a patient of Dr. 'Rustom's?'
'Yes I am.. How did you know?'
He winked and replied, "Hickory dickory dock.

Quite topical on here

Funny though

I was walking to the exit of the supermarket, laden with eight shopping bags.

A man dressed as a clown opened the door for me.

I thought to myself - That was a nice jester