One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring.
"Where did you get that ring?" her husband asks.
"Well, she replies, "My boss and I played the lottery and we won, so I bought it with my share of the winnings."
A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat.
Where did you get that coat?" her husband asks.
She replies "My boss and I played the lottery and we won again, so I bought It with my share of the winnings."
Another week later, his wife comes home, driving a flaming red Ferrari.......You guessed it:
Her share of the lottery winnings....
That night, the wife asks her husband to run her a nice warm bath while She gets undressed.
When she enters the bathroom, she finds that there is barely enough water in the bath to cover the bath plug.
"What the hell is this?" she asks her husband.
"Well," he replies, "We don't want to get your lottery ticket wet, do we??"

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'
The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'
She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts.....
Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'did you call for me?' says the hairy man.
'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.
'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says.
The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the £500 membership fee.'
'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.'
The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 35 times a day!!'

John decided to travel to the U.S.

At the Embassy for the visa interview.

Officer : Where to in the U.S.

John : San Jose.

Officer : It's pronounced as San Hosey. J is pronounced as H in the U.S.

John : Oh, okay !

Officer : So how long do you plan to be in the U.S. ?

John : From Hanuary to Hune or Huly.

Visa Rejected

If you ever have to judge at a spelling bee and there's this kid who is really annoying you, ask them to spell the word "there"

When he asks for it in a sentence, say "Their car is parked over there and they're late!"

Then Aswin fainted an later ran away

Then what?

Paddy went to bed the other night, kissed his wife on the cheek and fell into a deep sleep.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates.

St Peter said, “You died in your sleep, Paddy.”

Paddy was stunned. “I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!”

St Peter said, “Hmm, perhaps that could be arranged. It involves a lot of paperwork… but sure. You've got two alternatives: You can come back as a fish or as a hen.”

Paddy never liked swimming, and thought that perhaps being a hen wouldn't be that bad after all. Walking around pecking at the ground, no stress, and if the local rooster was nice then perhaps it could be a comfortable existence.

Says Paddy, “Okay, then I choose to be a hen.”

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. “So, you're the new hen, eh? How's your first day here?”

“Not bad,” replied Paddy, “But I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!”

“You're ovulating,” explained the rooster, “But don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?”

“Never,” answers Paddy.

Says the rooster, “Well, just cluck twice and then push.”

Paddy clucked twice and pushed, and voila, out popped an egg!

Paddy was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood for the first time. He then clucked twice, pushed, and out came another egg. His joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout, “Bloody hell, ye eejit! Wake up. You're shitting the bed!!!”

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat, 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone."
"Well, that is wonderful," replies the husband.
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
"She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"
His funeral service will be held on Saturday.

Three nuns are in a car accident and, unfortunately, pass away from their injuries before help can arrive. They ascend and find themselves in front of the Pearly Gates facing St. Peter. Peter's job, as we all know, is to offer one final test to ensure only the worthy enter heaven.

Peter looks down at the three nuns and checks the ledger in front of him for their names and life stories.

The first nun, Sarah, has led a good and pious life. Peter decides to make her test a no-brainer.

Peter asks, "Sarah, in order to enter heaven, you must answer me one question. Who were the first woman and man?"
Sarah quickly says, "That's an easy one. It was Eve and Adam."
Beyond the gates, the trumpets sound, harps strum, a choir sings. The gates open and Sarah enters.

The second nun, Ester, has led a good life, but has from time to time strayed from the path of righteousness. Peter feels she deserves to enter, but he decides to make her test a touch more difficult.

Peter asks, "Ester, in order to enter heaven, you must answer me one question. Who received the Ten Commandments?
Ester replies, "Oh, that's an easy one. It was Moses."
Beyond the gates, the trumpets sound, harps strum, a choir sings. The gates open and Ester enters.

The third nun, Antonia, while holy, believes herself to be superior to others. She has bullied people, made them suffer, and never repented. Peter believes that she should spend a bit of time in Purgatory to learn humility and decides to ask her an impossible question.

Peter asks, "Antonia, in order to enter heaven, you must answer me one question. What were Eve's first words to Adam?"
Antonia doesn't know. Her eyes widen and Peter glares at her pause. To buy a little time, she says, "Oh, that's a hard one."
Beyond the gates, the trumpets sound, harps strum, a choir sings ...

GD

now is online digital too.. sit an scratch

You're in the Philippines, you can hardly feed yourself, let alone help anyone else.