watch out for dates. if they get out of line, kill them and eat them. dates are yummy. but they lie like dogs

Ok, so Ive been celibate for a few months now and broke my vow to myself thinking I had found the right person. He is not and never intended to be knowing how I felt before we did the dirty deed. Now he is using the same old workaholic excuses and I have told him not to contact me anymore. My heart is broken because I broke my vow to myself to wait fo rthe "rigth" man. I moved too soon. I don't know about these things. I have been married for too long and continue to be taken advantage of. And I let it happen. It is all my own fault. I just wish I could go to sleep forever and not have to deal with this ****

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day, John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was just about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. 'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?', they asked.
'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project' said Tommy.
The Robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
'Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after school.'

'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.'
'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.
'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.
The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.
With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen'
'I'm ashamed of you Son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.'
The robot then walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, He is your son!'
The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and slapped her three times.

I know I have no problem saying no.

whoooohoooo, you go girl

Hellfire, I wish I could find a relationship that can last more than a few hours

Daddy sent this to me. Share your stories of laughter in the out of the mouths of babes thread. Full of funnies

When my son of 4 was eating oreo's, I asked him if he wanted some milk. He nodded. I said you have to say yes please and asked him again. Again he nodded harder. I told him again he had to say yes please and he blurted out, cookie crumbs flying everywhere, "I'm not supposed to talk with my mouth full!"

READY FOR A GIGGLE??? READ THIS..........

Through a child's eyes... it's all in the way you look at it.



1) NUDITY

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"




2) OPINIONS

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."




3) KETCHUP

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."




4) MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"




5) POLICE # 1

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"




6) POLICE # 2

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"




7) ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"




8) DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."




9) DEATH

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Father, and unto the Son, and into the hole he goes."




10) SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"




11) BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear."

A Child's View - It's all in the way you look at it...

Through a child's eyes... it's all in the way you look at it.



1) NUDITY

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"




2) OPINIONS

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."




3) KETCHUP

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."




4) MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"




5) POLICE # 1

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"




6) POLICE # 2

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"




7) ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"




8) DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."




9) DEATH

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Father, and unto the Son, and into the hole he goes."




10) SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"




11) BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear."

A Child's View - It's all in the way you look at it...

Does childbirth really hurt? Does the sun come up every morning and the moon everynight? Doh!

Im so glad you took care of all this and that you are feeling better.

Hi (((Marie))) sorry the surgery has taken so much out of you, but am so glad to see you posting. Miss ya around here. Hope you can feel better and better. Take care with the food and hope you aren't having the upchuck problem I hear so much about.

Roy, I wish I had sharp wits like yours. Hell I wish I just had wits, lol

This was the last day of school. Long day and I forgot to take my meds so that explains a lot of how I was feeling today. I thought it was just critique jitters.

Talked to friend after everyone left the goodbye pizza party, and he said he would teach me how to weld. I am now an official apprentice and get to learn some new things. I have wanted to learn to weld for about 5 yrs now so I intend on taking advantage of this opportunity and being able to have something to do while school is out.

That's what you get for working on a Tempo Tell them to cube it and buy another car...and not a ford.

Purple, bad cookie....you're too kewl to have bad luck

I'll stick to my diet Pepsi. Been drining it since I was 14 and am now 40 and cancer free. Let's hope and pray I survive the next 40 years cuz I ain't givin it up for nothing.! I'll stand in the middle intersection with a cardboard sign saying will work for diet Pepsi if I have to

Tell the truth and be nice. How can you twist that around? If you think someone is mixed up about something and give your opionion, fine.

I'm not saying to lie, conform or otherwise, just pointing out IMHO that this thread (right or wrong) was started based on Shadow's opinion that too many people "conform in threads".

I simply said that we should all tell the truth, and by saying that, I did not imply or say that anyone is a liar.

Be nice, I did not imply or say that anyone was being rude or otherwise.

Why do some people have to complicate things so much. Just have fun, be truthful and be nice. How much more simple can that be? SHeeshsss

But hey,

What do I know?

The thread he used as an example must be a drama thread then too. There are way too many drama threads and basically this is about telling the truth, not who you like the best.

Basics are, have fun, realize this is the net, but there are real human beings on the other end of the posts and be nice. Simple.

Smoked since I was 12, and stopped when I was preggo three times. Stopped again for 9 mo, then again for 2 yrs. Started back up in 06, and quit again 13 days ago. I have COPD, chronic brochitis, asthma and my gramma is dying of it. her dad had it as well and smoked till the day he died when he was 96. That I just don't understand. I never intend on touching another cig as long as I live but I will never ever scold anyone who smokes either. Just as there are considerate smokers, there are considerate non-smokers. Intolerance stinks as much as cig smoke.

Gave it to a girl as a friend and she gave it out to a guy without my permission! Talk about pissed! Never expected that one.