i am rushed. i talk way too fast, and much too quiet. there is a riot
in my mind, all the time. when im fast my thoughts never last and then
i rewind to the past..even little things make me do it. and i say screw
it and try to tell myself that they blew it, not me, but it is that
curse upon the that makes me believe i am the one to be guilty for these
things that i cannot control. even feelings i cannot control,,,but
feelings are uncontrolable and unstopable in the first place, so to feel
guilty is undescribable and undeniably not my fault..but it still feels
like it.

and as to why i feel guilty..its a mind trick. when ur sick with a tick
for so long you think like that tick wants you to think, so that they
have that power over you. and, like a tick, they suck that life from
you. little does it bother you, at first, and then it does get
worse..like a curse,,,just to bring you down and wear you out and tear
you apart inside. it takes everything and anything away, and it does
pray on your soul. little does this tick know that he is erasing and
creating what in essence will in the end be who you really are.
identity is whats left after everything else is taken away..and after he
takes away what was first made of you... you have a new slate. like an
artist...to love a new slate to work with. to create who you want, when
you want, to erase the things that happened, but never forget, or
regret. to do so would be a decent of the rememborance of how you got
here in the first place. so, to feel guilty would be in all reality the
creativity of you creating yourself once again. Not in the way they
want, but in the way you want. the way you have always wanted.

so, make me feel guilty baby. make me miss what i thought was my perfect
pretend. make me contend to these ideas i had on my identity slate to
begin with..the ones you were drowning down with the suck of your
tickish swallow. the hollow which you have bestowed upon me will
eternally be crawling back upon you. it is a cycle, that is what they
say. a cycle of abusing and hurting and lying and following the
footsteps which you were braught up in. well, i shall follow mine as
well.

kharma is a *****, and like a little tick, you will suck it back to you.
my identity is here and im building again, with only you as a
rememberance of what i dont want to be...something that makes me and
shapes me, but will never control me again. that is all you will be.
all i have left of you is the scar on the inside of my soul that all
ticks leave. that scar stands as a reminder of where once was my
temporary pretend. anger and pain from this wound may try to kill me,
but the love i get now will always be here to heal me. that is my
identity..and you never have and never will take it from me.

*nic