i'm ok now, but last week i was in rough shape
i told my wife we need a home improvement loan
she gives me a thousand bucks to move out

i tell you with my wife there's always something y'know?
the other day i call her up
i say
you know honey i've been thinking about the last time we had sex
i'm gettin' excited
she says
"Who is this?"

i'm tellin ya my wife she never went for me
the first time i called her up she says
come on over, there's nobody home
i go over - there's nobody home

my wife - she drives me nuts
we're going to bed
she tells me she's afraid of the dark
she saw me naked now she says
she's afraid of the light!

i tell ya actually, i shouldn't tell jokes about my wife
i mean she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive
the refrigerator

i tell ya, my wife, she can't cook either
at MY house
we pray AFTER we eat

are you kiddin? i know i'm ugly
i told the bartender - make me a zombie
he says "god beat me to it"

you know when your ugly...
on halloween the wife sends the kids out dressed like me

ok, i'll tell ya - i'll tell ya the whole story
i mean LAST halloween a kid tried to pull my face off

and MY kids they flip a coin to see
who has to kiss me good night

that's the story of my life
no respect
no respect at all

i was drowning and i'm yelling Help! Help!
the lifeguard comes over and says ok buddy keep it down keep it down

i don't get no respect from anyone
i called up suicide prevention
THEY tried to talk me INTO it

Good one!!!

Rodney always had great stuff.........