0 - Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as an army bayonet.

1 - Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well-being.

2 - Lager warming up head. Pretzles are ordered. Barmaid complimented on
choice of blouse.

3 - Crossword in newspaper is filled in. After a while blanks are filled
with random letters and numbers.

4 - Barmaid complimented on choice of bra. Partially visible when
bending to get packets of crisps. Try to instigate conversation about
bras. Order half a dozen packets of pretzles one by one.

5 - Have brilliant discussion with guy on the next bar stool. Devise
fool-proof scheme for wining lottery, sort out Denver Broncos defense
problems.

6 - Feel like a Demi-God. Map out rest of life on ****tail napkin.
Realize that everybody loves you. Call parents and tell them you love
them. Call girlfriend to tell her you love her and she still has an
amazing ass.

7 - Send drinks over to woman sitting at table with boyfriend. No
reaction. Scribble out message of love on five ****tail napkins and
Frisbee them to her across the room. Boyfriend asks you outside. You buy
him a Slim Panatela.

8 - Some slurring. Offer to buy drinks for everyone in room. Lots of
people say yes. Go round the bar hugging them one by one. Fall over. Get
up.

9 - Head-ache kicks in. Michelob tastes off. Send it back. Next bottle
comes back tasting same. Say, "That's much better". Fight nausea by
trying to play old Space Invaders game for ten minutes before seeing out
of order sign.

10 - Some doubling of vision. Stand on table shouting abuse at all four
bartenders. Talked down by bartender's wives, who you offer to give a
baby to. Fall over. Get up. Fall over. Impale head on corner of table.
Fail to notice oozing head wound.

11 - Speech no longer possible. Eventually manage to find door. Sit and
take stock. Realize you are sitting in pub cellar, having taken a wrong
turning. Vomit. Pass out.

12 - Put in cab by somebody. Give home address. Taken home. Can't get
key in door. Realize you've given address of your local gym. Generally
pleased at way evening has gone. Pass out again.