If you live in Texas. They actually have a Chili
cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It
takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the
Astrodome. The notes are from an inexperienced chili
taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the
East Coast:

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a
judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called
in sick at the last moment and I happened to be
standing there at the judge's table asking directions
to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was
assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that
the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides,
they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, So I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Judge # 1 A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing
kick.
Judge # 2 Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild
Judge # 3 (Frank) Holy ****, what the hell is this
stuff? You could remove dried paint from your
driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I
hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
Judge # 1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight
jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 - Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers
to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 - Keep this out of the reach of children.
I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain.
I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the
Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when
they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use
of peppers
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium
spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.
Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer
before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now
my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting
****-faced from all of the beer.

Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good
side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a
chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my
tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to
burn out tastebuds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing
behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. ***** is
starting to look HOT -- just like this nuclear waste
I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers
freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very
impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use
more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a
strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring
off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I
farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.
The contestant seemed offended when I told her that
her
chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue
from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the
pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It
really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to

stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.
Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,
onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe
filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I **** myself
when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the
chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except

that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought.
Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with
a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance
on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally
threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I
should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He
appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth,
pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost
sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made
of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili
which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are
full of lava-like **** to match my shirt. At least
during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it,
I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll
just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili #8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend
chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its
existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance
chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of
it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and
pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure
if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd
have reacted to really hot chili.

one of the best i've ever read. i have cramps in my face

Lmoa I bet you do ...