although not a true comedy team...Paul Lynde and Peter Marshall were pretty fuggin' funny...a few choice moments...


Peter Marshall: Will a goose help warn you if there's an intruder on your property?
Paul Lynde: There's no better way!

Peter Marshall: In "Alice in Wonderland", who kept crying "I'm late, I'm late?"
Paul Lynde: Alice, and her mother is sick about it.

Peter Marshall: According to Tony Randall, "Every woman I've been intimate with in my life has been..." What?
Paul Lynde: Bitterly disappointed.

Peter Marshall: Paul, Snow White...was she a blonde or a brunette?
Paul Lynde: Only Walt Disney knows for sure...

Peter Marshall: True or false, cow's horns are used to make ice cream.
Paul Lynde: You mean those weren't chocolate chips?

Peter Marshall: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Peter Marshall: True or false...research indicates that Columbus liked to wear bloomers and long stockings.
Paul Lynde: It's not easy to sign a crew up for six months...

Peter Marshall: According to the French Chef, Julia Child, how much is a pinch?
Paul Lynde: Just enough to turn her on...

Peter Marshall: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?
Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Peter Marshall: True or false, the navy has trained whales to recover objects a mile deep.
Paul Lynde: At first they tried unsuccessfully with cocker spaniels...

Peter Marshall: It used to be called "9-pin." What's it called today?
Paul Lynde: Foreplay!

Peter Marshall: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do?
Paul Lynde: Make him bark.

Peter Marshall: Paul, in the early days of Hollywood, who was usually found atop Tony, the Wonder Horse?
Paul Lynde: My Friend Flicka.

Peter Marshall: What is the name of the instrument with the light on the end, that the doctor sticks in your ear?
Paul Lynde: Oh, a cigarette.

Peter Marshall: In one state, you can deduct $5 from a traffic ticket if you show the officer...what?
Paul Lynde: A ten dollar bill.

Peter Marshall: Paul, how many men are on a hockey team?
Paul Lynde: Oh, about half.

Peter Marshall: What do you call a man who gives you diamonds and pearls?
Paul Lynde: I'd call him "darling"!

Peter Marshall: We've all heard the old phrase "A pig in a poke." What is a poke?
Paul Lynde: It's when you're not really in love.

Peter Marshall: Paul, this is for 12 hundred dollars and the championship. Dale Evans recently revealed the three secrets behind her happy marriage with Roy Rogers. Now listen carefully..."We work together, we pray together and we're darn good..." What?
Paul Lynde: In the saddle.

Peter Marshall: Paul, in what famous book will you read about a talking ass who wonders why it's being beaten?
Paul Lynde: I read it, "The Joy of Sex."

Peter Marshall: Is it normal for Norwegians to talk to trees?
Paul Lynde: As long as that's as far as it goes.

Peter Marshall: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Peter Marshall: What did James Watt invent after fooling around with his wife's tea kettle?
Paul Lynde: James Watt Jr.

Peter Marshall: The Great White is one of the most feared animals. What is the Great White?
Paul Lynde: A sheriff in Alabama.

Peter Marshall: Paul, can anything bring tears to a chimp's eyes?
Paul Lynde: Finding out that Tarzan swings both ways!

Peter Marshall: Is it possible for the puppies in a litter to have more than one daddy?
Paul Lynde: Why, that *****!

Peter Marshall: Fred Astaire says, his mother has been trying to get him to do this since he was 35. But he hasn't done it and says he won't do it until he's ready. Do what?
Paul Lynde: Move out of the house!

Peter Marshall: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body-- what is it?
Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected!

Peter Marshall: Lana Turner recently said, "I won't do it because I haven't stopped living my life by a long shot." What won't she do?
Paul Lynde: Oh, the Merv Griffin show.

Peter Marshall: Now listen carefully, Paul. If you have one it's a moose. If you have two, it's a....?
Paul Lynde: It's a mess!

Peter Marshall: In the Bible, who was found in a basket among the bulrushes?
Paul Lynde: Colonel Sanders.

Peter Marshall: Paul. a recent navy picture had Admiral Zumwalt kissing Admiral Duirk. Why?
Paul Lynde: Too long at sea!

Peter Marshall:Which performing team were the stars of Ed Sullivan's first TV show?
Paul Lynde: Aretha and Benjamin Franklin.

Peter Marshall: Paul, for a thousand dollars and a tie game, according to psychologists, do most people sleep better in their street clothes than in their pajamas?
Paul Lynde: Yeah, we call them winos.

Peter Marshall:True or false. George jessel has a 9 year old daughter.
Paul Lynde: False. It's his girlfriend

Peter Marshall: Eva Gabor says she dislikes a particular word because it signals the end of something that started out so beautifully. What word?
Paul Lynde: Pregnant.

Peter Marshall: Paul, is there such a thing as a female rooster?
Paul Lynde: Yeah, they're the ones who just go "a doodle doo!"

Peter Marshall: Why do sheep sleep huddled up?
Paul Lynde: Because Little Boy Blue's a weirdo!

Peter Marshall: Queen Elizabeth generally swings her umbrella behind her back, and immediately, something happens. What?
Paul Lynde: Lord Snowden doubles up in pain.

Peter Marshall: Twiggy reportedly added an inch to her bustline while making (the movie) The Boyfriend. What does that make her bust measurement now?
Paul Lynde: One.

Peter Marshall: Nathan Hale, one of the heroes of the American Revolution, was hung. Why?
Paul Lynde: Heredity!

Peter Marshall: If a women becomes pregnant while employed, is she now entitled to
six weeks maternity leave?
Paul Lynde: Only if the baby resembles the boss.

Peter Marshall: Paul, true or false, studies show that women in their sixties have a more intense craving for physical romance than when they were in their forties...
Paul Lynde: Well, that's tough!

Peter Marshall: True or false...there are more psychiatrists in Beverly Hills than plumbers.
Paul Lynde: When my toilet's backed up, I don't care who fixes it!

Peter Marshall: Now listen carefully, Paul...during the time of the hula hoop, the yo-yo, and Davy Crockett hats, who was in the White House?
Paul Lynde: I'll say the yo-yo!

Peter Marshall: Paul, according to the World Book Encylopedia, what is the main reason dogs pant?
Paul Lynde: Because they can’t talk dirty!

Peter Marshall: Paul, true or false. Occasionally, a bull moose will hear the horn of diesel train and will run to it thinking that it is its lover?
Paul Lynde: And heaven help the conductor!

Peter Marshall: Paul, in ancient Rome, bakers were required by law to bake something into each loaf of bread. What?
Paul Lynde: A Christian.

Peter Marshall: Glen Campbell recently stated, “Love to me is something you ..." Something you what?
Paul Lynde: Purchase.

Peter Marshall: Can chewing gum help prevent a child from catching a cold?
Paul Lynde: No, but I know it’ll plug a runny nose.

Peter Marshall: Who are more likely to be romantically responsive. Women under thirty or women over thirty?
Paul Lynde: I don’t have a third choice…?

Peter Marshall: Where does most of the olive oil in the world come from?
Paul Lynde: Caesar Romero’s comb.

Peter Marshall: A soap opera in Australia called “Number 96” offers audiences something that no American soap opera has. What?
Paul Lynde: An unfaithful kangaroo.

Peter Marshall: Elizabeth Taylor recently stated, “It wasn’t easy.” And hubby Richard Burton added, “But we both sleep much better.” They were both talking about the same thing. What?
Paul Lynde: Separate bedrooms.

Peter Marshall: True or false. In Sweden, a person can get an instant divorce?
Paul Lynde: Yes, from poisoned meatballs.

Peter Marshall: Eddie Fisher recently stated, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for them both.” Who or what was he referring to?
Paul Lynde: His fans.

Peter Marshall: True or false. Ari Onassis gave Jackie $5 million worth of jewelry in their first year of marriage alone?
Paul Lynde: And it didn’t cure her headache.

Peter Marshall: In the movies, who gave the advice, “whistle while you work”?
Paul Lynde: It was either Paul Winchell…or Linda Lovelace.

Peter Marshall: According to Johnny Carson's ex-wife Joanne, after the divorce, he sent her a copy of a best-selling book. Which one?
Paul Lynde: Shaft!

Peter Marshall: Paul, true or false, the University of Nebraska was recently given $185,000 for an extensive study of the prune.
Paul Lynde: There goes $185,000 down the drain!

one of my favs...

Peter Marshall: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do?
Paul Lynde: Make him bark.