thoughts.

i've found that when things start falling into place, or so it seems, i become lesser of a person. i start doing bad things. that i honestly cannot control. at least i think. when all has been going well for a while, my mind almost starts playing tricks on people. including myself. it's almost as if i become a person i know i shouldn't be. but all i can do is let this person take over, because they are stronger. it's my subconcious. and this makes sense, only because i partially thrive on chaos, because that's exactly what i'm used to. and all i have been for... nearly all my life. which almost means it's what i deserve, because sincerely it's what i want.

i believe everyone's subconcious is their soul. what they were while growing up. while they still had somewhat of a child-like imagination.

what people need to do.. to understand humans.. is to look at everyone really as if they are a soul. because that's what we are. "you do not have a soul. you are a soul."
and it's true.
and souls don't have to grow old if they don't want to. and if they do, that just means this person is losing their imagination. which i think is the most unfortunate thing in the world.

if someone were to ask me what a perfect world would look like, it really would look just like a zombie movie. one giant mental instution. "crazy" people know and see things we can't. and probably never will. until we die, of course. and same with babies. if only they had the knowledge.... they would probably actually die. or go crazy. either one. whichever you prefer.


sometimes, i want to move on. i want to look past all these irrational thoughts.

you can't be happy.
i'm having de ja vu.
don't have a panic attack.
you look insane. you look insane when you smile.
you shouldn't be happy.
and shouldn't smile. it makes you look insane.

people think you're crazy.

and then, if i don't accept these thoughts.. which really isn't that tough, believe you me. and sadly.
but if i try to be.. the bigger? person.. and tell myself that i'm really not going absolutely insane..
then.. it's then that i think, "maybe i really.. do.. have some sort of personality disorder. some sort of.. subconious little soul sitting on my shoulder."
i think that's what it is.

but.. my 'subconsious' thought that i'm OH SO connected to..
well
it's like. they're not the crazy one.

i see this little girl. and she's screaming and she's reaching out. and she's saying, "ashley, don't leave me. don't leave me here..."
and then she.. or i.. feels bad for making myself feel crazy. and then i think it's okay.
and then i'm confused.
and this happens... all too much.
i don't want to leave the "little me" behind.
she needs me.
but i can't get to her.
and i wont until i either A, go crazy.. or B, die.

either way i'll be dreaming.
and that's all i want.
is to just dream for forever and after. and before.


it's nuts.