Sorry that the 2nd. part took so long, but hopefully well worth it.


When my son died my husband and I cried and held each other, My husband
then stopped crying, talking and laughing. I could not understand how he
turned off his emotions and I started to hate and blame him. He on the
other hand went more into himself. I was so caught up in myself that I
lost him. I could never go back to the way it was before. I was feeling
more alone than I had ever felt in my life, I now had to move forward. I
now know that parents each suffer a special burden at the time of loss,
but even in marriage, each parent must seek and find support in his or
her own way. It is difficult for parents whose agony seems to be
crushing their every breath to be thoughtful, compassionate, and
supportive of anyone else, including each other. We need to recognize
that grief is not a time when you can lean on your spouse or your
children. Give each other the space to individualize your sorrow.
From the moment a child is born, parents feel a sense of
responsibility. When your child dies, you blame yourself because somehow
you failed in this most sacred trust by not keeping your child out of
harms way. You feel that your child's death somehow resulted from a
failure on your part. Anger often mixes with this guilt and it is not
always clear where to direct the anger and rage you feel. My first
reaction was it should have been me, not my child and the other reaction
was how can that one be having a child, she is not as good a person or
mother as I would have been. Why God can she have all these children and
my child was taken. So many questions, no answers. A baby shower was the
worst thing that you could ask me too. My anger and hatred was so deep
that I constantly thought this is not fair. Why them and not me. Who
could be happy for someone else, when so many emotions are running
through your mind. I have been told by other parents who lost children
that they are angry at the child for going away and leaving them with
all this suffering. I have also heard and felt that a new child in the
family was the worst thing that could happen to me. How could I feel joy
for them and their new child when I was so unhappy. As soon as these
thoughts surface, however, the guilt they produce pushes them back
inside themselves. Confusion is another emotion that we deal with. When
all these emotions are vented in a safe way, anger can and is a healthy
emotion. Anger is essential to express without causing danger or harm to
yourself or others. Some people feel better if they can make a lot of
noise. One mother told me she could not stand being alone and quiet.
Some people feel better if they have a lot of noise around. It is
understandable to feel tremendous anger toward God for the tragedy that
has fallen on you. I would go to Church and cry all the way through
Mass. Write a letter to God expressing your anger, with time you will
come to realize that God did not cause your suffering but rather suffers
with you. I wrote many letters to God during my grief and then would sit
with a big ashtray and burn them. It made me feel better that no one
would see the terrible thoughts and feelings I was having towards God,
but burning them also gave me a sense of freedom. Keep a journal,
express your outrage, your guilt, your fear. Whatever you are feeling,
it will take time to work through all the powerful emotions of grief. In
the meantime, be gentle with yourself. Allow others to help. Try to find
a trusted and understanding friend, tell them how you feel, share your
fears, grief and feelings that you think are utterly stupid. You will
have found the right person when you can say over and over how you feel
and that person just listens, cries with you and then reaches out to
you. No one will be able to take the pain away, but for someone to just
listen helps you to hear yourself also. Healing can only happen when we
can talk openly about our heartache and memories. I found that when I
spoke to other people who suffered my pain I found it helped my pain.
The biggest piece of advice I have learned in all of this is to face
fear and learn to trust again. Fear often lurks in shadows and we who
mourn frequently feel vulnerable and defenseless. I was afraid that my
child would be forgotten-never by me but perhaps by others who had not
held him close to their hearts. People would tell me to "let go" it
sounded so cold and mean. I thought this is so easy for them to say,
since most people do not understand the depth of your pain. The thought
of letting go felt like I was abandoning my child and all this child had
meant to me. Never would I forget and never would I stop loving. My
biggest fear was I would forget what my child looked like, remember his
presence, his voice, his smile. 23 year later I still remember my son,
not the tubes, not the hospital, not the staff, but a beautiful little
boy who would hold my finger and make my heart leap with love and joy.
The hardest part for me is not having a picture to look at, only the
memories pasted to a mothers heart. My son died at 6 weeks but that
will never change the pain and grief I have suffered. I have spoken to
parents and have a parent who lost a son or daughter as young adults,
they feel the same pain as a parent who lost a newborn, love is love and
loss is loss no matter the age or circumstance. A grieving parent feels
like they are going insane and is especially vulnerable to anxieties
about remaining children and loved ones. Will they be safe? What can I
do to keep tragedy from striking again? How could I bear another loss?
When my second son was born I would not bathe or carry him because I was
afraid I would hurt him. When I held him I was afraid he too would die.
I was afraid to love him for fear he too would leave me. The fears I had
were so real I thought I was going to have to be put away. There are no
magic words or responses to these anxieties. But you will work through
your feelings, you will actually find that healing gradually and
mysteriously begins to occur. Your anxieties will slowly fade into the
background and life will resume some balance. With time you will
discover that even though you have been changed in deep and lasting way,
you will learn to trust life and God once again. When my son died I was
awoken in the middle of the night by a presence, I sat alone in my
living room and could see nothing but a bright light. I did not see
anyone or anything just a great white light, but the words I heard and
walked away with on my heart will be there forever, I to this day
believe that God spoke to me and to other parents who have lost, God
told me that he loved me and suffered with me at this time, he told me
that even though we look for answers to our loss here on earth, the
answers are not to be found here, he said when I felt the most alone to
look for him that he was with me, and that I should always believe in
him no matter how hard times and days would be. At the time I did not
think I could ever believe again, but as days and years went by I
realized that God was the one constant in my life, I found myself
talking to him in a whole new way. He was not some great face that I
saw in pictures, he was not in the bible I neglected to read, his love
was constant, he was with me always, and he reminded me he was with me
daily, God never left my side whenever I doubted or cried, I cried out
in his name, I found words of comfort that I still feel were not mine
but his, I found a gift to put my thoughts on paper, this gift helped me
through long days and lonely nights. God did not give me great words of
advice, but I did feel warmth in his presence, I felt sorrow and loss
but at the same time I felt peace. No mind boggling miracles happened
that night as in burning bushes or waters parting, but a miracle of
peace happened, a peace that let me continue on in my pain, a peace
that allowed me to smile when someone needed a smile, a peace that
allowed me to speak with others who suffered and understood my loss, to
cry with them and laugh with them over memories that only a parent can
share.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my child, and after
much time on your journey you will celebrate your child's life instead
of dwelling on their death. I still have moments of intense pain, but
many more moments of love, contentment and peace.
P. Christopher
to be continued.....

wow

wow x 2

Well Worth the Wait,,, Thank you again,,, Beautiful story

one thing to feel good about! your healing! and we cant move on
till that happens,,,,you have a remarkable sense of introspection! i
hope the rest of life is good to you
aggie