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| Topic: Where You Look | |
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Where You Look
In the night dark and quiet, the vast stretches out. When beyond seems endless, where you look you see the lights wink, twinkle and flitter. Your thoughts are drawn in to a closer realm. What you hear, perhaps the prairie grasses shifting in the wind blowing sighs through the sandy, rocky terrain. A lone silhouette breaks the haze of midnight and deep. Then you know, you are being watched. Raine Les 9/20/2009 |
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Where You Look In the night dark and quiet, the vast stretches out. When beyond seems endless, where you look you see the lights wink, twinkle and flitter. Your thoughts are drawn in to a closer realm. What you hear, perhaps the prairie grasses shifting in the wind blowing sighs through the sandy, rocky terrain. A lone silhouette breaks the haze of midnight and deep. Then you know, you are being watched. Raine Les 9/20/2009  very nice
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Where You Look In the night dark and quiet, the vast stretches out. When beyond seems endless, where you look you see the lights wink, twinkle and flitter. Your thoughts are drawn in to a closer realm. What you hear, perhaps the prairie grasses shifting in the wind blowing sighs through the sandy, rocky terrain. A lone silhouette breaks the haze of midnight and deep. Then you know, you are being watched. Raine Les 9/20/2009 very nice Thanks, my move back to OK is finished..I will settle in and then..it is cookie season.. |
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Where You Look In the night dark and quiet, the vast stretches out. When beyond seems endless, where you look you see the lights wink, twinkle and flitter. Your thoughts are drawn in to a closer realm. What you hear, perhaps the prairie grasses shifting in the wind blowing sighs through the sandy, rocky terrain. A lone silhouette breaks the haze of midnight and deep. Then you know, you are being watched. Raine Les 9/20/2009 very nice Thanks, my move back to OK is finished..I will settle in and then..it is cookie season.. Yes, I am getting adjusted to my new home too
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Edited by
ZPicante
on
Tue 09/22/09 12:53 AM
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Oh, I like it. I like the "twist" at the end, as well. I was not expecting it, given the serene scene you painted leading up to it. Well done.
The only thing I might suggest--idly suggest, if you'd like to consider it--concerns these lines: shifting in the wind blowing sighs through the sandy, rocky terrain. For the bold line, could this be re-worded perhaps? First, it is a bit redundant to say "blowing sighs"; second, wind "sighing" and "blowing" relies on rather dull, predictable verbs to use describing wind's actions. Perhaps something more terse, original? I will not make specific suggestions, since this is, in fact, your poem. Other than that, this is pretty good, madam. |
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Oh, I like it. I like the "twist" at the end, as well. I was not expecting it, given the serene scene you painted leading up to it. Well done. The only thing I might suggest--idly suggest, if you'd like to consider it--concerns these lines: shifting in the wind blowing sighs through the sandy, rocky terrain. For the bold line, could this be re-worded perhaps? First, it is a bit redundant to say "blowing sighs"; second, wind "sighing" and "blowing" relies on rather dull, predictable verbs to use describing wind's actions. Perhaps something more terse, original? I will not make specific suggestions, since this is, in fact, your poem. Other than that, this is pretty good, madam. |
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{{{Sadie}}}
  Need some more sugar for those cookies? |
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Why you peeking at me sharris?
 I feel like a field mouse being stalked, nice write
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Oh, I like it. I like the "twist" at the end, as well. I was not expecting it, given the serene scene you painted leading up to it. Well done. The only thing I might suggest--idly suggest, if you'd like to consider it--concerns these lines: shifting in the wind blowing sighs through the sandy, rocky terrain. For the bold line, could this be re-worded perhaps? First, it is a bit redundant to say "blowing sighs"; second, wind "sighing" and "blowing" relies on rather dull, predictable verbs to use describing wind's actions. Perhaps something more terse, original? I will not make specific suggestions, since this is, in fact, your poem. Other than that, this is pretty good, madam. Where my heart travels the sighing builds to dwindle the grasses wave the arid breath cries and and weaves from spindle you cannot change what isn't ready an observation's twist though, thought creates from deeper a mere enchanted gist. This trip that you companion I'd welcome once again Shall we meet in this same place a welcome, meeting friends. Raine Les 9/22/2009 |
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