Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the
economy, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put
workers of 50 years of age and above on early retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as R.A.P.E. (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be R.A.P.E.D can apply to Congress to be considered for the S.H.A.F.T. program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been R.A.P.E.D and S.H.A.F.T.E.D will be reviewed under the S.C.R.E.W. program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be R.A.P.E.D once, S.H.A.F.T.E.D twice and S.C.R.E.W.E.D as many times as Congress deems appropriate.

Persons who have been R.A.P.E.D could get A.I.D.S. (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or H.E.R.P.E.S.(Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have A.I.D.S. or H.E.R.P.E.S. will not be S.H.A.F.T.E.D or S.C.R.E.W.E.D any further by Congress.

Persons who are not R.A.P.E.D and are staying on will receive as much S.H.I.T. (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Congress has always prided themselves on the amount of S.H.I.T. they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough S.H.I.T., please bring this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)
Ben Dover, Chairman

PS - - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity,
gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.