Well since my two close friends decided I was a "bad" friend I really have no one to turn to talk bout a lot of things I am going through. Its hard to start talking to someone new about whats going on because I have to explain what happen in the past so they are up to speed. But anyway enough bout that. Lately I have had a lot on my mind, I think I am going through a change once again, maybe its because I am growing still or maybe all the health issues going on it has opened my eyes but which ever it is, it kinda sucks. Everything bout my personalty is changing, the music, the way I think bout life, people ect. But how I feel bout people these days if your not family,friends or my man...**** you! This is my life an I am sick of trying to please other people its time to focus on myself.

Then there is a man in my life that most people seem to hate that I talk with as hard as it is for some people to accept I do have very strong feelings for him. I did not plan for this to happen but it did. God brings people into our life for some reason, I may not understand why he was brought into my life but I don't want him to ever not be in my life! He is amazing regardless of his past, everyone ****s up from time to time an some have to learn the hard way. I understand every ones concern, I am being careful an I am not asking for your approval I am asking for you to respect my choice. I guess this man has had a much larger effect on me that I had thought. He has opened my eyes to a lot of things. Maybe this is just a "phase" but I really doubt it. The relationship we have is NOTHING I have ever had before. He knows more about me then any other guy has ever known before. He can tell when I am upset no matter what fake face I put on, he is determined to earn my trust, he has my respect an he is slowly earn my trust.

Ok well enough bout that, I know I will hear all the negativity bout that later. Moving on! I may not be the smartest, prettiest girl in the world but I will make something of myself! God has a path lined out for me an I will do what it takes to get there. I know what I want an will work to get it! Another huge issues on my mind is my health. I have been through a lot of **** this year already an it does not look like I am getting better. Now with the blood work coming back as bad, it has me so scared. I am not sure what to think bout all of this. I have to go see an endocrinologist for some reason, not to sure why I am going to see her but Doc wants me to. An with this new blood work issues I do want to see what she has to say bout all of this. I know I have hormonal issues but I didn't think it was bad enough to go see someone bout it. Maybe I was ignoring the issues to long an now everything is catching up to me. Before this Doc I was without health insurance for bout 4 years. Not taking very good care of myself an gained a lot of weight, now I am fighting to get it back down. There is another thing that is a huge issue, many tell me 'oh you look fine the way you are." Really?!? Are you kidding me? I am obese an hate the way I feel bout myself an the looks I get from people. I hate eating around people, it feels like they are watching me and judging me! I know people will judge me. Think I am just another fat ***. This is not true, I did not want to be like this. It's not all my fault, but people don't care to understand why. I have PCOS an one of the symptoms is being over weight, which makes it even harder for me to lose weight. I have been fighting to keep it down an slim down a little but once again people don't seem to understand how hard it is for me to lose the weight. I am not like "normal" people, yes I am eating right an getting my workout in but it will take me a lot longer an more hard work to even lose 1lb. An with whats going on in my head makes it a little hard to get out an workout.

So think what you want bout me but remember one thing...only God can judge! Get to know someone before you make judgment bout that person! You have NO clue whats going on with them or what they are going through!

i sent u a email

Wow Red,so much for so young!My prayers go out to you.
Hang in there. You have friends that will support you and help you through all this.
You can email me any time, if you would like!

In order for the light to shine so brightly, the darkness must be present....

I don't know you red but I have to tell you I love the panda picture that is so cute, and things do get better

Red..... You think to much. You are trying to figure out what everyone else is. Everyone is trying to find there path..............

thinking to much is not a bad thing. I am just trying to understand wtf is going on with me. Why all the probs now?