A successful relationship is composed of two individuals - each with a
clearly defined sense of her or his own identity. Without our own
understanding of self, of who we are and what makes us unique, it is
difficult to engage in the process of an ongoing relationship in a way
that functions smoothly and enhances each of the partners. We need a
sense of self in order to clearly communicate our needs and desires to
our partner. When we have a strong conception of our own identity, we
can appreciate and love those qualities in our partner that make him or
her a unique person. When two people come together, each with a clear
definition of her or his own individuality, the potential for intimacy
and commitment can be astounding. The similarities between two people
may bring them together, but their differences contribute to the growth,
excitement and mystery of their relationship.



One feature of a healthy sense of self is the way we understand and work
with boundaries. Personal boundaries are the limits we set in
relationships that allow us to protect our selves. Boundaries come from
having a good sense of our own self-worth. They make it possible for us
to separate our own thoughts and feelings from those of others and to
take responsibility for what we think, feel and do. Boundaries allow us
to rejoice in our own uniqueness. Intact boundaries are flexible - they
allow us to get close to others when it is appropriate and to maintain
our distance when we might be harmed by getting too close. Good
boundaries protect us from abuse and pave the way to achieving true
intimacy. They help us take care of ourselves.

Many people are working longer hours and taking on more responsibilities
just to "stay in place." Where one income used to support a family, now
it usually takes two - and this has a major impact on the dynamics of
raising a family.

Unhealthy boundaries often emerge from dysfunctional family backgrounds.
The needs of parents or other adults in a family are sometimes so
overwhelming that the task of raising children is demoted to a secondary
role, and dysfunction is the likely result. Consider the role of the
father who screams at his children or becomes physically abusive with
them as a way of dealing in a self-centered way with his own anger. His
needs come first, and the needs of the children for safety, security,
respect and comfort come second. What the children are likely to learn
in this situation is that boundaries don't matter.


As they grow up, they lack the support they need to form a healthy sense
of their own identities. In fact, they may learn that if they want to
get their way with others, they need to intrude on the boundaries of
other people -just as their father did. They would likely grow up with
fluid boundaries, which may lead to dysfunctional relationships later on
in life. They would have a hazy sense of their own personal boundaries.
Conversely, they may learn that rigid and inflexible boundaries might be
the way to handle their relationships with other people. They wall
themselves off in their relationships as a way of protecting themselves,
and, as a consequence, may find it difficult to form close interpersonal
bonds with others in adulthood.



Here are some ways in which unhealthy boundaries may show themselves in
our relationships, along with some remedies -

Lack of a Sense of Identify

When we lack a sense of our own identity and the boundaries which
protect us, we tend to draw our identities from our partner. We can't
imagine who we would be without our relationship. We become willing to
do anything it takes to make the relationship work, even if it means
giving up our emotional security, friends, integrity, sense of
self-respect, independence, or job. We may endure physical, emotional or
sexual abuse just to save the relationship.

The more rational alternative is to find out who we are and what makes
us unique - and to rejoice in this discovery. Realize that your value
and worth as a person are not necessarily dependent on having a
significant other in your life, that you can function well as an
independent person in your own right. When you move into accepting
yourself, your relationships will actually have a chance to grow and
flourish. This journey of self-discovery can be challenging - but highly
rewarding. Working with a trained therapist can provide the structure
and support needed to take on this task.

Settling for Second Best

We may cling to the irrational belief that things are good enough in the
relationship - that we feel a measure of security and that this is as
good as it's likely to get. In the process, however, we give up the
chance to explore our sense of fulfillment in life. We give up our own
life dreams in order to maintain the security of a relationship. There
is a feeling that if one of the partners grows and finds personal life
fulfillment, the relationship would be damaged.

A healthy relationship is one in which our boundaries are strong enough,
yet flexible enough, to allow us to flourish with our own uniqueness.
There is a sense of respect on the part of both partners that allows
each to live as full a life as possible and to explore their own
personal potential. We don't have to give up ourselves for a
relationship. Healthy boundaries allow trust and security to develop in
a relationship.

Over-Responsibility and Guilt

One characteristic of growing up in a dysfunctional household is that we
may learn to feel guilty if we fail to ensure the success and happiness
of other members of the household. Thus, in adulthood, we may come to
feel responsible for our partner's failures. The guilt we feel when our
partner fails may drive us to keep tearing down our personal boundaries
so that we are always available to the other person. When we feel overly
responsible for another person's life experiences, we deprive them of
one of the most important features of an independent, healthy and mature
life - the ability to make our own life choices and accept the
consequences of our decisions.

A healthier response is to show our partners respect by allowing them to
succeed or fail on their own terms. You, of course, can be there to
comfort your partner when times become difficult, and you can rejoice
together when success is the outcome. When boundaries are healthy, you
are able to say, "I trust and respect you to make your own life choices.
As my equal partner, I will not try to control you by taking away your
choices in life."

The Difference Between Love and Rescue

People who grow up in a dysfunctional family may fail to learn the
difference between love and sympathy. Children growing up in these
conditions may learn to have sympathy for the emotional crippling in
their parents' lives and feel that the only time they get attention is
when they show compassion for the parent. They feel that when they
forgive, they are showing love. Actually, they are rescuing the parent
and enabling abusive behavior to continue. They learn to give up their
own protective boundaries in order to take care of the dysfunctioning
parent. In adulthood, they carry these learned behaviors into their
relationships. If they can rescue their partner, they feel that they are
showing love. They get a warm, caring, sharing feeling from helping
their partner - a feeling they call love. But this may actually
encourage their partner to become needy and helpless. An imbalance can
then occur in the relationship in which one partner becomes the rescuer
and the other plays the role of the helpless victim. In this case,
healthy boundaries which allow both partners to live complete lives are
absent. Mature love requires the presence of healthy and flexible
boundaries.

Sympathy and compassion are worthy qualities, but they are not to be
confused with love, especially when boundaries have become distorted.
Healthy boundaries lead to respect for the other and equality in a
relationship, an appreciation for the aliveness and strength of the
other person, and a mutual flow of feelings between the two partners -
all features of mature love. When one partner is in control and the
other is needy and helpless, there is no room for the normal
give-and-take of a healthy relationship.

Fantasy vs. Reality

Children from dysfunctional households often feel that things will get
better someday, that a normal life may lie in the future. Indeed, some
days things are fairly normal, but then the bad times return again. It's
the normal days that encourage the fantasy that all problems in the
family might someday be solved. When they grow up, these adults carry
the same types of fantasy into their relationships. They may portray to
others the myth that they have the perfect relationship - and they may
believe, to themselves, that someday all of their relationship problems
will somehow be solved. They ignore the abuse, manipulation, imbalance
and control in the relationship. By ignoring the problems, they are
unable to confront them - and the fantasy of a happier future never
comes to pass. Unhealthy boundaries, where we collude with our partner
in believing the myth that everything is fine, make it difficult to come
to terms with the troubles of the relationship.

Learning to have healthy boundaries is an exciting adventure, an
exercise in personal liberation. It means coming to know ourselves and
increasing our awareness of what we stand for. It also means
self-acceptance and knowing that we are OK as we are and worthy of the
good things in life. When two people with healthy boundaries enter into
a relationship, they encourage wholeness, independence and a zest for
life in their partner. They know that trust is possible and that the
normal expected difficulties found in all relationships can be worked on
constructively. They can find true intimacy as whole, complete and equal
people. The journey to a sense of healthy identity is not always easy -
but it need not be all that difficult. It often means letting go of some
of our old misconceptions about the nature of the world. It means
treating ourselves with respect and appreciating ourselves for what we
really are. When we can do this for ourselves, we can take the same
approach toward our partner - and then the true happiness and love that
our relationship deserves can become a reality.



HEALTHY

Feeling like your own person

Feeling responsible for your own happiness

Togetherness and separateness are Balanced

Friendships exist outside of the relationship

Focuses on the best qualities of both people

Achieving intimacy without chemicals

Open, honest and assertive communication

Commitment to the partner

Respecting the differences in the partner

Accepting changes in the relationship

Asking honestly for what is wanted

Accepting endings



UNHEALTHY

Feeling incomplete without your partner

Relying on your partner for your happiness

Too much or too little togetherness

Inability to establish and maintain friendships with others

Focuses on the worst qualities of the partners

Using alcohol/drugs to reduce inhibitions and achieve a false sense of
intimacy

Game-playing, unwillingness to listen, manipulation

Jealousy, relationship addiction or lack of commitment

Blaming the partner for his or her own unique qualities

Feeling that the relationship should always be the same

Feeling unable to express what is wanted

Unable to let go