Oh, it really is. If I hold her long enough she will stop shaking and sleep. Of course, since her ex really hurt she doesn't like men or women to touch her. So it has really been a real compromise to not be a man or woman. It really wasn't until the empty nest syndrome hit her with her last child moving out that the four walls starting coming in. Of course, sex is definitely out of the question but it has been nice to not sleep alone. I just keep telling her it will be alright, stroking her head and rubbing her back and eventually she will actually sleep. It took a while to get in touch with the feminine side but this no side thing is really a challenge.

Oh, it really is. If I hold her long enough she will stop shaking and sleep. Of course, since her ex really hurt she doesn't like men or women to touch her. So it has really been a real compromise to not be a man or woman. It really wasn't until the empty nest syndrome hit her with her last child moving out that the four walls starting coming in. Of course, sex is definitely out of the question but it has been nice to not sleep alone. I just keep telling her it will be alright, stroking her head and rubbing her back and eventually she will actually sleep. It took a while to get in touch with the feminine side but this no side thing is really a challenge.

Thank you. Last night was especially trying. And she is going through therapy. I quit trying to fix her. I am really not qualified. And it wasn't what she wanted. She wanted me to understand the futility of 20 years of marriage since she herself tried to fix it and him. She tried to explained narcissism. I tried to explain sadism. The nervous laughter while she tried to explain how her children were damaged emotionally. All I could do was let her vent while I was listening and let her know I was listening. During that time it was better not to try interrupt because she was trying her best to tell me how it felt like. At times she would ask me if it was okay to hold my hand. She spooks really easy and any sudden movements on my part she was very sensitive, too. She was able finally to sleep for two hours. It gave her the greatest pleasure to make me dinner as long as I was there in the kitchen with her. I have never seen such a frightened individual. She had to go through a process where he isn't even allowed into the same state. She told me how she had to go into hiding with the kids out of the state because he had a rifle aimed at her and the kids. She told me how she had to not react to him in any way because she had learned that any way was wrong. What a nightmare she went through but I have never been able to communicate with someone so easily with someone. It is really helping me with this sharing that we are doing. One just has to have the patience of Job. But I can already tell that the rewards are amazing.

By 'fix her' I mean that by the longer she shared her story I found out that she was a normal human being who had been through a terrifying ordeal. In other words, she wasn't broken at all but very much a survivor. Every time she asked, "Do you think I am crazy?" I would say, "No" because I could understand her reasoning. Validation was very important to her. She had went through so much put down and psychobabble. I realized that she was just trying to make sense of a past relationship with a hurtful person who took credit for everything good. She would say, "I don't exist." And she would then go into the self-loathing. Which was really strange because she is beautiful to me. I just kept validating and it was doing more good than any other thing I could think of.

I think that half the time the worst part is getting past the guilt of staying, often people condemn you for it, say that they would have left and you shouldnt have stayed. It is bad enough that you yourself know what happened and although there are times that you could have left, while you are trapped in it, you cannnot see the way out, your life is just a mixture of fear.
You are scared that he will be upset, that he will hurt you or find you , that if you do leave he will hurt your family or track you down. It is not always as easy as just walking out the door and saying I am leaving.

her being able to share with you is great. The hardest thing for her will be letting it go, because until you let it go and move forward, she will live in fear and never really like herself.