Topic: the back stream
Queene123's photo
Sun 11/03/13 05:51 PM
as the tears
tend to
fall down
from your face
its known
to be called
heavens tears
at any moment
things you cherish
through out life
can show
good news
ahead
without dealing
with fright
as one can be greatful
of the searching
of walking the journey
of direction, and faithful
that may last
a lifetime
between you and me
as feeling alone
at times, but yet
memories that
often linger on
as your mind may
perhaps be in deep silence
for thinking hard
is the turning point
in anyone life
as you can see
as i dont feel alone
for people are not around
to make my life insane
and telling me that
walking alone
is endless
which is not
as we all know
as walking alone
just shows
your the only one
that can capture
your inner thoughts
and seeking the truth
you desire

no photo
Tue 11/05/13 04:51 AM
Edited by Wackford on Tue 11/05/13 04:52 AM
I personally love 'tumbling verse,' and the concept of this work is beautiful. But for tumbling verse it's arguably verbose. Remove possibly half of the words, and tweak, and its impact will be enhanced many times over. For example,

tears
fall down
-heaven's tears

Just my own view. Hopefully helpful and constructive? Great poetry leaves the reader easily ably to interpret and insert his / her own missing words and emotions.

P.S. I love your avatar. I'll take a look at your profile. Poets of all ages / both sexes always interest me, on an intellectual level at least. Keep writing! (Writing is easy, but polishing often long and painful).