http://m.omaha.com/columnists/dickson/breaking-brad-officials-brace-for-tens-of-people-at-omaha/article_e5deef9e-296f-11e5-8424-c3067b35ead6.html?mode=jqm/

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* Truth can be funny *

Breaking Brad: Officials brace for tens of people at Omaha fireworks amnesty day

By Brad Dickson / World-Herald columnist | Posted 23 hours ago

Brad Dickson's humor column, "Breaking Brad," appears daily on Omaha.com and in The World-Herald.

To read more from Brad, check out his past columns at omaha.com/brad and follow him on Twitter.

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Brad's morning edition. Check back this afternoon for more jokes.

* On Sunday, the heat index in Omaha passed 100. It’s so hot that Omahans are fanning themselves with their death penalty petitions.

* I thought I saw a pothole in town that had been repaired, but it turned out to be a mirage.

* Omaha police are holding an amnesty day to turn in unwanted fireworks. Yeah, as if there is such a thing in Omaha.

* Fireworks are pretty much first in the hearts of Omahans. On Aug. 1 in north downtown, a Bacon and Beer Festival will be held. OK, actually, fireworks are third in the hearts of Omahans.

* A Bacon and Beer Festival is being held in Omaha in August. Instead, organizers should make it a Bacon, Beer and Chocolate Festival and anticipate a crowd of 5 million.

* It is so hot in Omaha that someone over the age of 19 walked into a movie theater showing “The Gallows” just for the air conditioning.

* “The Gallows” is a low-budget horror movie set in Nebraska. Gov. Ricketts was first in line incorrectly assuming “The Gallows” was a feel-good documentary about the death penalty.

* To give you an idea how long some of the potholes on my street have been around, one is being maintained by the Nebraska State Historical Society.

* For the first time, jetpacks are going on sale to the public. Finally, a way to beat Omaha-area roadwork.

* The City of Omaha is voiding 181 parking tickets issued Friday July 3 after confusion over whether it was a holiday. Normal workday protocol was followed, which means if your car was over-parked for an hour, it was towed and dumped into the Missouri River.

* Miss Oklahoma and Miss Texas have finished one-two at the Miss USA Pageant. Now Nebraskans are calling for boycotting the pageant for reasons that have nothing to do with Donald Trump.

* The U.S. Secret Service installed sharp metal spikes on top of the White House fence. This will allow Secret Service agents to open their beer bottles when they’re working in the field.

* A Florida man is expected to recover after being gored during the Running of the Bulls in Pamplona, Spain. Even when stupid stuff occurs on the other side of the world there’s a Florida connection.

* I thought I was watching a clip from Running of the Bulls. Turns out it was just Hillary Clinton running from a cow in Iowa.

* Jeb Bush has released 33 years of tax documents. If he can condense that down to a selfie or a tweet, Americans are willing to take a look.

* Released Hillary Clinton emails reveal she struggled to figure out how to work a fax machine. Well, this was worth waiting for.

* Domino’s is rolling out Tweet-a-Pizza, where you can tweet your pizza order to get it faster. This is expected to be the fastest food delivery system until Jimmy John’s designs a drone that crashes into your living room.

* In Australia a new carrot beer has debuted. This is clearly targeted at heavy beer drinkers who want to vomit orange.

* A new “Rocky” movie will hit theaters this November. In this one Rocky’s daughter will be played by Betty White.

* I believe it’s called, “Rocky: Got Any Money Left, America?”

* Disneyland is observing its 60th anniversary. If I know Disneyland, in honor of this occasion rides are overpriced by 60 percent.

* Match.com, Tinder and OK Cupid are joining forces. This is potentially more dangerous to world stability than a Russia-Iran alliance.

* DeAndre Jordan left the Dallas Mavericks high and dry. Fortunately Mark Cuban isn’t the type to hold a grudge. I could see Bill Belichick telling Cuban: “You’ve got to let it go, man.”

* An intricate test to see if NBA players are using HGH is coming to the league. Now, if only there was a way to determine if NBA players traveled.

* There are two national pastimes in Kansas City – baseball and ballot stuffing.

* Pro wrestler The Big Show admitted that an event years ago when the ring collapsed was staged. Oh, great, the one pure sport left and it was fixed.

* I haven’t been this stunned since I learned who was buried in Grant’s Tomb.

* The PGA tournament the John Deere Classic was just contested. I’ll be spending the rest of my day trying to figure out whether a joke about golfers riding tractors around a course is too easy.

Want more Brad? Scroll through his author archive here.

TBL: Brad Dickson
Omaha World-Herald

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