I thought I might let all of you, my loving peers/friends/partners in crime in on one of the worst/funniest/worst/funniest again experiences of my (relatively) young life.

Here's a little backstory:

I have been working at LOWE'S for almost 2 years now, and I would frequently go across the street to a restaurant (the name has been changed to protect the innocent) to order food on my lunchbreak.

One day, after frequenting the restaurant for some time, the head chef/waiter guy stopped me and told me that one of the girls that worked there thought I was cute and wanted to go out with me.

Now I have never been presented with this kind of situation in all my life (I.E. a woman asking me out, not vica versa), so I decided to be adventurous, and thought I might give it a shot. He gave me her name and number, and I was off, thoughts of potential-cuddling-and/or-movie-watching (or PCAOMW's) running through my head.

So I gave her a call, and arranged a meeting for the next afternoon.

-PREPARE FOR TRAUMA-

I picked her up at the aforementioned (or referenced, in this case) place, and proceeded to ask her about herself as I drove around aimlessly. (You know, rule #1 in dating 101 - "Drive around aimlessly while asking her about herself.") I was following that dating etiquette that I just made up, and all was well in the world.

...Until my questioning brought us to the discussion of age. She revealed to me that she was only seventeen years old, which nearly caused me to convulse violently and veer off the road into a roadsign.

To clarify:

I was dating a girl who was five years younger than me, which isn't a problem unless I'M 22, which I am. So: underaged minor chillin in my car with me.

Back to the story:

After she told me this interesting piece of information, I informed her that I was in fact twenty-two years old. Here's what she said (this is verbatim):

"Cool! You can buy me booze!"

...Now I don't drink in the first place (straightedge, long story), so that idea was quickly dismissed from my mind. The secondary element that dismissed said idea even more quickly from my mind was the fact that I could be arrested for being with a minor, let alone buying her alcohol. Yeesh.

Oh, it gets better.

Awkwardly, I changed the subject, and asked her what she wanted to do for our first date. She told me that she likes to go dumpster diving on a regular basis, and suggested that.

Here's a bit of clarification, for you non-dumpster-diving afficionados: Dumpster Diving consists of jumping into an open dumpster, digging through people's discarded trash, in the hopes of finding some cool ****. Yeah.

So, still retaining my adventurous mood (which was now bordering on mild insanity), I agreed to do this deed, for the sake of being able to tell someone that I have never met that I have dove into a dumpster. So, we drove around to a local grocery store, and drove around back to find the dumpster.

THANK GOD that the dumpsters we found were devoid of garbage, because as soon as we left the scene and pulled into the main road, a police officer appeared behind me and turned on his lights.

So he pulls me over, and tells me that there is no illegal dumping at the grocery store. He told me that illegal dumping was an offense (no **** - I guessed that from the fact that he called it 'illegal'), and asked us why we were back there. Now I'm not stupid, so I told him that we were simply lost and took a wrong turn. If I had told him "No, we weren't dumping trash, we were going to dig through it!" - then I would have been tasered and probably beated with a nightstick. Hell, if I said that, I'd taser myself.

So he grimaced and grunted something polician, and took my driver's license to run through his records.

I have to admit that the idea did run through my head to 'inform' the police officer that my female passenger was a crack-dealer, if only to get her the **** out of my car. Needless to say, the date wasn't going so well.

After he finished with his police mumbo-jumbo, he told me that if his office deemed it necessary, then I would recieve a ticket in the mail for my misfit nature. He drove off.

At this point in my planning, I had desired to go see a movie or eat food of some kind with my date, but I re-evaluated my situation, and decided to sever the date, and attempt to minimize whatever damage this madwoman still had in her mind**** arsenal.

As I drove her back to her car at the place we first met, she said THE most shocking thing that I have ever heard in my entire life, and I am not exaggerating.

(Be sure to take your shoes off, because when I tell you what she told me, then your socks will be blown off, and I don't want to damage your shoes. Shoes are expensive.)

...Ready, OK. Here's what she said, verbatim. I am NOT making this up:

"You know, I wonder if it would be considered statuitory rape since I'm only seventeen."

...What the **** MAN!

I decided then and there that I needed to get this jailbait outta my car as quickly as possible. In fact, she so effectively ****ed with my mind that I was incapable of deciferable speech for almost 3 minutes. I mean DAMN!

As I pulled up to her car, she told me what a fun time she had, and sat there patiently, waiting for me to kiss her goodbye.

Here's a fun quiz for you at home:

ELEMENTS OF THE DATE
--------------------------------------------------
1. Underage chick
+
2. Act which would leave you covered in garbage
+
3. Police involvement
+
4. Proposal (maybe?) to rape an underaged girl
=

A). Kiss her goodnight
or
B). Run! RUN! GET THE **** AWAY! PUT AN END TO HER EVIL WAYS BEFORE SHE CAN KILL AGAIN!

(The correct answer was "B". - 'Run! RUN! GET THE **** AWAY! PUT AN END TO HER EVIL WAYS BEFORE SHE CAN KILL AGAIN!')

I did NOT kiss her goodnight. Not one single fiber of my being was attracted to her garbage-loving ways. There was NO action going on in my pants. In fact, she may have paralyzed me in ways that would leave me useless to a woman. I dunno. It was mad ****ed up.

So that's the end of my tale. In an odd way, I'm glad that I had the experience, so that when my kids tell me of a bad date they went on, then I can shove them into a chair and SCHOOL them about true horror.

I am a giving sort, so I give this story to you, my companions. May you derive some laughter from my mind-numbing pain.

Here's to horrible dating experiences.

I can now say that I have looked into the face of madness.

And it smiled.

wow bro, seems likes a rough night.....

OK...i am really, really sorry about your luck. But this is definitely one of the funniest stories i have heard in awhile. Not too mention, it is incredibly well written. Snaps to you!

that was funny, your a good guy for behaving tho!!

Thanks. I'm an english major, so I suppose the writing just comes naturally.

The painful dating experiences? Now those are not natural.

One might even call them unnatural.

DAMN CB you always beat me to the obvious. Im sorry for you but that is hilarious! Thank you for sharing your story with me.

hahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa omg!!!!!

Why's the crappy dates have to happen to the good guys?

Thanks for sharing!!

Hopefully your next date (with someone new) will be a big improvement!!!

17 is legal in michigan, besides age doesnt = maturity... lol Messed up date though, i was LOLing through the whole story

Nice story

dayum!!!! sucks to be you right now, glad you got away from that mess!

and i thought i had some bad experiences but dayyumm!

WHAT THE HE..???!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

THAT WAS GREEEAAATTT! Not great for you, but well told. I am sorry you had such a crappy time...... but thanks for the chuckle! I would definately not trust the next person that says "DUDE THIS CHICK THINKS YOUR HOT!"