Husband: "Want a quickie?"

Wife: "As opposed to what?"


My husband said he wanted more space.

So I locked him outside.


Why are husbands like lawn mowers?

They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.


What do you do if your best friend runs off with your husband?

Miss her. Pity her.


I think the only reason my husband likes to go fishing so much is that it's the only time he hears someone tell him, "Wow, that's a big one!"


If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The Dog of course ... at least he'll shut up after you let him in!


A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks.

After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders another double martini.

After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders another one.

The bartender says: "Look, buddy, I'll bring you martini's all night long - but you got to tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."

The customer replies: "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I will know it's time to go home!" ( I said No Laughing) Now STOP IT!


A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds "Wife Wanted".

The next day, he received hundreds of replies, all reading the same thing: "You can have mine." Really people Stop Laughing! men are always trying to give away their wifes.


If your wife and your lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to the cinema?