Laugh!

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So, why the long face?"


Celine Dion walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So, why the long face?"


A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer, and a mop."


Two vampires walked into a bar and called for the bartender. "I'll have a glass of blood," said one. "I'll have a glass of plasma", said the other. "Okay," replied the bartender, "that'll be one blood and one blood lite"


Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive"


This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Four bucks," says the bartender. "Put it on my bill."


I walked into a bar the other day and ordered a double. The bartender brings out a guy who looks just like me.


Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.




There were two ships. One had red paint, one had blue paint. They collided. At last report, the survivors were marooned.


The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up and asked, "Did you get my drift?"


Question: How did Christopher Columbus finance his trip to America? Answer: With the Discover Card.


I was on an elevator the other day, and the operator kept calling me 'son.' I said, 'Why do you call me 'son'? You're not my father.' He said, 'I brought you up, didn't I?'


Did you hear about the butcher who backed into his meat grinder & got a little behind in his work?


A lady wrote to an advice column in a newspaper: 'I have been engaged to a man for some time, but just before the wedding, I find he has a wooden leg. Do you think I should break it off?'


An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"


Two cows standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" Exclaimed Daisy.


Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "dam"






My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. The job was just so-so anyways.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't note worthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried, but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because it was always the same old grind.
I tried looking for gold, but it didn't pan out.
I tried to make the plump ladies see the error of their weighs.
I used to be a banker, but lost interest in the work.
I used to be a baker, but I didn't make enough dough.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded
I used to be a blackjack host, but was offered a better deal.
I used to work for Budweiser, but then I got canned.
I used to be a butler, but found the work wasn't my cup of tea.
I used to be a carpenter, but then I got bored.
I used to be a doctor, but then I lost patients.
I used to work for H&R Block, but it was just too taxing.
I used to be a hotel clerk, but then I had reservations.
I used to be a nun, but I got expelled because of my dirty habits.
I used to be a marathon runner, but couldn't stand the agony of de feet.
I used to work at an orange juice factory, but I was canned because I couldn't concentrate.
I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn't trained.
I used to be a road digger, but I got re-trenched.
I used to be a sanitation engineer, but the city dumped me.
I used to sell computer parts, but then I lost my drive.
I used to be a shoe salesman, till they gave me the boot.
I used to be a taxi driver, but found I couldn't hack it.
I used to be a teacher, but found I didn't have enough class.
I used to be a tennis instructor, but it just wasn't my racket.
I used to be a transplant surgeon, but my heart just wasn't in it.
I used to be a Velcro salesman, but couldn't stick with it.
I considered going into the ministry but I didn't have an altar ego.
I tried working in a bakery, but was told I wasn't "bread" for it.
I thought becoming a candle maker, but I wasn't sure wick end was up.
I wanted to be a stenographer, but they told me they are not short-handed at the moment.
After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it.