Your Horoscope For Today Lyrics


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Aquarius
There's travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a
speeding bus
Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing Whack-A-Mole seventeen
hours a
day

Pisces
Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus
You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what those idiots at work
say

Aries
The look on your face will be priceless when you find that forty pound
watermelon in your colon
Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a hickey to Meryl
Streep

Taurus
You will never find true happiness - what you gonna do, cry about it?
The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch of stuff, and then
go
back to sleep

That's your horoscope for today-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay
That's your horoscope for today

Gemini
Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive
flatulence
Your love life will run into trouble when your fiancé hurls a javelin
through
your chest

Cancer
The position of Jupiter says you should spend the rest of the week face
down in
the mud
Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your
driver's
test

Leo
Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your
boss's
face, oh no
Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it down with a gallon
of
strawberry Quik

Virgo
All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent - except for you
Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your head impaled upon
a stick

That's your horoscope for today-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay
That's your horoscope for today

Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely
that the
relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep
significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me
give
you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on
solid,
scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of
moron not
to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.

Where was I?

Libra
A big promotion is just around the corner for someone much more talented
than
you
Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that when your appendix
bursts

next week

Scorpio
Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an open
window
Work a little bit harder on improving your low self-esteem, you stupid
freak

Sagittarius
All your friends are laughing behind your back (kill them)
Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine you've got hanging
in
your den

Capricorn
The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person, but you know
they're lying
If I were you, I’d lock my doors and windows and never never never never
never
leave my house again

That's your horoscope for today-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay
That's your horoscope for today

That's your horoscope for today-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay
That's your horoscope for today

My son's 20th birthday is today, whats that make him?
PMS

20 years old?

ouch.. that scorpio one hurt..

i have that albumn its on running with scissors i think its hilarious.