You may not have the teeth of the tiger, but most certainly the spirit

Beautiful and mystical describes this tiger lily, and the tiger lily describes Ameling.......for you girl

I'm trying not to be 'a-round' at all, but easier said than done.

lol........in that case, I am always "a-round"

Thank you Princess

lol, thank you Pansy

Awakening in the early hour
My joy is refreshed, no need to sleep longer
My path is changed, a new journey begins
My past is whisked away with yesterdays wind

Much older now, more wiser as well
as time itself took me through trials of hell
but hell cannot hold to a will that is strong
and strengthened more as time goes on

My life was emptied of everything gained
taken by greed and nothing remained
My heart and soul shattered by foolish trust
nothing was left but the withering dust

Yet in the dust came a glimmer of light
that shone through the darkness of my long lonely plight
The warmth of the light that held on to life
that held on to hope as I slept through the the night

The dew from a dawning that mixed in the dust
and reformed who I am from what I once was
my weakened spirit became quenched of it's thirst
to find a purpose for my life to rebirth

New wisdom, new honor, my life became new
My will to trust and to love slowly grew
The dew from the dawning, though clouded with mist
awakened my senses, my will to exist

This morning awakes me with joy of new life
and the mist of the dew has diminished my strife
Was nothing I did or nothing I could do
as it all came unclouded, the dawning was you.

To my sweet May, thank you.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YLQYkbzSz5s

Yadda Yadda Yadda

Ty, that's nice to know

Just so you all have a clearer picture of where I've been and what I'm going through.

Sex is not the only thing, and certainly is not the most important. But I believe it is part of the glue that bonds a relationship, along with communication, understanding, patience (which I have none of), tolerance. From a religious standpoint however, certainly in my faith, Woman was not created for just procreation, but for man as he saw that it was not good for a man to be alone. Sex is too much fun just to have in order to have kids. Good lord, what would we do after she is beyond her child bearing years (which by the way is when she reaches the height of her sexuality).

Thank you all for your input. I was merely trying to find a solution to a dilemma that has me headed in the wrong direction. I wanted to find something positive to hold onto. Some of you made some good arguments and others chose to make it out to be me to be the problem and i guess I can only take that as I am crazy to think as I do.

Most of you think I'm nuts. Maybe my explanations and comments were hard to understand. I guess it basically boils down to this. I'm confused and unsure about where I am in my life. I do understand what I need in my life and it simply doesn't exist. For the record, my first marriage is the only relationship I've had that I take full responsibility for screwing up and regret losing. My second was miserable but my only mistake was staying with it and trying to make it work. The three relationships I've had over the past 4 years were good relationships, the first lost to Her losing a battle with cancer. The second, too much distance to keep what was a good thing going. The 3rd ended as a result of her deciding she could not put up with the fact that I still depended upon my 2nd wife for financial support, which I believe it was her own good conscience (which surprises me that she has) not to deny me as she took most of my inheritance and dashed my plans for retirement. 15 year age difference if that tells you anything.

I've endeavored in two businesses since my last divorce. Real estate failed miserably and cost me dearly financially. I am currently in my second year of the second business which succeeded the first year, but because of many adversities has been struggle after struggle this year.

The current relationship her and I are trying to build is being hindered by many circumstances, including much distance, her heavy work load, my failing business and the fact that we have not met in person and wont be able to until November. Along with my insecurities in my looks and my business failing, I am in a ship trying to bail with a teaspoon, and since there is really no rescue in site, I am stuck with going down with the ship.

All in all, come what may, I only posted to get some sort of assurance that that I can overcome the adversities and ultimately be victorious in what I consider to be the only hope for an enduring relationship and with extra effort on my part to make myself worthy of a longer and more rewarding life with her.

So let me finish with rephrasing the post title from Why? What for? to "has anyone got a bigger spoon?"

I never said I loathe myself, I loathe where I am in my life. Not quite the same. Needing someone in my life I consider to be normal, and loneliness for a while is tolerable. To think that I may be lonely the rest of my life is not.

I guess that was the reason why I posted here, to reach for some reassurance that I'm not crazy to think as I do now. I know what I am capable of. I know that I can love with every thing I have. Not being able to do that for a long period of time is unlike any of my past life experiences. I'm not used to it, and in comparison I loath where I am at this time in my life. That being said, I hope you understand that as things are now, I am not myself and my struggle is getting myself back. I know what I need to be, how I need to think, how I need to move forward. I just keep running into walls that hinder my confidence in ever getting who I was back. Yes, it is not her responsibility, that is why I posted here. I haven't had to do this since I met her because she has always been there for me, just that lately my life has had so many hurdles to jump with many more to come, that any failure is hard to overcome.

Yes, I get what your saying and much has been said that should be encouraging. Needy and Depress......yes. Also the need to have someone to love and to love me back for who I am is critical to my happiness. I do understand the building of a relationship, my problem is I won't just settle as I did before, and finding her was truly a blessing. I'm am so ready to love her with all my being. There is much you can find out about a person online if they are honest and upright. She is that and much more. I guess this day is another passage in time that makes me doubt my endurance, as I said, I am truly impatient, especially at times like these.

I try to stay positive. Without her I could have not made it this far. I don't know how else to describe what I'm going through and where I'm heading.
She will read this most likely and what I know of her will understand. But this is not hers, she can't fix it other than to encourage me and she does as much as she can allow herself. I guess the lack of touch, the warmth of an true embrace, my poverty physically, spiritually and financially seems so overwhelming

It is not insecurity as much as dealing with reality of where I am in my life. "their" reactions are not predetermined. Only my actions can be such. lol, there is nothing wrong with spending time alone, but all the time other than artificial online interaction with her and not really knowing where she is with me (understanding her to not knowing herself), I do not feel secure in the relationship and as I said, I don't feel worthy of a woman like her. I am impatient, and I want to skip through the inevitable hardships that lie ahead as I am tired and disgusted with my failures.