A newlywed couple on their honeymoon gets to the hotel room.

When they start to have sex, the wife says that she has something to
confess.

The husband says, "I will love you no matter what it is, tell me."

So the wife tells him that she is actually extremely flat chested.

The husband says, "I can deal with that."

He takes off her shirt and shouts, Boy! you are small, but I love you
anyway.

The husband says, That he has something to confess also.

She says, "No matter what I will still love you."

He says, "Okay. I am built like a baby down there."

She says, "I can deal with that."

So he pulls down his pants and his wife passes out! He fans her and she
finally gets up.

She says, "I thought you said you were built like a baby?"

He says, "Yeah....7lbs, 21inches."

The husband didn't want to play in the "Couples Alternate Shot
Tournament" at the club, but he reluctantly agreed just for the sake of
martial harmony.

He got the first shot. He teed off, a par four, and fired a drive 300
yard down the middle of the fairway.

When they reached the ball, he said to his wife (a novice golfer), "Just
hit it towards the green, hon, anywhere around there will be fine."

She proceeded to knock the ball deep into the woods.

Undaunted, he said, "That's ok, dear, we'll play it." He spent five full
minutes looking for the ball. He played it for the shot of his life and
actually put the ball just two feet from the hole on the green.

Arriving on the green he said, "Now, dear, all you have to do is knock
it gently into the hole." She whacked it a good one, right off the green
and into a sand trap.

The husband, still retaining his composure, marched into the sand trap,
summoned all of his skill, and amazingly holed the shot from there.

Retrieving the ball from the hole he put his arm around his wife and
calmly said, "Honey, that was a bogey -- one over par -- but that's ok.
I think we can do better on the next hole."

She snapped back at him, "Don't ***** at ME. Only *2* of those *5* shots
were mine!"

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's.
He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he
watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then
counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of
them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set
that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife
sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.

The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another
meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.

The old gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and
everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."

The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she
replied, "It's his turn with the teeth."

and p.s. Love For All Here Im Back,,,,lmao

Sorry fokes that I have not been on in a while,,But you know work is
work,,or at least for me it is,,not only that Ido car audio by day,,but
by night,,im THE REPO MAN,,,so whos got the last laugh when I got there
car,,lol,,,but ill be on with new jokes,,wrote some more and hope yall
love them,,,,,LOVE TO ALL HERE.....

A group of girlfriends are on vacation, when they see a 5-story hotel
with a sign that reads, "For Women Only". Since they were without their
boyfriends or parents, they decide to go in.

The desk clerk, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works.
"We have 5 floors...go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are
looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide, since each floor
has signs telling you what's inside."

So they start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads, "All the
men here have it short and thin." The friends laugh and without
hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads, "All the men here have it long and
thin."

Still, this wasn't good enough, so the friends move up to the third
floor, where the sign reads, "All the men here have it short and thick."
This was still another disappointment, but knowing there are still 2
floors left, they move on to the next floor.

On the fourth floor, the sign was perfect. "All the men here have it
long and thick."

The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there
is one floor left. Wondering what they were missing, they go to the
fifth floor, where the sign reads, "There are no men here. This floor
was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

1. Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.

3. Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the Woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.

4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room..
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.

5. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.

6. Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

7. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.

8. Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.

9. Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.

10. Good: Your daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do.

A local man was found murdered in his home in California over the
weekend. Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub.

The tub had been filled with milk and corn flakes, and the deceased had
a banana protruding from his buttocks.

Police suspect a cereal killer.

A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an
experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people
who were loitering.

The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on
a corner.

The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner
people."

A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off that
corner... NOW!"

Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares
in his direction.

Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his
partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"

Pretty good," chuckled the vet, "especially since this is a bus stop."

some just need a joking truth,,lol,,lmao,,,love 2 all here

I love 2 Please everyone here by keeping yall smiling and laughing,,I
try to keep heart into what I do,,,,,,,,

lol Duff you great,,but in all most of the things you read here is from
me,,and the other half is just post from other people that send then to
me,,but in all alot of them are from my own head,,lol,,,love to all here

10 Life is sexually transmitted.

9 Good health is merely the slowest rate at which one can die

8 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an
erection, make him a sandwich.

7 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to
use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

6 Some people are like a slinky... not really good for anything, but
you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

5 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital
dying of nothing

4 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention
to criticism.

3 Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars, and a
substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents???

2 In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world
is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER ONE THOUGHT FOR 2007:



We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the
millions and millions of cows in America , but we haven't a clue as to
where thousands of Illegal immigrants and Terrorists are located. Maybe
we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.

DUFF MUFF U JUST TO TUFF..

Me Say Damn Learn Now Or Never Learn Later.....

hehehehe

hmmmm

whos mad now,,,,lol

lmao,,your to funny

A nurse of an old folks home walked into the room of Mr. Jones and
noticed he was crying at the foot of his bed. "What's the matter"? The
nurse asked as she stood beside him.

Sobbing, the old man cried, "My penis died today", and began to cry
hysterically.

The nurse played along with the old man and consoled him on his great
loss.

A couple days later the nurse was in the middle of her rounds and
noticed Mr. Jones walking down the hall with his penis hanging freely
out of his shorts. The nurse walked up to him with a sympathetic voice
and asked, "Mr. Jones...I thought your penis passed away a couple days
ago."

He looked back at her and whispered, "It did, and today is the viewing."

A man left work one Friday afternoon. But, it being payday, instead of
going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and
spending his entire week's wages.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night he was confronted by a
very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade
befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would
you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he
replied, "

That would be fine with me!"

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came
and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down
just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his
left eye.