To be honest... i was looking for some proof that he had a heart. Ive been going through depression, and dangerous suicidal behaviors. It was a comfort to know he had been through the same thing. It was what I was looking for, and it was what I found.

I know, im a ****ty girlfriend. I dont need you guys to confirm what I already know

How could I snoop to find him cheating with information from 6 years ago? I dont care who he dated or what he did before me. I was looking to learn something about him.

agree that some space and privacy is good... but he has plenty. besides emotions.. he shares virtually everything. I follow his lead.

Im not going to say Im sorry I snooped.... its the sort of thing that has the potential to save our relationship... and my life.

I think you are all misunderstanding. I wasnt angry at him for leaving.. I just wasnt happy about it.

I just want to be with him now. I dont want to call him home because he is in trouble. I just want to hug him...

His work is a little different than the usual.. he can go and leave whenever he wants as long as he does 40 hours. its a small business, whom I know everyone in it as well. like a family. I often go to help do inventory and bring lunch and stuff. Its also about 4 miles away...

for him to come home to talk for an hour isnt a bad or difficult thing. but I can easily be patient. I called and asked him to come home early so he and I could spend some time together. otherwise he'd work til like 8pm... and i eventually go over and hang out with him while he does work

he doesnt snoop. and I have nothing to hide. I may have snooped.. but I wasnt looking for anything incriminating. Of the information I found... none will ever be held against him. there is nothing TO hold against him...

its just a part of him he is too afraid to share with me.. and I was going to give up because I thought he was being so difficult because he didnt love me. it is far from the truth, and he has been misjudged. I owe it to him to be open and vulnerable... so he may someday be comfortable enough to do the same. its just taking the first step is so hard... but it will be easier knowing I wont be dismissed, or if I am.. its not because of me

privacy smivacy... we live together. open bathroom doors (not me... I close mine... haha..) and pretty much everything else.. right out in the open.

oh Im never going to tell him I read it.

I want to share with him. im not going to ask him about it or assume he knows... but he always complains I dont talk to him.. and i have always felt he could never understand.

I have been dangerously depressed this past month.. and depressed in general for the past few months. It comes and goes.. but it has been really terrible for the past few weeks... and I want to talk to him about it.

I had a really bad night of sleep yesterday/last night. Jon (my bf) went to take a nap at like 7pm.. and slept all night. I went to bed around 11... had an awful nightmare and woke up at 4am. I couldnt get back to sleep... I just checked my email.. and around 430am.. jon woke up. he ate some breakfast, got dressed and went to work. he slept for like 9 hours.. he just couldnt get back to sleep.

I was tiffed that he left, because I couldnt fall back to sleep and having him by me makes it easier. I walked into our walk-in closet to grab a sweatshirt... and I noticed a little box in the corner.. where its always been... but for some reason.. I felt particularly snoopy...

It was a box of burned cds/dvds, computer discs and whatnot.
I busted out my laptop and started looking through a few of the blank cds. some were music, and some were saved files. (backups, if you will)... and they were OOOLD.

He is 25... and they were from when he was in high school. a
He had everything from photos, family pictures, website code stuff, games, programs.... and journal entries. he must have made sort of a personal blog, just to himself... and I spent 2 hours reading a year and a half's worth of his innermost thoughts.

I was speechless. All these things I never knew about him. I always thought he and I were polar opposites... left and right brained... ying and yang. black and white... but even though hes a nerd and im a social butterfly... our high school experience was very similar. it was like I was reading my own words.

Struggles with depression. Friendships he gained and lost.. girls he had crushes on (ok not that part for me), relationships that came and went. his family fighting, his sister being arrested.. calling the police when his dad drank and hurt his mom... about being lonely.. about wanting to be loved. about cutting, suicide, wanting to hurt himself... running and riding his bike, sleeping for days, figuring things out...

his is older than I am. where he was then is where I am now... and he scorns me. but its not scorn... its complete terror. he has been so hurt and abused... he doesnt want to be hurt again. and in return... his neglect to me is misunderstood.

I just want to call him and tell him I need him to come home NOW. Everything I thought was wrong. All the pain I feel now... I can share with him.. he'll understand.

This changes everything.

thank goodness to my ex boyfriends sense... he "eliminated" the tape. later in the party he rewinded the whole thing while drunk spartan went around mackin on drunk girls. he and jesus re-recorded the party...

phhhew

I might, but it never ends well.

I got out of a bad relationship, and I have a very close male friend comfort me the whole way through... even as close as staying the night with me while I cried myself to sleep. A month later... god I was so attracted to him for some reason. We'd make out and eventually we had sex... and it was akward and uncomfortable right after. We both knew we shouldn't have... and it took months and months after not talking about it, for him to finally break down my door and we talked about it... but now we are more distant from eachother.... which is terrible... because he knows me in a way nobody else does and I need him more than ever sometimes

It doesnt happen to females. Period.

Jealous?

Ive been quite lowkey about my bisexuality... ever since I confessed to a guy I was dating... he went nuts over it (in a good way)... and he and a friend of mine and I went to this wild house party downtown detroit for halloween 06, and it was the first time I drank. hes russian, alcohol has little affect to him, and he watched me very closely to keep me safe. he did, however, leave us for like 10 minutes to go talk to some friends of his... and my friend and I ended up making out. All I remember is a guy dressed as a spartan had a video camera and the guy dressed as Jesus had us full on making out with our hands on eachothers boobs... my bf came back and was like wicked turned on... and it turned to jealousy REAL fast...

apparently the theory of threesoms is only appealing in concept.... the theory is a bit too much of a reality.
That guy and I have long since broken up, and I dont drink or party much anymore. My boyfriend knows but doesnt make a big deal out of it. I dont think he knows im serious and not another gimmick.

I do miss the soft lips of a girl, though. We are great kissers..

All things peacock.
I have "decorative" feathers in my room, a cute little peacock ring holder, various "artistic" tshirts, pillows, decorative stuff...

my mom even bought me this little $1 arts and crafts kit where you make a peacock.. and its transparent with sequins on it, and it hangs from my rearview mirror.

it sounds obsessive, but its really actually quite lowkey.

But I love it.

*edit*
my boyfriend collects legos and stargate/star trek dvd's, as well as anything wii. he's a hot nerd though..

Okay, im going to give sleep a try


goodnight everyone

awe... you said it twice and you had typos both times... how sad...

naw. I worked friday (yesterday?) I dont work saturday (today?)


Im super sleepy... but I just cant sleep.

Im so tired... I did the alternating-capital-letter thing...
and I HATE that! A new low!

well.. quarter to 6... close enough.

I am too emotional to sleep. damn pms. My brain just wont shut down. gaaaah

hiya!

welcome!

agreed... blagh to beer.


pina colada... yes please :-D

^--a woman who holds her secrets like a vault