I had a really bad night of sleep yesterday/last night. Jon (my bf) went to take a nap at like 7pm.. and slept all night. I went to bed around 11... had an awful nightmare and woke up at 4am. I couldnt get back to sleep... I just checked my email.. and around 430am.. jon woke up. he ate some breakfast, got dressed and went to work. he slept for like 9 hours.. he just couldnt get back to sleep.

I was tiffed that he left, because I couldnt fall back to sleep and having him by me makes it easier. I walked into our walk-in closet to grab a sweatshirt... and I noticed a little box in the corner.. where its always been... but for some reason.. I felt particularly snoopy...

It was a box of burned cds/dvds, computer discs and whatnot.
I busted out my laptop and started looking through a few of the blank cds. some were music, and some were saved files. (backups, if you will)... and they were OOOLD.

He is 25... and they were from when he was in high school. a
He had everything from photos, family pictures, website code stuff, games, programs.... and journal entries. he must have made sort of a personal blog, just to himself... and I spent 2 hours reading a year and a half's worth of his innermost thoughts.

I was speechless. All these things I never knew about him. I always thought he and I were polar opposites... left and right brained... ying and yang. black and white... but even though hes a nerd and im a social butterfly... our high school experience was very similar. it was like I was reading my own words.

Struggles with depression. Friendships he gained and lost.. girls he had crushes on (ok not that part for me), relationships that came and went. his family fighting, his sister being arrested.. calling the police when his dad drank and hurt his mom... about being lonely.. about wanting to be loved. about cutting, suicide, wanting to hurt himself... running and riding his bike, sleeping for days, figuring things out...

his is older than I am. where he was then is where I am now... and he scorns me. but its not scorn... its complete terror. he has been so hurt and abused... he doesnt want to be hurt again. and in return... his neglect to me is misunderstood.

I just want to call him and tell him I need him to come home NOW. Everything I thought was wrong. All the pain I feel now... I can share with him.. he'll understand.

This changes everything.

Very enlightening

i dont know he may get angry that you read his "diary" some people do... why call him home from work? i think sometimes things are just better unsaid.. but know within what you got out of it and take your different outlook on things now.. perhaps he is harsh on you cause he loves you and doesnt want you to go through those things ...id say from here on out try to communicate with him.. but in a deeper communication that you seem to have been doing..guys take much longer to share their inner thoughts than a woman does..im sure not saying to lie to him if he asks tell him you looked.. but for now learn him more..good luck and JMO

and i guess what i am saying is let him share that when he is ready to share it...

oh Im never going to tell him I read it.

I want to share with him. im not going to ask him about it or assume he knows... but he always complains I dont talk to him.. and i have always felt he could never understand.

I have been dangerously depressed this past month.. and depressed in general for the past few months. It comes and goes.. but it has been really terrible for the past few weeks... and I want to talk to him about it.

Privacy just got thrown out the window

privacy smivacy... we live together. open bathroom doors (not me... I close mine... haha..) and pretty much everything else.. right out in the open.

oh I see...so he can just go snoop through all your stuff too...check your cell phone maybe privacy is part of a good relationship

I agree with Buttons... you shouldn't have been snooping, for some reason you must have felt some form of distrust. Communicate more with him. But for petesake dont' get mad at him for leaving you and going to work and don't call him home. You can't be too clingy.. he can't be by your side 24/7..he needs some space, as you do..otherwise you will suffocate him and the relationship will not work.

Good luck and I'm glad you got the chance to figure out your feelings.

he doesnt snoop. and I have nothing to hide. I may have snooped.. but I wasnt looking for anything incriminating. Of the information I found... none will ever be held against him. there is nothing TO hold against him...

its just a part of him he is too afraid to share with me.. and I was going to give up because I thought he was being so difficult because he didnt love me. it is far from the truth, and he has been misjudged. I owe it to him to be open and vulnerable... so he may someday be comfortable enough to do the same. its just taking the first step is so hard... but it will be easier knowing I wont be dismissed, or if I am.. its not because of me

I have to agree with the sentiments expressed by Etrain. Privacy may mean nothing to you and I can accept that, however to some people it goes beyond important, it is VITAL. I would be upset with you if you disclosed this information to me. How could I trust you ever again? Its simply bad relationship policy if you must know.

I think you are all misunderstanding. I wasnt angry at him for leaving.. I just wasnt happy about it.

I just want to be with him now. I dont want to call him home because he is in trouble. I just want to hug him...

His work is a little different than the usual.. he can go and leave whenever he wants as long as he does 40 hours. its a small business, whom I know everyone in it as well. like a family. I often go to help do inventory and bring lunch and stuff. Its also about 4 miles away...

for him to come home to talk for an hour isnt a bad or difficult thing. but I can easily be patient. I called and asked him to come home early so he and I could spend some time together. otherwise he'd work til like 8pm... and i eventually go over and hang out with him while he does work

Hmmm... you thought he didnt love you.. so you just "happened" to snoop not looking for anything incriminating? Umm..sorry, I find that hard to believe.. because as a woman, once we don't feel loved or that something is "wrong".. we do tend to snoop to find the answers..whether it be to catch them cheating or whatever.. so I do believe you were looking for something incriminating.. it wasn't so "innocent"... but you found your answers.. now just use the information to benefit your relationship.. good luck to you!

agree that some space and privacy is good... but he has plenty. besides emotions.. he shares virtually everything. I follow his lead.

Im not going to say Im sorry I snooped.... its the sort of thing that has the potential to save our relationship... and my life.

Share with him when he seems receptive, not when you want to. And I'd tell him what you did, to keep it from him is a lie.

How could I snoop to find him cheating with information from 6 years ago? I dont care who he dated or what he did before me. I was looking to learn something about him.

That can be done by talking to his friends and family, by talking to him, asking to share. Not by violating his privacy. Just because it wasn't locked did not mean it was for you.

I didn't say he WAS cheating... I used that as an example as to why we do the things we do sometimes.."snooping" to look for answers when we feel something isn't "right".. when something is "wrong"..when we don't feel "loved".

Besides, you didn’t even know ahead of time what information you would find there. It was only after you snooped that you discovered this was not relevant to what he was up to right then but from 6 years ago....Why are you so worried about this anyway? There is presumably something very askew in this relationship. Maybe the motivation behind why you compulsively feel the need to dig into his personal belongings deserves more attention than this 6 year old stuff in the closet.